I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

Hello to all my friends who have been wondering! Yes, as some have noted from FB, my baby boy decided to arrive last Thursday, Feb 28th at 9:56 pm. I had been at work all day, feeling fine and even came home to a message from my doctor telling me that my induction date (that was scheduled for today, the 5th) would have to be pushed back until the 6th. I was so upset at this news, as I had been counting on the 5th and at the time, didnt think I could handle 24 more hours of labor. This was a 4:30 that I talked to my docs office..NO SIGNS OF LABOR YET!!! So, I started making dinner for my kids, took my youngest to dance class at 6pm and started to get some cramps! Well, by 7pm they were obvious contractions, 5 minutes apart! My girls packed me a bag because I wasnt ready and my neighbor drove all 3 of us to the hospital. My cousin (who is a labor and delivery nurse at another hospital) came in town, as did my mom. When I got to the hospital at about 8pm I was 5 cms, then in 30 mins had gone to 7cms. I was begging for an epidural by this point, as I was in sooo much pain. They had to take my blood since my BP was pretty high (due to pain) and start an IV of fluid before I could get the epidural.

Well, all the sudden the doc comes in and says Im 10 cms and I need push. I started crying, and saying that I hadnt had my epidural and she informed me that it was too late and I needed to push. I was so scared! The pain was the most unbelievable pain I have ever had and I still cannot believe that I did it!!! My baby boy was born at 9:56 pm and my girls, my mom, my cousin and my best friend were there to witness his arrival into the world.

It was an amazing experience, but one I will NEVER forget, that is for sure! My H was not there during the birth. My girls sobbed when he was born and asked why dad would ever want to miss this. That was the only time that he was mentioned during the birth. It was very sad to me that he has missed this wonderful moment and he will never get it back. I just cannot understand the way my life has turned out.

My Zachary Steven weighed in at 8lbs 3 ozs and he was 21 inches long! He is absolutely adorable, with a full head of hair and a beautiful little face! I am in love!!!! My girls are also in love and have been an amazing help already.

I did call H after he was born and I was settled. He said he knew something was up when no one would return his texts. He asked if he could come see him and I said I would call him when I got into my own room and was up for company. He ended up coming for an hour at about 1am in the morning. He saw him and he cried as he held him. He then acted very "cool" by making jokes with my cousin (who stayed with me at the hospital) and asking about her kids. He also was very friendly to me...even made the comment that I looked good. (weird..I just gave NATURAL BIRTH..I was NOT looking good)

On Friday, Zach did end up in the NICU, due to a breathing and oxygen scare. He was monitored and we were kept 2 extra days. I was a disaster, as I was worried about my baby boy. The nurses and docs were amazing at reassuring me that he was a healthy baby boy, but needed to remain monitored due to the drop in his oxygen saturations. I remained as calm as I could during all of this and he is doing GREAT now!

A few things that I need to mention...as these are the things that I will not understand. One, my MIL showed up at the hospital, unannounced. She just waltzed in my room with gifts and balloons and hugged me like she and I were friends. This lady has not contacted me ONCE since I have been pregnant and we talked ONE time during the pregnancy when H first left and she told me that i needed to be more careful and shouldnt have gotten pregnant if I knew things were not right with H and I. All my fault! I have not heard from her since, nor have my kids. So you can imagine my surprise when she showed up alone and wanting to see the baby. Well, she never did see him because he had just had his scare and was just taken to NICU and being monitored. She still has not see him yet, as she left. BUT, before she left, she asked to take the kids across the streed to eat and they went for about 30 minutes...when they came back, they said she was totally weird, saying that she has called their cell phones and not gotten calls back (not true) and she also told my 11 year old that she sees the she is getting acne. (she has like a few little beginning pimples on her forehead). I just cannot understand this womans behavior!

I need to mention the few times that H did come to the hospital, as you all know this was something I was dreading and anticipating. The first time was the night he was born and that went decent. He was there an hour. The next visit was Saturday morning after I had been in the NICU all night with Zachary...I had left my cell phone in my room and came back to my room to 25 text message from lots of people, H being one of them. He didnt bother to come and visit on Friday, so he came Saturday morning unannounced, but that was fine. I know he wanted to see him, especially since he was in NICU. He ended up staying 3 hours and boy, was that uncomfortable! Us and the baby in a small NICU corner..sitting side by side while he held the baby. We made some small talk, and he cried again while holding him...made me feel weird to see that. I had to look away and answer my texts to not get emotional myself. He made little comments and memories about when our girls were little. He also made the comment "isnt this surreal?" Well, guess what...maybe for him since he hasnt been a part of it..I have been pregnant for 9 months! He also mentioned things like he was trying to buy a house and he missed the time he had to have the offer in. Well..like I care about that right now...my baby is in NICU....I dont care about his house and his offers.

