Into The Sunset

[AntoniaB]

Hi Tad.

You said, "I also wanted to say that I've been thinking a lot lately and it is pretty sad to me and discouraging that relationships that started so wonderfully can end up this way. WTF happened?

I also still wonder WTF I did. The hate and anger that she still displays is beyond belief."

I'm gonna take a stab at something here and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but we'll see.

It always comes back to the above for you. I want you to see how self-centered those statements are, and I think is this part of your problem.

It's like you can't see beyond your relationship with your XW to any other relationships in the world. Most relationships that start out wonderfully do NOT end up like ours. That's why we all came here. Because most of us can't even find one person in our lives who lives near us or who is related to has faced what we have. The marriage-ending MLC in what was initially a healthy marriage is probably pretty rare.

By continually saying "what happened" it's as if you've put your relationship with your XW on this pedestal. In other words, "This shouldn't have happened to ME. I had a GOOD marriage, a WONDERFUL one. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve her anger or this pain."

Well of course you don't, none of us deserved it.

But it happened and there's nothing that any of us can do about it. Nothing.

What's done is done. You can't turn back the clock on her actions. You can't turn back the clock on yours either. No one forces a mate to have a MLC or cheat. That's on them. But none of us were as perfect a spouse as we thought we were. A lot of us took this experience as a wake-up call to become better people, to examine what traits we had that were problematic, and to become more independent post-divorce.

Independence isn't just about paying the bills. It's also emotional independence. You strike me as a very needy person, emotionally. You seem to not be able to go on without her. Well that's what we all felt like, for a year, maybe 2, but eventually we have to get it together. I read your posts and I don't see you getting it together, still.

I feel like the one way I learned to get it together was taught to me by people here who got me to start caring about other people more. To stop thinking about myself all the time and think about someone else.

Again, you strike me as someone who spends an enormous amount of time thinking about the past and living there and not really trying to think about the future, to think about how to improve your self-esteem, or to think about others.

When you get together with friends in person, how much time do you spend talking about her? How much time do you sit and just listen to them? Because someone here is always asking you to talk about things other than her, and you barely do, even still, so is it the same way with friends or family in person?

I think it might help you if you tried to put yourself into the shoes of your friends and family. Do you think that they want to continue for another year listening to you rehash the same things? Do you think they are tired of trying to hold you up or be the good listener? Do you think they might want you to give undivided attention to their problems or concerns?

See it's at the point where I feel you are coming off as really self-centered, and the more you just keep looking at the past and your rel. with XW, the less you focus on your relationship with others and life apart from her.

Believe me I'm not trying to be mean at all, and maybe this is my 2 x 4 to you, but you have to start considering, how long are people around you going to put up with you not moving forward? Maybe if you put others first for a bit that will give you the motivation to get moving on with your life.

If you can't find the movitation to develop other interests or endeavors that are new that will distract you, then try to just focus on the needs of other people and see if that gets you anywhere. Do three random acts of kindness this week for people. See if that helps.