grace, it's funny you mention PTSD. i totally agree! prior to BD and our separtion and all the spewing, i never had any bad dreams about my H. now i have so many nightmares about him where i'm angry or he's mean to me.
i firmly believe we will suffer from it for a while. i also believe it will effect our relationships with our S's in the future. it will be so hard to trust.
even though my H and i are piecing, i'm still not giving up some of the plans and preparations for D. i don't want to be caught by surprise again. sad but true.
i think it's a little like the people who grew up during the depression. they don't waste anything. they've been traumatized and don't want to be caught unprepared again.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i agree with you, ss. lately i have been thinking about you and vero and the other piecers and i can only imagine how hard it must be to trust again and to let go of those bad memories. sometimes i think i have reached a point where i would not be able to do that.
but then i also think that i will have some of the same issues trusting anyone that much again. i guess it is all an opportunity to grow.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I have been doing a bit of self reflection recently and have focused on my own anxiety and it's impact on my life and my M.
I think my whole life I have come from a place of inherently not trusting myself. While I have fought it well enough to be successful in many ways, I sabotage my ability to truly enjoy my life with this fear which creates a strange combo of perfectionism and avoidance..
I sought to find "false refuge" in my M and in my W.. i made her my safety net, my security. It worked for a short time but then became like a leaking ship, sprouting holes everywhere. Instead of focusing on me and changing, my focus was on patching up those holes and holding on more tightly to the ship instead of learning how to swim on my own.
when i was kicked off the ship, i did everything i could to hold on which ended up pushing my W away. i was frantic because i did not think i could swim.
the harder i fought, the more anxious i became...
i needed to learn first to float and trust that i could float... at first i would use the image of God holding me in the water so that i felt like i could do it..
now i am floating okay mostly... every time i see W i have a tough time not trying to grab on to that ship, so while it may not be the best DB strategy, i know it is best for me to not see her..it is what i need
and I am far enough away from the boat to see the holes..
and to also begin to turn from floating to sailing... from surviving the water to looking at it as an adventure... in some ways, my W has set me free..
so my journey now is about both looking inward to grow and in looking outward to imagine where i want my life to go.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
You'd think that the growing pains would have ended by now, right? I can relate to what you say so well.
It's all such a slow process, actually I've come to see it now as a life-long process, which can seem daunting if you don't approach it one step at a time. But you can now see the shifts, the different perspective in your thinking. It has cost you, but you can now see ahead...
Isn't that great?
I hope you realize how far along you have come, my dear friend. You should be proud of yourself.
((((NG)))))
Can't wait to see you - we will have a blast!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
and I am far enough away from the boat to see the holes..
I love this. You can see clearly the whole picture, what you like and dislike.
and to also begin to turn from floating to sailing... from surviving the water to looking at it as an adventure... in some ways, my W has set me free..
You have taken control of your life, you are no longer just floating, you are navigating the waves. Navigating your own path. I love that.
NG, God only knows what is in store for us, as long as we continue doing the best we can with what has been handed to us, we will find what we are seeking. Thats what I like to believe.
((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you KG and Busting for your continued care and support.
Last week, I received the financial settlement papers. There are some minor issues but if all goes smoothly, I will be D in two months.
I did not have much of an emotional reaction at first to receiving the papers, but the last few days, I have been feeling it more intensely.
I have been NC for about 6 weeks after a conversation in January which STBX stated that she is happy in her R with OW. I did not respond well, asked questions about our M and break-up which created confusion and I got emotional. I behaved abysmally, really immature.
Since then, I apologized almost immediately and have been NC in order to protect myself and to make sure I treat my STBX in a respectful and loving way.
I still do not want this D, my W knows that as of that last conversation. I do not think there is anything further that I can do. I have been GALing and enjoying my life for the most part, working on my self growth and my other relationships.
If anyone sees anything further I can do, please let me know. I have been focused so much on me that I have not been thinking lately about what I can do about my M...well, at least not until I got the papers, that is.
Thank you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Emotions when you receive the papers is to be expected. There is no way around it. Ride the wave and try to get off at the next exit.
There comes a time when you realize that there is nothing more you can do... but that moment does not come easily nor does it come as a concrete answer.
It's more of just a consistent feeling.
But IMO in order to get there, You need to look at your fears. I had SO many fears that stopped me from signing those papers. Fears of being alone to fears of mx and I never speaking again.
Stepping into the unknown is so scary.. because in your head - you are saying "by doing this.. I'm allowing for the possibility of my deepest fears to come true"
Because in all honesty - they might.
But at the same time - life could be better than ever before!
Regardless, its only when you look at and confront those fears that you can see the motivation behind your actions.
And as much I know you don't want to lose your M, my guess is that you are way more scared than anything else. (yeah I know.. I'm mindreading)
Because if you weren't, you would be able to look at her actions and your own and see the truth. Not the truth that you hope or want to be... but what actually is.
It's not my place to tell you to sign or not sign the papers.. Only you can answer when you are done or have done your best.
I'm only encouraging you to dig deeper.
The answer does lie within if you are brave enough to look.
and NG.. you are BRAVE.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I'm so sorry, Grace. I wish I had some sage words to give you but I don't. I can only hope for you to get through this time in your life quickly and with no more pain. Sometimes it's just best to yank the bandaid off and get it over with as fast as you can.
((()))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I wish I had some words of encouragement to give you re. your M. I don't. All I can tell you is about you. Don't underestimate yourself. You will get through it. I am not sure if slow or yanking the bandaid fast is the solution, but when you finally reach the other side, you will find relief and the realization that you will be ok. Not because you will stop loving or left this whole part of your life behind, but because you will gather some of the strength, courage apply all you have learned and deal with whatever life brings to you after this. You have dug deep, worked really hard and you will be ok. You just need to believe it and time will take care of that.
In the meantime, continue focusing on yourself and perhaps spend some extra time and extra care pampering your soul. You are amazing - love yourself a bit more this coming days.
Make a list of 5 fun / relaxing things you can do from now until the end of this weekend - and get them done!
(You know you can call me. We can have some wine, dinner, a movie or if you just want to talk, we can do that too. I am busy with the kids, but not too busy for a friend!
((((((NG))))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Sorry for all the typos - I am multi-tasking here with dinner and the kids. LOL...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
