No way am I trying to save him! When I say I can't take this on I mean, I will not take on his issues! I will worry, it's human, I will care, he's my h, but I will not take blame, or be taken down. If he hurts himself that cannot be my cross to carry, I have my life, and he has his choices. I don't see him to sick to ask for help, or get help, he is making a choice to stay in pain.
The offer stares him in the face everyday to change his life and stave off this dep, his choices have to be his own consequences. Unfortunately, they do affect this family in one way or another, but we can't let it have detrimental effects.
He may be this forever, he may waver forever, either way he is not a healthy man to plan a future with. His rants are repetitive, and his presences is tolerable (but hurtful and sad) so unless he goes off on some tangent I will continue to GAL around him. I just don't feel it's my place to make him homeless or blow out that candle yet, I also know that time may be coming when I am done.
If I am seeing his stages correctly he is headed to square one, and he will relive it as well. Does that mean right back to the suicidal attempt, same locale and all, maybe, if the last two yrs has shown me anything, I would say for sure.
H asked me to pray to my God for him, asked me to pray about this thing I call L for him and if He's a real God he will help this family. I took this as H really wanting to be right again, hoping I could pray for his miracle, his way back to life and us. But, he won't do it on his own, or can't!
In God's hands! That's all I've got to offer....prayer and faith!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Last night my MLCer asked me set him free! I said honey I let you go a long time ago, your still here! After about a half hour he said, why am I still here, your right, it's because I was never going to leave the family, just remove myself, I was always coming back!
Funny how my last few posts said he was going to relive zero point, it looked liked that would be his next stage, these are all the same things he said at BD. he repeated so much original stuff last night, I said you have no new material, I want my money back, I've seen this show!
I said look at the last four yrs starting with your dep leading into this flip! Your repetitive because nothing bad has happened to us since, except what you have forced upon us! As I stood on a chair over him I said and this tall guy hovering over me with the deeper voice is all you got to try to keep the spew alive and strong. He laughed, he said he's got nothing!
I revisited the set me free comment....I said what do you want. He said I don't want to be held down by the rules of M, I want to go do what I have to do for me! I said so if you want to go sleep around and be this suave guy with many girls, go! Then I gave him the list of all the things I am not getting for me, and said so what will I be missing, I can go on with my life too then. I kinda got the idea he didn't like that.
He started saying, well it's not about sleeping around or drugs its about being free to find me, it doesn't have to come to that. Then he tried to say he'll be there for my bday, but he couldn't tell me when it was, I said don't worry about it, you are free to be free, move out, cut it, separated from me, all the expressive words you've used.
I left it alone, but from that point he couldn't leave me alone all night and into the morning when I opened my eyes there he was talking to me! He said what would I do with my retirement! I said all the things he loves now and more with our g-children. He got close to me, hugging me, finally falling asleep. I told him if he just took meds for his manic dep he would be able to think clearer, and sleep!
I'm only writing all of this to see my journey through "as the MLC turns"! In the end what h said that's of any importance is how much it's not my doing, it's his flip to deal with, this family is his priority over all, and he will not take us down if he chooses that route. I know we're done as a couple, I know I need a new plan for me, I also know he's coming from a place of confusion.
MLC is kicking our asses and its not going down without casualties, if at all!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
just checking in- yeah- four years. four years of total hellisness- who would think we'd stick so long. i nver would have- i never could have imagined what i'd do in this sitch. what i have done!
i'm still surprised- i guess it's the values we have and our particular - personal notion of love. the bit about thick & thin -
Quote:
I know we're done as a couple, I know I need a new plan for me, I also know he's coming from a place of confusion.
