Maybe I was lucky b/c two sisters had been left by their h's a few years earlier and I had two very different models of how to react and how NOT to. I've discussed them with you before. The older sister, the RN, was married 22 years and had 3 kids. She put her h thru law school. He left her for OW. (Perhaps OW#2?)
She was deeply wounded of course. But I watched as she began to accept "what is", while making protective smart moves in her own life. She went to her work and cared for others, so maybe that helped HER.... but her healing did not happen BECAUSE she didn't care for her h; on the contrary, she deeply loved him, unconditionally. She CHOSE to handle the betrayal, the deep blow to her heart, with strength and dignity. She chose not to wallow or get stuck. She just did not waste much time asking "why me?" And believe me, she was the giver in that marriage, big time. I've always found it ironic that the selfish taker would leave, but that may be typical...
My younger sister, in contrast, just fell apart when her h left. They had No kids, a 13 year marriage and she never worked. She lived very well those years. But she revolved around her h, not wanting to work in part b/c it might lessen her time with her h, lost interest in many hobbies b/c that would take time from h...she circled and hovered around him...and she gained a lot of weight. To this day, she thinks he left her b/c "he cheated". She still has NO insight into what happened or what her own role in it was. She began dating ASAP while also hoping her h would return. Yes she's co=dependent. She'd ask "Why did he leave?" And "will he come back and when", and "WHAT HAPAPENED?" every day for a few years... I'm one of 4 sisters and she called the others too, on those same days. So she spent hours per day, THINKING about "why?"...and not learning a damn thing.
What an utter waste!!!
So when my h had his MLC, or whatever it was, I wallowed and spun my wheels too...and eventually I noticed that a few friends, the healthier ones, seemed to not invite me out quite as often...I isolated myself...by default.
Then a sibling said that I was "beginning to sound like J" (my YOUNGER sister). Wow...ouch... what a thing to say. I denied being anything like HER! But I heard the truth in there. I began to snap out of it that day. I had learned what NOT to do. But there I was, doing them!
By now Tad, you know about GAL, PMA, and all the things we've all said to you, repeatedly, over time.
You read the DB book. You WROTE a book on this...and yet
I can't say why, but you are choosing this position of stuckness.
Worse, you have your sons there seeing it!
Sorry Tad, but I agree with Antonia...there is something self centered about that. Like your pain is THE priority in your life.
Not your sons. Not their pain. Not their Christmas, not their r's with their mom. Not what they're learning from you. Not anyone or anything else. Hey we get it. We all felt that way about our pain...for awhile.
But we had to put OUR PAIN ASIDE, as our priority. There are other people in our lives, and yours. It can't still be all about how YOU FEEL. That MUST change now.
So, take this from someone who means well,
someone who also had cold water splashed in her face, and you must
snap out of this. Do whatever it takes to stop wallowing and MOVE.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
