just checking in- yeah- four years. four years of total hellisness- who would think we'd stick so long. i nver would have- i never could have imagined what i'd do in this sitch. what i have done!
i'm still surprised- i guess it's the values we have and our particular - personal notion of love. the bit about thick & thin -
Quote:
I know we're done as a couple, I know I need a new plan for me, I also know he's coming from a place of confusion.
MLC is kicking our asses and its not going down without casualties, if at all! _________________________
however- i find myself wondering this exact thing. we may be thru too- honestly, he'd have to do alot of work to win back my devotion (as it was) i don't know how much is what people are supposed to have - how much devotion that is???
it's all philosophical by the way- i am not demanding or naggie , or jealous (yeah, look where it's goten me) - totall personal freedom, HOWEver - LOYAL to the stinking bone and WAS trusting other person to be the same..
last nite h was pleasant and tease-ie and so on. his old version of "appealing and cute". i was realizing that it was not inspiring me to feel affection - i tried being not-crabby and neutral. i had no urge to giggle or find him appealing. geez - has the "magic" been soooo killed there is no ability for anything to come back in me?
i was wond3ring if that is my gut saying- this guy is a jerk now that you know what he's truly capable of. i don't want to be unrelenting- i did not feel attracted.
i was wondering myself wtf - about my non-feeling over it all. my asumption is he had a wonderful chat with ow and that left him happy in life and willing to share it. if she's his only source of happiness and the only thing that makes him turn "normal" - as usual- i'm thinking this picture has no place for me. it could be my "assumptions" only- of course, i think not.
why i'm here- i have no idea. you've got a way clearer picture of you and your sitch and what your part in it is. your family unit- your m - your "home" , yourkids . you've got something for him to be a part of. i don't really have anything but me- oh well. i guess it doesnt matter in the end does it- you just have more people being hurt by it.
i maybe only have habit. don't know- wierdly wierd today.
had little phone chat with ray- curious about his slant on life. a way-out kinda person-took care of old mother - lots of jobs & life lived waaaaaay out side of every box. , etc. maybe some kernal of wisdom will plop down on my head there- i'm searching for my new life. it's got to include alot of artsy - way-out- out of the box people. i'm sick of lawyers & stick-in-the muds. maybe life can exist in a less-structured kind of way. maybe i'm too rigid in what i think life and people SHOULD BE.
JUST SOMEThING i am exploring - under heading of gal.
i hope things are okay in your land today and you got plenty of sleep. interesting the long long chats you and h have and the stuff he says, admits, looks at. i wish , as usual, h here would stop and be an adult for even one conversation- look at the sitch- make a comment or two that are truly meaningful and indicative of where he's at, or where he thinks he's going- or even where he's come from. any input would be great- perhaps lost cause.
back in love-days i was okay with filling in the blanks- can't do it any more i find. the blanks are full of bad things - his stupid comment of "expect lies" - now is all i do assume. it's a shame i could think such excellent stuff about him always- and now it's black, black, grey, brown & more black. oh well- wonder how it all plays out- wonder the cost to him of his stupidness in this sitch. sorry if i offend by calling his mlc stupid. to me- anytime you throw away something perfectly good (and functioning) in order to merely have something new- for the sake of new- for the excitement of the acquisition- it's dopey. whether it's sneakers or me..
it's becoming what i see him as- he's really messed up my ability to even - nope- not going there. i'm outta here- not 4even going to waste my breath on a rant-
yestrerday morning a girlfeind came to flea & we poked around, shopped , laughed and it was a great way to start a day. made me rememer how good it felt to be around people that like me and WANT my companionship- instead of this daily crap of people who make me feel like i'm a pain in their butt. really- it's so dopey- but so true. THIS I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF - I KNOW IT - IT'S ME & MY PMA...
so we had fun and my whole day went better as a result. mornings with fun- yay. i've become such a blob here in this land of disapproval and bummer-news (my mom and h both)
i need to shake it off- i'm still always ready to laugh and see the fun in everytrhing=- i need out this morning. CAN'T THINK if i kn ow anyone that doesn't work who is around for fun. guess it's the post office & maybe my sister.