MLC is kicking our asses and its not going down without casualties, if at all! _________________________
however- i find myself wondering this exact thing. we may be thru too- honestly, he'd have to do alot of work to win back my devotion (as it was) i don't know how much is what people are supposed to have - how much devotion that is???
it's all philosophical by the way- i am not demanding or naggie , or jealous (yeah, look where it's goten me) - totall personal freedom, HOWEver - LOYAL to the stinking bone and WAS trusting other person to be the same..
last nite h was pleasant and tease-ie and so on. his old version of "appealing and cute". i was realizing that it was not inspiring me to feel affection - i tried being not-crabby and neutral. i had no urge to giggle or find him appealing. geez - has the "magic" been soooo killed there is no ability for anything to come back in me?
i was wond3ring if that is my gut saying- this guy is a jerk now that you know what he's truly capable of. i don't want to be unrelenting- i did not feel attracted.
i was wondering myself wtf - about my non-feeling over it all. my asumption is he had a wonderful chat with ow and that left him happy in life and willing to share it. if she's his only source of happiness and the only thing that makes him turn "normal" - as usual- i'm thinking this picture has no place for me. it could be my "assumptions" only- of course, i think not.
why i'm here- i have no idea. you've got a way clearer picture of you and your sitch and what your part in it is. your family unit- your m - your "home" , yourkids . you've got something for him to be a part of. i don't really have anything but me- oh well. i guess it doesnt matter in the end does it- you just have more people being hurt by it.
i maybe only have habit. don't know- wierdly wierd today.
had little phone chat with ray- curious about his slant on life. a way-out kinda person-took care of old mother - lots of jobs & life lived waaaaaay out side of every box. , etc. maybe some kernal of wisdom will plop down on my head there- i'm searching for my new life. it's got to include alot of artsy - way-out- out of the box people. i'm sick of lawyers & stick-in-the muds. maybe life can exist in a less-structured kind of way. maybe i'm too rigid in what i think life and people SHOULD BE.
JUST SOMEThING i am exploring - under heading of gal.
i hope things are okay in your land today and you got plenty of sleep. interesting the long long chats you and h have and the stuff he says, admits, looks at. i wish , as usual, h here would stop and be an adult for even one conversation- look at the sitch- make a comment or two that are truly meaningful and indicative of where he's at, or where he thinks he's going- or even where he's come from. any input would be great- perhaps lost cause.
back in love-days i was okay with filling in the blanks- can't do it any more i find. the blanks are full of bad things - his stupid comment of "expect lies" - now is all i do assume. it's a shame i could think such excellent stuff about him always- and now it's black, black, grey, brown & more black. oh well- wonder how it all plays out- wonder the cost to him of his stupidness in this sitch. sorry if i offend by calling his mlc stupid. to me- anytime you throw away something perfectly good (and functioning) in order to merely have something new- for the sake of new- for the excitement of the acquisition- it's dopey. whether it's sneakers or me..
it's becoming what i see him as- he's really messed up my ability to even - nope- not going there. i'm outta here- not 4even going to waste my breath on a rant-
yestrerday morning a girlfeind came to flea & we poked around, shopped , laughed and it was a great way to start a day. made me rememer how good it felt to be around people that like me and WANT my companionship- instead of this daily crap of people who make me feel like i'm a pain in their butt. really- it's so dopey- but so true. THIS I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF - I KNOW IT - IT'S ME & MY PMA...
so we had fun and my whole day went better as a result. mornings with fun- yay. i've become such a blob here in this land of disapproval and bummer-news (my mom and h both)
i need to shake it off- i'm still always ready to laugh and see the fun in everytrhing=- i need out this morning. CAN'T THINK if i kn ow anyone that doesn't work who is around for fun. guess it's the post office & maybe my sister.
For the last 2 nights my H has been opening up to me and telling me things I was not aware of regarding his childhood. He's told me some very sad stories, about abuse and abandonment. His defense mechanism he uses is to say he's glad he had it hard, he's glad to be angry and living on the dark side of life.
He been home with me for 2 days and nights, helping, shopping, and talking as these feelings are flooding out of him. There were times he pissed me off and he saw it, but I continued to listen as he continued to tell me how sorry he is that I am a casualty.
I have read Snodderly-In Tandem--MLC and Dep. It was like reading the complete story of my H word for word. He has all of symtoms and expresses all of the feelings that are associated with them. I will be reading it again, and again, thank you Snodderly.
