Not confused anymore...just anxious and emotional

[BRNR]

AJ Good Morning! I am feeling up today. I am focused on what I want and was feeling down because it is not happening as fast as I like, but it is moving in that direction...So I will focus on the positive baby steps that have been occurring and let them keep me up along with keeping to my 180's which I am feeling really positive and happy about.

I finally finished DR book, and can clearly see things much better. And I know that I did wrong things during the marriage, and during BD, and had I handled things differently, my sitch may have been better than what it has become. But, I can't change the past, so moving forward.

On a positive note, (recognize the small things right), my H started resuming the "normal" text messages he would send now that he is feeling better. Also, yesterday, I had sent him two, one at lunch to see how his day was and then a follow up just asking if he was okay 3 hours later because I didn't hear from him.

After not getting a response, I just let it go...figured things changed in our sitch, but was determined not to let it bother me...but then a good thing happened...he called me and said he was in a meeting and that he saw my messages, but couldn't respond. He then told me about his day in depth, told me to be careful on the roads because of the weather, and said he would see "me" later. I really listened to his work sitch, and when he came to pick up our boys he talked some more about it. Again, I really listened. So, the take away...he actually called me (wasn't sure my phone worked when he called...LOL!...haven't received a phone call from him in forever), he talked, I listened, and it felt natural.

I have decided to follow his lead, and I think today I will call him and see how his day has been.

As far as the "fixer", no, I don't think he viewed me as this. On multiple occasions when things were bad, he told me that he felt neglected and not a priority in our marriage. The other thing that I believe was a "turn off" for him was that I frequently cut him off when he was talking (irregardless what he was talking about) and didn't allow him to express himself. I wasn't always like that, but somehow, I did become this person pre-BD. This is my major 180 that I have done, not only with him, but with every one. I feel good about it as it was very dis-respectful and I can see how someone would be hurt by it.

I also feel from my perspective that our marriage got to this point because we did not spend quality time with each other. It was always about other things, kids, work, house, etc...I think I want to attempt to ask him to go to lunch on Monday since I have a half day. He has asked me to the few lunches we have gone to in the past, so I think it is my turn. Again, no expectations. I know if he says no, that I will be fine either way.