Not feeling it today. Had IC appt yesterday afternoon and talked about my recent feelings of taking responsibilty - ic seems to like to play devil's advocate and present the other side to me a lot. In some ways it's good, she places blame back on H and says I need to be realistic, especially in the way of IF H does eventually want to work on M to expect the same results and the same M unless significant changes are made. But the way ic says it always makes it so discouraging.
She also said that it sounds like H is separating me as wonderful mother vs wife. He has complimented me on being a good mom, but that distinction is different from a love partner. That's a hard pill to swallow, because being a good parent is a defining trait to me in H or any future partner. So I don't see how they're separate in his head. The love you show your family is a direct reflection on the love that person is capable of, isn't it? But he can admire and love me as mother to his children, and have that be no connection to loving me as wife?
Then this morning I check H's sight he posts on (I hadn't for over a week! having a weak moment!) and he posted just last night that "my wife didn't start taking care of her mental health until I left. Unfortunately it's too little too late to make up for the past 15 years". Ouch. Mental health? That's how he's taking my letter of self reflection? And too little too late - I knew I'd hear those words from him when I sent the letter. And it feels like the blame is squarely placed into my lap for HIS leaving! And now he's going back 15 years? Gimme a break! Annnddd, that's why it's not good to snoop.
Reminders for today: TRY to keep PMA. Be the wonman only a fool would leave (I love that 25!). No expectations. I wrote letter for myself and my healing, not him. Enjoy time with girls. Be present in the NOW. Stop worrying, I can't control the outcome.
"my wife didn't start taking care of her mental health until I left. Unfortunately it's too little too late to make up for the past 15 years". Ouch.
Reb, most of us have heard a version of this. And it is mental health, I don't see that as a negative.
Don't worry about how he's taking it, you wrote it for you, right?
That's the way he feels today, you don't know how he'll feel in 6 months or a year. The fact remains, that the work you're doing and the changes you're making are for you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I need opinions and advice on an issue - knowing H's (self-imposed) stress about money, we have the issues of taxes that needs to be dealt with pronto. I gave H my w-2 the first week of February and he said he was doing taxes again as he usually does. But I don't think he's worked on it... He finally asked for girls ss#s only about a week ago. He did say that he had started his taxes as married filing separate but had to pay over 5k... adding to the $ stress I'm sure. So I was guessing he would go with traditional married filing joint. Taxes are an issue for us this year because D17's college's are waiting for a completed fasfa.
SO, when H was home, I paid bills all year long and he did taxes. It was our arrangement. I haven't asked him once about his progress on taxes, because that's my 180 - I normally would have been in harassing mode. But now that we're in this time crunch I need to ask - any advice on how to do that the least non-threatening way? Or I thought since he's expressed how busy he is this month, if I should ask for all the papers back (he didn't give me his w2 this year anyways) and I'll get them done myself. Which I don't mind doing. But then it seems like I'd be taking control again or suggesting that he isn't capable.
Meanwhile I'm meeting with the financial office at college on Monday and can't make any decisions until we know how we're filing taxes...
I just bought plane ticket to Boston! Wonder if I should tell H? Hmmm idk. Eventually I guess. Kids will be touring with youth symphony and we had planned on going as a family last year. I'm going on my own now but that's okay. Looking forward to it. Not allowed to chaperone kids, but I'll be able to go to their concerts and will see the sights on my own. Feels weird, and final, and sad that this is their last tour and we're not going together to support our kids. My sitch is definitely different this year but I'd regret not going so I'm relieved to have made that decision to proceed. It puts me in the 'mom' role w/ H I guess, still not understanding exactly what IC was talking about with that. But it's important to me nonetheless.
Reb, reading your comments above.. Your H wants a wife..not a mother. It is a common complaint around here by the WAS. It was a complaint of my H. As far as IC is concerned I dropped mine, she kept telling me I deserved better (I know I did) but was not giving me the tools to help work on the issues, I wasn't going anywhere. Your H is saying.. that after 15 years - you change overnight?! He's not buying it. That's why this process can take so long. You must keep your changes consistent and keep them going until they become a part of you and your interactions with everthing and everyone in your life.
Yes its a confusing time. Its great to vent your negative thoughts here. It also helps if you can choose a path that you are comfortable with and stick with it. Great that you are going away by yourself. Am sure it will be a well-needed break.