H is sinking lower and lower into what seems to be a permanent condition of misery. I wonder if there is a part of the brain that can be damaged by this, I thought I read somewhere there is a gland or something that once the dep has reached a certain point ( time, depth) that this part? can no longer be recovered and the patient is damaged for life.
Its very sad, he does L us so much that it is actually killing him to live up to "his" expectations, regardless of what we think, he's not good enough or doing enough for us. He said and I am seeing that he is trying, he does want to be close to us, he's reached out trying to laugh, and play and be by my side for a few weeks now but he cannot do it alone. He's still not thinking about getting help, he will fail, and I feel so bad watching him just waiting for the dep to kick is ass again for days.
The best cure for felling bad though is remembering ea is still in the picture and he is still living the lala land idea of free living. No matter how much I know and he says it's a friend-enemy sitch, and it is very volatile, it just shows me how much he's not ready to improve himself, or commit to a healthy life with his family.
Thanks for the read!!! I'm downloading some book suggestions as well!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
lots for you to be dealing with-hopei t goes okay.
been at hospital last two days- h's dad is dying - seems sudden, but geuss it's been bubbling around inside him-
soemthing about watching him in pain and knowing it's terminal- and thinking last couple years of his life have been miserable and unhappy becaue wife died- maikes me not want to find myself on my last day a dlast few years were awful- for what? perspcetive new a bit on life, etc. oh well- back to that
hope your day is okay- wonder where it's heading for you inlight of this all- any change in your heart or sitchor anytinng really? if that's too personal -e rase it- wonder what it's making you feel inside - well- i guess your ending says it all.
mee too- no matter what i "realize" or feel or think h feels- or wat5ching him watchhis dad - i think ow is still his big "it" and that of course makes me just feellike i want out too. i've got to get serious and make it happen-
i know it- this guy will leave it too long- and maybe really my whole life with hinm has been a sham- another sad little thought-his definition and his revelations. he HAD TO telll me they had some kind of history , worry but what a - dope- oh well- sad little perspective on life here at moment and sad little corner ofl ife-
i guess it's always out there- and it could be me tomorrow - finding out all of a sudden your life is over- OVER - whew....
oh well- good news is leaving hospital last nite-looking at highway- sky, etc.- it was uplifting to be hearing away and knowing i still had a life to live- so that's good. knowing it was there if i use it- or care to use it- or enjoy it- ormake the most of it. cheesy sounding out loud- but sure swept over me again - just in a calm all-encompassing way- (it was a nice nice sky- and a woody stretch of road - it's sad overall sitch- i'm glad i'm my age and not his (if i cannot be 30 and wearing giant highheels and shorts (visit with neice yesterday at hospital- seeeems sooooo young and fun to be her age- but hey, depends on which way i look rite? her or him in bed dying- glad to be me and grateful for chances i think i'll have in future enjoyit all more time...
hi dawn- hope all's well with you. been at hospital pretty much 12 hour days - so pooped. h's dad home with hospice now- teminal- sure amazing in space of one week from home in his own life- to laying in bed never likely to be really cognizant again- gaunt - fading out of his life ..... talk about wtf???
oh well- that's it for me- hope you're doing good and things are smoothing out. have a great day
Nero-sorry to hear of your news. I hope your hanging in there for yourself as well. Me, I am in limbo, same sh!t different day. Funny how neither one of us were very missed here.
I may have news to report after thur.
Take care of yourself!
I think of you everyday!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
heyhi and i know- we are aren't we??? what a pair. sos w me - same junk- different day- month- ta da.
what news i wonder??/ sos here - his dad died last nite- we were there- very very late nite- tired as heck today.
nothing different in my sitch- it's sad- i'm sad blah blah blah.
hang on- i miss ya when we don't "speak" - i'll do better once this is allover - what a week- glad to be alive tho, so we got that going for us??? rite.
nero, I'm sorry to read that your h's father passed away. My condolences to you, your h and his family.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
