Is it too late? I will detail the whole story as much as I can without making this a novel. Please help me save my marriage. I think we still can do it. I think I've made some mistakes and errors out of hurt and pain and I think all I succeeded in doing was making them stronger and closer. We are separated for the longest we've been yet now and I am not sure we will reunite. Please any advice on what to do now will be great. I am not a fan of Plan B or going silent. I tried that and he took it as I let go and moved on. Even though I explained it to him. Others told him the same, that if I was not speaking to him then just move on and let me go.
We first separated in June 2011. His affair began in March 2011. This separation was due to arguing and fighting and issues we had. But we tried to reconcile a few days later. By September 2011 he left me again. Said he was miserably unhappy. We fought constantly but I still did not know he was with someone else. During the next few months he was wishy washy but never consistent. I never suspected someone else even though everyone was trying to tell me he had to be cheating on me by the way he was acting. I just did not think he was capable of that. In early Dec 2011 we began "dating" each other to see how it would go but at the end of the month I got the phone call from the other woman's husband. He had texts and pictures so there was no denying he was having an affair with this man's wife. He begged me not to leave him. He begged me to stay. He promised that he would spend the rest of this life making this up to me because it was me and always was me and always would be me. By late January he had moved back in with me.
We began marriage counseling and I thought it was going well. We were being affectionate and talking about things and I thought we were rebuilding but the day after Valentine's Day the other woman's husband called me again. He found out she had a secret phone. ANd was communicating with my husband in text and phone calls regularly (daily, several times a day). I blew up on him. I told him he had to go I would NOT put up with this. He stayed home that night (he usually went to play poker with the guys) to make things right with me and promise he wasn't doing anything wrong. Now I was looking at phone bills contstantly. I tracked his every call. I found it began earlier than I thought (perhaps they began the EA part of the affair as early as Oct 2010 according to the records) and I was always on him and bugging him about it all. He kept saying we couldn't do this all the time and me looking was only hurting me more. But I was in for more surprises. He was in such a fog and in so much denial I really think he beleived he could maintain us both.
In March her husband told me she was going into rehab and even gave me the name of the facility. I did not tell my husband I still spoke to her husband from time to time. We continued to try to work on our marriage but now in counseling he began not wanting to try and claiming he just didn't feel the need to try and didn't want to lead me on but would keep coming to counseling. In early March we were out to eat and he got a call which he walked away to take. I did not say anything to him then. When I got home I checked the bill and sure enough there was a long distance number on there that when I googled went to the facility she was staying in. I told her husband then I told mine I knew. He was angry and began pulling away more. In counseling he was saying he needed space. That I ask too many questions and want him to change his number and won't just "trust" him. OMG, trust him? He was STILL being a sneak and if I wasn't looking I wouldn't have known! By Mid March he was saying things like he can't do this to me it's not fair but he wouldn't explain further. I was always angry and always distrusting and he said he can't live that way. But remember he was still lying so why did I have reason to trust him? I knew what he meant but he refused to say it. At the end of March he told me that he owed it to himself and her to see where that relationship went. I did not fight him, I let him go. The day he moved out I called the Other Woman's husband. He confirmed that he filed for divorce while she was in rehab and that she had gotten out the day before and signed the papers. He got the house, the kids etc and she was ok with that because she needed to "find herself". He told me that she said she was moving in with my husband. My husband denied this. Said he didn't move in with her and wouldn't til he knew for sure we were done.
In May we tried again. I Plan A'd him until late June when he told me he saw her and wanted to be with her again and he was sorry. During the Plan A, we were doing good, he was telling me he was going to come home, he loved me and wanted to be with me. That he would get rid of her immediately and in a few weeks move back in. But then when he saw her he basically cut me off. In early July was our anniversary. He refused to spend time with me. But he did let himself in to my apt and leave me flowers. He was still insisting we were not over but I was so heartbroken now I cried all the time. In late July I found out he was living with her. He let himself in my apt while I was there and I asked for my keys back. I said if you're living with her you do not need keys to this apt. He handed them over but looked sad about it. We rarely contacted each other until late August when he said he was thinking about us and wanted to maybe give us a chance. But I kept being angry and telling him to just divorce me and marry her. Then we had a talk the following day where he was arrogant and a jerk. He said he wanted to see where it went with her and that was that but he wanted me to keep waiting. I said no. I said I was done, we need to file and she can have him. He moved out of her house and in with his Mom immediately and told me he left her. That he wanted to try our marriage and didn't think we were over. September he gave me a necklace with a diamond heart. October we went away for the weekend, but the weekend before I saw her and we have a mutual friend. I think I told that friend too much because it made her contact him. I once again saw by the bills that they were back on. And he began the whole fog speak of me being so patient and kind etc and that he knew one day he'd figure it out but refused to say more. He also started finding excuses not to see me. In Nov it got worse and by Dec I was again saying leave me alone and go be with her since she means so much more to you. In Nov she also told him I was calling her phone from my house phone. I wasn't. I had to prove to him that I wasn't. He knows she told this lie but then was saying to me that maybe we really are unfixable and he didn't want to marry her but he didn't want to leave her either. That he loved me still but has "feelings" for her.
