We talked again tonight. What she is saying isn't exactly what I want to be hearing, but just her opening up to me makes me feel better for whatever reason.
She's been crying a lot lately.
She reiterated that she doesn't "feel" it. That she wanted this version of me for so long until she just didn't anymore, and she's stuck there.
She is afraid she's going to wake up one day and realize she has [effed] everything up and it's too late to fix it.
She knows she is hurting me and that is hurting her.
She isn't "okay" without me there in the house, but she isn't "okay" with me sleeping next to her either. The nights she wants me to sleep over she convinces herself not to ask because she realizes she is just delaying the growth she needs to go through to be okay on her own.
She HAS to be able to be okay on her own. She can't allow herself to feel as helpless as she did before.
She is worried about the kids...about having to sell the van and moving out of the house and into another new district without my income, so she asked if I would help by keeping my name on the lease and liens.
I do feel like a lot of that would quickly wash away if she just met a nice guy. I've heard/read it isn't easy for a woman with so many kids to find a good husband, but that wouldn't be the case for her.
She has been nothing short of great with regards to allowing the girls and I to have as much time as possible, mostly at the house, but I feel more and more like the temporary, stop-loss Dad just keeping things in order until the permanent solution arrives. (This is one of the more difficult things to handle for me, emotionally.) I feel like I'm her friend, for now, while she needs one and that I'll be tossed aside - not rudely, but understandably - when circumstances permit. With how badly I hurt her, I continue to be okay with this being the possible outcome. I'm just trying to be there for her in whatever manner I can...trying to rebuild trust in whatever ways I can. I don't know what else to do.
I do know my brain turns to mush when I am around her so it's much easier to develop a plan that it is to implement it.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