GAL, interesting about dropping the IC. I've been thinking I should looking into changing IC, just didn't know if its too hard to start over with someone else. Plus I felt that if her thinking was challenging my own, I was the one that needed to rethink things. I'll just let the mom thing go for now. I don't know what it means and could mean nothing.
labug, I don't know what the consequences are to tell you the truth. We have an estimated offer that will change depending on our taxes. So I just don't know... she has to accept her final school I think in April. But if we're waiting for much longer then having to get the offers redone based on different #s - it's stressful any way you look at it. I applied for the fasfa under my income alone because that's what the advisors said to do because D17 lives with me. But our taxes it looks like may be filed married/joint, so the income will be different & I'll need to write a letter or file something for difference. Anyone been in limbo & dealing with college financing? I don't know how this stuff works. Financial advisor probably won't be able to help me much, though, until the taxes are done.
I did but it was pretty simple for us. And the taxes were done by this time in that year.
Is she being offered scholarships and/or grants?
Call the advisor's office and ask what happens if the taxes aren't finished? Ask if they have a deadline?
Try not to let it get to you. I used to do that all the time and then when I asked the questions felt much better and had information that was helpful.
If they have a deadline you can then go to H and say, I know you're working on this but wanted to let you know the FA office said yadda yadda.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
galbaby, you're right, I have a lot of negative energy. I do much better IRL, guess it's just easy to let my guard down typing things out.
GOOD - H saw kids tonight and I wasn't home. D15 has been wanting a rat of all things & H texted that he would take her to see one & what's my opinion. I was upbeat and open minded (which is a real 180 in the rat dept!). He said he was glad to hang out with D15 tonight. Seemed to express appreciation. I told him to have a good time! I had a really good PMA when kids got home & tonight. No comments or opinions about their dad. I feel good that this could be a new normal and we all were upbeat. Inside I'm kind of crushed... but I'm faking it till I make it.
SO SO - H had just dropped off girls and was driving away when I pulled up. I stopped my car by his, asked if he had a good time & if he had thought about contributing words to D17 grad page in the yearbook. Families sponsor pictures & words to their graduate. He asked what was needed (we talked about this already in Dec), I asked him if he wanted to see last years yearbook & he came back to the house. I had the opportunity to ask about taxes and he hadn't done anything with them. Gentle reminder that D17 college financing was waiting for taxes and I offered to help or do it or whatever if he wanted. He said he'd look at it tomorrow.
BAD - I let two guilt comments come out, one regarding yearbook. I asked his opinion of whether we should write a paragraph together or separate sentences from mom, then dad. There are examples of each in last yearbook. I told him I didn't want D17 to look back in her yearbook in 20 years and see the separated names and think 'oh yeah, that was the year my parents split up'. He said he didn't think she would do that. It is a genuine worry of mine, I don't want to make this harder on my kids. But I should have kept that to myself. I backed off and said, yeah however you want to do it is fine with me. He said he'd work on it tomorrow and email something over.
Bad #2, I implied guilt about the college financing by telling him our $ prospects (loans/grants) would be better if there were 4 ppl living in house instead of 3, the gov thinks 4 ppl = needs more money to live so they'll give bigger grants. Which it true, but again I shouldn't have said anything about it. He asked nothing personal of me at all.
But he seemed to have sincere and good time with kids and D15 especially seems to be open to trying and on good mindset with H. I tried really hard to act as if and I think it was mostly successful. My couple slip REALLY weren't as heavy as they seem when writing down! It sounds so bad here but it wasn't really that awkward. It was just kind of mixed into to conv w/ a lot of good upbeat thigs.
Signs of improvement - I guess he can at least offer more parenting. It will benefit my kids and at least make him see us/me/changes more often. He made plans to see kids again next friday night. Wish he'd want to see them more than maybe once a week, but it's a huge step for now. Oh - I asked him how he was feeling after the other night (his emotional episode on phone) & he said okay. Not better or worse, just okay. Wow I'm really stretching trying to read something into OK. Lol I give up. Just recording in general.
Great work Reb, show interest, but no judgement or advice. Also if you can try to engage him in some eye contact. Big aphrodesiac, also shows you are genuinely focussing on what he is saying and its important to you.
Lol I give up. Just recording in general.