Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[MrBond]

Maybe you can show her and ask how it looks? Don't ask her what she "thinks" but just how it looks should be sufficient. What else have you been doing to increase your positive interactions with her?

[LuckyLuke]

Hmm - the positive interactions come in various flavors:

o setting boundaries
o talking at all
o talking about necessary things (like the trip this summer).

I'd be glad to have more talk at all just now -

I occasionally try to get her to talk more, by asking things or opening a potential subject to discuss, but don't want to push it.

Not sure what more to do just now -

D birthday party tomorrow - just went to get whipping cream for D, who is making chocolate mousse; also got some nice tulips again, by my choice and to my liking.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Journal:

D birthday party went well. I did the shopping for it, but W and D did most of the cooking. We all three did the house prep.

W gave me a new sweater to wear and nicely suggested that I see Anna Karenina tonight, which I did (she had seen it a few weeks ago). Also more pleasant to talk to today, not as tense as usual. I said thank you for such a nice movie suggestion after, but she was not particularly responsive in return.

New (India) map must be noticed by now, but no comment on it.

Must identify and do more such boundary defining actions.

Long run tomorrow, up to 1:45.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Trip to US discussion started. Prices are not as bad as I thought. An extension to see some national parks may be possible, though W thought D should come back soon, as she has lots to do.

I am going to US in late April. W thought I could stay there until mid-June, when our summer vacation trip starts. That would be 7 weeks away from home - much too long - and I said no.

Does she want me gone? Or is this just to not have me fly so much (I do quite a bit) and be greener? Mindreading and speculation.

A US girlfriend of W will be here when we are in US, so it seems like W had at least thought to be in this house until then (even though she won't be able to see her).

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Her choice of the Anna Karenina movie recommendation was also to send a message, I think. Anna is a freedom loving, irrepressible woman, swept off her feet by a dashing officer, but married to a dutiful, conventional husband. I think she saw herself and her situation in the movie, and hence made the recommendation.

Must work on improving my attractiveness to her, using the desirable features table in the Cunningham book.

Luke

[labug]

I haven't read much of your sitch but you do a lot of mind-reading.

[MrBond]

labug is right.

"That would be 7 weeks away from home - much too long - and I said no."

Good

"Does she want me gone? Or is this just to not have me fly so much (I do quite a bit) and be greener?"

Don't guess or try to analyze.

"Her choice of the Anna Karenina movie recommendation was also to send a message, I think. Anna is a freedom loving, irrepressible woman, swept off her feet by a dashing officer, but married to a dutiful, conventional husband. I think she saw herself and her situation in the movie, and hence made the recommendation."

HUGE leap in assumptions. Stop analyzing and mindreading.

Where are your list of goals?

[LuckyLuke]

Mr. Bond,

Thank you for reminding me to stay focused on the goals. Here they are:

Goals:

Set boundaries, get friends, get back into our marriage bed:

a. have at least 5 minute non-work conversation with W
b. cook a meal together
c. see a film together
d. go for a walk together, just for fun
e. tell her off for something small
f. do something in spite of the flinch reflex saying no
g. buy shirts, perhaps on a Wednesday, when she is at home, and then wear them
h. discuss US summer trip plans and extension by a week to see national parks
i. talk about who sleeps where before son returns on March 22
j. open door between our rooms (when I am in son's room)
k. play a game with her and possibly others (she loves Scrabble)
l. touch wife, not by accident, for at least 3 seconds.
m. tell her off for her bad attitude, snippiness
n. tell her off for not acknowledging my existence
o. re the party, tell her "yes it is fine to have one, but I wish you had asked me first instead of merely indirectly informing me"
p. work on kidding her (as p. 52 of the Cunningham book suggests about confidence)
q. evaluate myself using Cunningham good/bad qualities list for men
r. show passion (perhaps in US national park context?)
s. assert myself


W has been mostly ignoring me yesterday, not even acknowledging my existence as it were. I went for a 2 hour run, and when I am back D asks how it was, while W ignores me. Also ignores me when I am sitting at tending the fire (a friendly remark would have been easy for her to make).

Shall I mention her ignoring me to her? It feels like yet another way to disrespect me.

W and D are back at ballet tonight, so the dance teacher stuff is now working out.

Will ask therapist (who by the way is not an MC; she typically works with terminally ill people, helping them with their depression) about how to deal with W's occasional gloomy mood.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

The worst thing is really her ignoring my existence just now. We do after all live in the same house still. While I can live with it, and perhaps need to for DB, it just feels wrong. While I doubt it is a consciously applied push to make me lose my cool, I just don't see it helping, but maybe it does by giving her space?

[MrBond]

She's been treating you this way for years correct? Why does it bother you now?

You've made that list, now what have you been doing to accomplish those things? All goals should be attainable within a couple of weeks. If you haven't seen any results, then you adjust your goals.

BTW, I would change C if I were you. Why on earth would you see a C who specializes in "end of life" situations when all you want to do is get your self-esteem back?