In Dec I gave up on him. In January he told me he didn't love me anymore. In February I got a very nasty note "signed" by him but I suspect it was from her or her friends. A few weeks ago he said he was seriously thinking and wanted to talk. But he blew the talk off. Last night he came by to tell me he's been thinking of divorce now. That he knows he needs to let me move on and he knows if he gave us another chance he would have to get rid of her completely to focus on us 100 percent. But did say he has strong feelings for her still. That we had such problems that maybe we both should move on. He mentioned that he had looked into divorce but has not contacted a lawyer. I was trying to be encouraging but he then told me they fight constantly about me. That she is demanding he divorce me now for her.
I spoke to my MIL today. She said this OW calls him constantly and is always yelling and screaming at him. That he sometimes won't take her calls even. That she even drives by her house harrassing him at times and tried to run him over with her car. WTH? Can he seriously think this is the woman for him?
I waited for it to crash and burn on it's own but even though she's acting like a nutjob he is seriously considering divorcing me for her. What can I do at this point? He said he will be going away to think and I am going to let him.
Can this even be saved? As an outsider looking in does this just look to be over and they are now going to be happy together as soon as I am gone? I don't want a divorce. I never did. Please help me.
I have read all the texts and articles I can find on this site and in Michele's books. My husband has not. He has read some select things that were of interest to him and understand certain concepts like that he has to completely get rid of her to give us any chance. Last night was the first time he sounded like an adult but it scared me that he said Divorce.
I tried Marriage Builders but they insist I Plan B and cut him off. I can't do that. It really made things worse even though they insist it works. I think it pushed him further away and thought well, she isn't paying me any mind and this woman is so she must not love me. Last night he said he still loves me.
Our History:
We married in 2008 after a 2 year relationship. We got engaged in under a year. BTW, last night he was telling me that maybe we just wanted to be with someone and it wasn't as "special" as we believed. I asked him to not do that. Not to rewrite our love story because he is confused, that what we had WAS special. Anyway... shortly after we married I began fertility treatments. Took hormone pills then the shots. We began having issues when the hormones caused mood swings. I was mean and angry. I kept saying I don't know what's happening I don't know what's wrong I need help. Then I began having health issues. It wasn't until just before he left that I was diagnosed as having Hashimoto's Disease. I then got pregnant naturally and miscarried because I wasn't on right thyroid meds yet. He left soon after - mood swings again. I did not know the connectiong betweeen thyroid and hormones and neither did he. He just thought I was crazy. He began the affair when I was pregnant even.
Right before we married, he had neck surgery and was incapacitated for a long time. I took care of him. He didn't work. He sued and won a hefty settlement, which I think OW is after. Everyone tells me that all she talks about is how she lost her marriage and now my husband will take care of her. He's even said he feels responsible for her situation. I also had my thyroid removed since we separated and I am such a better person with a normal and even temperment all the time. But he isn't giving me the time to see that. He insists he met her for a reason. I swear this is fog babble.
I probably left some things out so ask anything you want to know. He was unhappy with the constant tension my mood swings created. He complained to her, she was unhappy in her marriage too and then began the affair where they are "soulmates" and "meant to be" and I believe this is hogwash.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
If you did, then you'll understand that it's not all about the OW. Which is what you've been focusing on. You have to get off that focus.
"I also had my thyroid removed since we separated and I am such a better person with a normal and even temperment all the time. But he isn't giving me the time to see that."
Because of all the past hurt that was put on him. He had just passed his breaking point and doesn't want to deal with you. PLUS he has no assurances that you won't go back to being the same. No amount of promises is going to be a guarantee. He has to see it in whatever limited contact you have with him.
