I want to save my marriage from the Other Woman

[rubysgem]

I do know I need to stop focusing on her. It's hard. Anytime I do he will remind me he is with her. It's a block for me.

I've tried to "show" him the changes many times. He's said that he can't spend time with me or do more than "check in" on the phone with me because he doesn't want to get attached and then change his mind again and hurt me more. I am not sure how to proceed and know actions speak louder than words but he isn't budging right now.

You're also right, I am focusing on me. I do understand his concerns and have told him that I understand he will need to see them if he chose to give us another chance before filing for sure and I know he would have to learn to trust it wouldn't be bad like that again with us.

The changes I have made are:

In the past I was lazy about housekeeping because I work long hours. My apt is now spotless. Which he did comment on just yesterday. I said it's been like this a while haven't you see it before and he said no this was the first time since he met me he's seen it so neat.

I am not throwing her in his face at all. I do not mention her as the "problem" anymore I accept what I've done as being an issue and have apologized many times for it and said I would love the opportunity to prove I really am over the affair (it's the back/forth that I am working on now, the coming back then going right back to her without giving me a chance) and I don't "spy" at all on him.

I listen when he talks about his feelings for her. I acknowldge that it must be a very difficult situation to be in and that it must be hard to decide who or what to trust right now. I also let him know that I trust he will make the right decision for himself.

I no longer sleep all day. I am up early and doing more active things. I am working on trying to live my life without him in the event he does decide to file divorce and I have to live my life that way. I try to be upbeat with him.

Today I asked if he wanted to go for coffee sometime. Not to discuss any of this but just to have coffee and spend some time. I said no pressure, just think about it.

I used to text all the time putting her/him down. I don't do that anymore. I try to respect his boundaries.

It's all a work in progress.

I want for him to let me back in so I can show how things changed but I guess we need to take baby steps. I do hope the comments on the neatness are having an effect on him in a positive way now.