I was very generous, I thought, by letting him hold him the entire time, change his diaper and even took a few pictures of him with the baby...so that my son will know that his dad did come see him. I never got emotional in front of him, but I will admit that the first time he came I had no emotion toward him but this time...I sat there and looked at him off and on while we were talking and started to really think about how, here he was, sitting there beside me, my husband of 15 years, holding our son, but yet, he has a WHOLE LIFE OUTSIDE US. It was sad to me. Sad that he has chosen this path for us and for our kids and for himself. I just dont see how OW is more important than this!

He also came by later that same night with his brother. He was totally dressed, shaven and ready to go out. He came in, showed the baby to his bro, and then they left together. When they left, I bawled....just sad to see that he can come and stay a few minutes, dressed to go out and leave his baby in the NICU with me, knowing that everything will be okay because Im there! I know he everytime he leaves, he heads to OWs house and it kills me. Makes me cry thinking about it. How can he do this and still live with himself. Later that night, I received a text from H that said:

"Thanks for being so gracious and thank you for giving me a beautiful son. God bless you"

This was odd, as he doesnt believe in God anymore. And...I didnt GIVE you anything...

After he left I was okay and my kids came to stay with me..the next day all I heard was a text to please give Zachary a kiss for him and that he was working. The last night I was there, they put me in a room by myself with the baby but still had him hooked up on monitors. H texted late, like 10 pm, and asked if he could come see him. I said yes, figuring that it was better he came to the hospital than to the house the first night I got home. I also asked if he could stop at Walgreens and get my prescription and some other little things I needed and he did it for me. He came and stayed for a couple hours and this time , I laid down and slept. I was very weepy and didnt want him to see, which he did not. I really started thinking about all the negative things he has done and said to me and I was very upset. All the things that he has done to me over the past year and how they have affected me, yet, here I am, being nice to him. He asked about when he could come see the baby once I got home and I said Wed nights when he sees the girls would be great. He wants more, but right now, that is all I can give.

I feel mean. I feel bad....but I know I shouldnt. I just am a nice, caring person and its hard for me to not let him here, but yet, its hard to be around him. I just am an emotional wreck right now!

We got home on Monday afternoon. H had even asked who was taking me home and I said "myself" and he never even offered to come and help get me home. I had to do it myself. I was SO sad coming home alone...my mom and grandmother came and my mom has stayed here all week. Thank god for them.

The baby is doing awesome. He is the best! I cannot put him down! His sisters are completely in love also, so he is spoiled already!!

Once I was home, I did receive a text from H asking for the certificate of birth from the hospital so he can get the baby his insurance card. He then asked if he could come visit and I said it wasnt a good day. He asked how he was and I responded "He is great..the girls and I are so lucky to have him. We are going to have an amazing life together, so sorry you will miss it" Now, maybe that was mean and I shouldnt have written that , but Im upset and sad at this point. He responded that he wasnt going to miss anything and he didnt know what I was talking about? OMG...are you kidding me? He isnt going to miss anything? He really doesnt care. It breaks my heart.

I will write about what happened yesterday in a separate post in a bit. I got soooo upset last night after he texted me. Im so scared that this will now be my life...staying upset since I now have contact again with him. I was doing much better when I never saw him, or heard from him.

It seems so easy for him to waltz in and out and head back to his new life when for me, its HARD. I still care for him and yet, he has absolutely NO feelings for me. In fact, he called me a "trooper" when he heard that I had no meds for the birth. A trooper??? Come on...I have been your wife and gave birth to your son...and you can come up with trooper?

I think the problem is that I started to have some expectations ...and I know better that he will never meet them.

Sorry this is all over the place. I tried to write what happened in a short version and its hard to recap the last week! Its been a whirlwind. My mind is all over the place right now. I just dont know why GOD has decided to not make things easy for me. The last year has been so hard and then birth with no meds and then baby in NICU and now a H that is not even being nice....I just dont get it. I dont want to scream "victim" but its hard sometimes to not wonder....I know Im blessed with a lot..but its hard not to get discouraged!

I will start a new post about yesterday.

PJ