"He insists he met her for a reason. I swear this is fog babble."
Again, you're missing the point. You explain how your mood swings were very damaging to him. So it's natural that when another person comes along to validate how they're feeling, that person is seen as being a sympathetic partner. It's not "fog babble".
"I probably left some things out so ask anything you want to know."
What changes have you made so far? What are you concrete goals (as described in DR).
"He was unhappy with the constant tension my mood swings created. He complained to her, she was unhappy in her marriage too"
This sums it all up.
"and then began the affair where they are "soulmates" and "meant to be" and I believe this is hogwash."
That's what's stopping you from making positive steps forward. It is not "hogwash" to him and it doesn't matter what YOU believe. It is what HE believes and right now it's all that matters.
Again, what changes have YOU made?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I do know I need to stop focusing on her. It's hard. Anytime I do he will remind me he is with her. It's a block for me.
I've tried to "show" him the changes many times. He's said that he can't spend time with me or do more than "check in" on the phone with me because he doesn't want to get attached and then change his mind again and hurt me more. I am not sure how to proceed and know actions speak louder than words but he isn't budging right now.
You're also right, I am focusing on me. I do understand his concerns and have told him that I understand he will need to see them if he chose to give us another chance before filing for sure and I know he would have to learn to trust it wouldn't be bad like that again with us.
The changes I have made are:
In the past I was lazy about housekeeping because I work long hours. My apt is now spotless. Which he did comment on just yesterday. I said it's been like this a while haven't you see it before and he said no this was the first time since he met me he's seen it so neat.
I am not throwing her in his face at all. I do not mention her as the "problem" anymore I accept what I've done as being an issue and have apologized many times for it and said I would love the opportunity to prove I really am over the affair (it's the back/forth that I am working on now, the coming back then going right back to her without giving me a chance) and I don't "spy" at all on him.
I listen when he talks about his feelings for her. I acknowldge that it must be a very difficult situation to be in and that it must be hard to decide who or what to trust right now. I also let him know that I trust he will make the right decision for himself.
I no longer sleep all day. I am up early and doing more active things. I am working on trying to live my life without him in the event he does decide to file divorce and I have to live my life that way. I try to be upbeat with him.
Today I asked if he wanted to go for coffee sometime. Not to discuss any of this but just to have coffee and spend some time. I said no pressure, just think about it.
I used to text all the time putting her/him down. I don't do that anymore. I try to respect his boundaries.
It's all a work in progress.
I want for him to let me back in so I can show how things changed but I guess we need to take baby steps. I do hope the comments on the neatness are having an effect on him in a positive way now.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
Every change is noticed. Have you done anything in terms of your physical well being? Sometimes you have to undergo a whole transformation for him to take a second look.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
When my thyroid came out my metabolism began running normally and I lost approximately 25lbs. When I noticed how good I looked thinner I began experimenting with my hair. First with subtle highlights and hairstyle changes and then went totally blonde (which OW did soon after lol) and got a shorter more modern cut. Everyone including my brothers and co-workers and neighbors have told me how great I look and how happy I look.
When you ask him what he thinks of my changes he says I look ok (haha) and that when I was heavier and darker haired he thought I looked ok too... he claims he isn't into "appearance". Um, ok.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
Appearance and change of attitude will make him take a second look. Think of the Sandy character from Grease. Nobody paid her a second look until the end when she changed her physical appearance AND attitude.
This will show him that it's definitely not the same.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The first time he saw me he did a double take, didn't even recognize me. But then composed himself. Now says I just look ok.
I am trying to be upbeat. He said he will not contact me anymore until after he comes back from visiting family.
He is supposed to see me tomorrow or Sat for money and I asked him to just think about it but maybe we could get coffee, not to discuss anything but just to have coffee together. He did not reply. But I do hope he thinks about it and agrees.
Maybe if she's pressuring him to divorce me, which he hasn't decided to do yet, me NOT pressuring him will be a relief and make him feel good about being around me instead.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
Grease was one of my favorite movies growing up. I must have seen it over 100 times, I can quote along with the move lol... And I was "bad" Sandy for Halloween when I was about 9 haha.. I just watched it the other day. Great example for me!!
And my changes are that drastic. I feel more confident even. I know I look good and it makes me feel good.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
