Wife and I went to a family counselor last night. I was already a little leary because I figured that it would turn into a husband bashing session.
Well what's done is done, but if you've read many threads here you should have known that MC is a bad idea with a WAS. The WAS is 100% done with the marriage, there is NOTHING you or a C can say to them to change their mind. The ONLY thing that MIGHT work is DB'ing- giving them time and space, removing all pressure and doing 180's on your faults. The WAS will go into counseling simply to be validated in their belief that breaking up is the best thing to do, and 99% of MC's will say that at some point because they're trained to facilitate divorces, not to save marriages at all costs. And when they do say it, the WAS suddenly perks up and is in full agreement with this "brilliant" C. MC is a form of applying pressure to the WAS and they do not like/ want/ need pressure. It drives them farther away.
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I then told him that she was willing to give me time to work things out. My wife then went off. She made it very clear that she still wanted a divorce but that she was just giving me the time that I asked for.
Listen to her! She DID NOT give you 6 months to save the M. She gave you 6 months to get your act together. You've got to quit pressuring her with stuff like that! Take the 6 months to properly DB, and proper DB'ing means NO PRESSURE! That means no MC, no R, M or D talks, no talk about the future, no dates, etc. etc.
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She then began to tell him everything that I ever did wrong in this marriage. Some of it real, some exaggerated, some of it I have no idea what she was talking about.
They are all real to her. I hope you took notes and if not, then get out a pencil right now and write down everything you can remember. Do 180's on them all, even if you don't think it's legit. Because to her, it is legit. I'm not hearing you describe any validation in your conversations with her, so let me offer some examples of validation you should be employing:
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She said that she still planned to do that but just wanted to make known that nothing had changed as far as her wanting a divorce.
"I understand why you feel this way. Thank you for giving me this time, I am using it to improve myself regardless of what happens between us. Ultimately I just want you to be happy, and if leaving is what will make you happy then I support your decision to go. But until then I will make the most of the time you give me."
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She then continued to express how the terrible way I had treated her over the years has led to her current feelings and disposition.
"I hear you saying that I treated you poorly, that must have made you feel angry and frustrated. Is that how you felt?"
"Definitely frustrated, not really angry though."
"I can understand why you would be frustrated with that kind of treatment. I clearly did a poor job of communicating with you and understanding your feelings, I am sorry you felt that way and am committed to making sure it doesn't happen again. I am learning new communication skills and trying to emply them, but can use your feedback as we progress through this."
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This barrage continued on throughout the meal.
Don't look at it as a "barrage". Look at it as her opening up to you. Your responses are critical. Validate validate validate!!!
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I can clearly see now that I must not get into conversations about the past. That is a fight that I simply can't win. The hard part is trying to get her not to go down that road everytime we talk.
Can't win? Commit this little bit of DB forum advice to memory- do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married? It's not about winning, or being right. It's about LISTENING!!!! I'm going to venture a guess that you (like most of us guys) were a terrible listener during your M. Whenever your W tried to communicate you saw it as nagging, so you shut down, left the room, quit listening, turned the TV up louder, etc. If so, then what you describe is "more of the same" behavior!!! You WANT her to talk to you, you WANT her to air her grievances, and she WANTS you to listen. She wants you to be the best listener ever- making eye contact, nodding, hanging on every word, asking questions about her comments, asking how it made her feel, and validating her feelings. Because that would be a 180, right? And it would be a big one. It would get her attention.
