I am a social worker and this was the discussion my H had with me and then I had with IC...it is a unfair state to put individuals in the 'field' into...
Did you see all the problems in your marriage before they happened or it was too late...just because we can see issues and help others does not make up experts on our lives too...
That is why I am in IC...I need additional help...and yes I think half the time we are all in the field because we get help day to day...but the last thing some days we want to do is then turn inward and look at issues at home.
I have been able to use my skills to assist me now...but if I was not willing to see the issues or address them in the past it is going to take a lot of work and time to address and change them now!
Going in with the attitude of trying to get things in better terms is great...and having the time is always nice too...take it...good luck!
Hurt the advice I would offer is not to be in a rush to do or resolve anything. If you panic about getting her to come home you will likely be willing to compromise on what you need -- in which case it will just fester and blow out again later.
Put yourself in the driver's seat -- what would W say if you told her you're not ready to talk on Thursday, or that you're not ready for her to move back home? Would that be a 180 to be the one who is not the first to compromise or capitulate?
Remember, do what works. If what you were doing wasn't working do something else. You already have a crisis so turn it to your advantage by surprising her and making her wonder. You are a prize worth working for, act like it!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I know I'm keying on every little thing that W is doing at this point - which I need to get away from - but based on when we last spoke on Tuesday, she asked if we can talk today and I assumed that would have been at our house. As I mentioned, she had stopped by the house that day while I was at work and rather then take more stuff, she basically got a change of clothes and actually picked up her wedding ring which she left when she left on Saturday. Without reading into everything too much, a lot of that seemed promising to me because I felt that if she was hell-bent on moving out she'd start the process given that opportunity and not bring stuff home or leave things she would need there.
I just got a text a little while ago: "Can we just meet for dinner somewhere. I don't really feel like going to the house."
I haven't responded yet but while her initial point of wanting to talk today didn't imply anything good or bad and I was doing my best not to jump to any conclusions, I can only think this is going to go bad.
My original plan for our "talk" was to let her lead the conversation. If she just wanted to get together then cool. If she started to talk about our marriage, issues or divorce then I was going to simply say that I'm not sure how ready she is for this conversation but I don't believe I am. I'd rather that we both take time and space to let things settle before we got into anything heavy.
With her latest text, I'm not sure what to think and it's making me rethink my approach.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Ended up not meeting up tonight. I told her I couldn't make it tonight after all. She asked if we could talk a little tomorrow night - we're supposed to have plans with friends so she wants to talk before then (I figured it was off).
We'll see. I need to step up the DBing at some point.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Well, I didn't think it went that we'll last night. She stated she was still focused on divorce and didn't believe that would change. I simply stated that I respected her opinion and no amount of pleading or begging or convincing is going to change her mind and it wouldn't be fair to her for me to constantly do that. I didn't like how it was going but kept on as strong a face as possible. The only thing I added was that I wanted things to calm down before we did anything serious. At the end of the night she went back to her mother's.
This morning things changed because by 8:30am she was home. I didn't ask questions but whatever the reason I see it as an opportunity.
Since she's been home I've been employing the friendly coworker approach that I've seen people mention on here before. She's set up shop in the guest room downstairs but we've been getting along and honestly I'll take this as progress. Right now, I'm on my way out to meet a friend and will probably run some errands after. Tomorrow I'm going to get busy with some house projects and other things to stay busy and show a change in pattern.
I know at any minute she could decide to go back out but right now I can only focus on being someone that she'd want to be around rather then telling her she should be around.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
