Heart of the Matter

[labug]

Hey, ss, thanks.

Journaling:

I've had a really enjoyable, productive, affirming week.

Despite my bank account being near negative. Really, .62. A few years ago this would have put me in a tailspin. Money is such a trigger for me and I watched our accounts like a hawk, worrying over every penny. Really. I also felt like I carried the whole load on that (my doing) and was so full of fear that I couldn't really enjoy anything. I was so worried about spending.

The last couple of years have been a roller coaster financially. As most of you can attest, living in a 2 income home that suddenly becomes 1+ a little takes some adjustment but I've done well with it and have learned to let go of a lot of the fear because when things reach a low point something always happens to turn it around.

Worry and fear change nothing.

Things that help: I have very little debt except the house, the house isn't upside down, I'm not a big spender (see above), the DW has been broken for over a year, not a priority and with just 2 people in the house, doing dishes is not a big deal. I drive an 8 year old car with over 100,000 miles on it. I am very frugal, sometimes to a fault. We, H and I, also made some wise decisions early on about where money is best spent and living within our means.

I just put that on steroids and became a maniac!

(Please don't think I don't do fun things because I do. I've taken several trips, go out to lunch, dinner with friends, etc. I make sure I enjoy what I have.)

So as my bank account hit a new low I didn't stress, we had food in the house, gas in the car, and no bills due until after my next paycheck. It was just one of those times when everything comes due, y'know. I have a great job that I love and I'm not concerned about lay-offs or hours being cut.

In fact, I had my performance appraisal last week and my supervisor recognized the extra work I've been doing and is bumping up my hours (I'm part-time)to adjust for that. Also, just this past week I trained for a new position with the same employer and will be doing that 16 hrs a pay period. Eventually I may be able to do those hours remote from home.

I hadn't wanted to increase my hours in my primary position because it would mean more night shifts/call. That doesn't work well for me these days and definitely affects my mental health. So I put the word out that I was looking for extra hours and my need was answered.

I'll now have FT hours without more night shifts and I won't have to take on an extra job.

I've patiently waited and what I needed came to me.

Also I've been fretting about refinancing the house for at least a year. My concern was that the house might not appraise high enough and I would take that personally. It really left me with a knot in my chest every time I thought about it. Again, money trigger.

So I decided a few weeks ago, to let that go. My house isn't me and at this point I have no control over how it appraises. I went for it and the house appraised higher than expected! It actually hasn't lost much value, which is pretty amazing in this market. It helps that it's on a great lot in a wonderful neighborhood where values have bounced back quicker than elsewhere in this city.

So the refinance will happen!

This is just so different for me, I can't really explain the changes that have happened in me to get to this place.

Not only do we need to applaud loudly for the small changes we see in others, we also need to applaud loudly for the big and small changes we see in ourselves.

When you let go of fear, your life can change.