I see what you're sayIng. I just have a little difficulty welcoming the man who came into our lives and [censored] my wife (the mother of my children ) in our house in the bed I bought, hauled home and assembled while my X was pregnant with our second child. My X wife told me the condoms I found in the nightstand were his.
I hope you understand.
Sorry for the hijack.
Sleeper,
I'm confused. I thought your question was with respect to how you should try to set limits on the role of XW's H in the lives of your children. I understood your concern to be what was healthiest for the kids. For those reasons, I suggested that you accept the reality, quit viewing XW's H as OM in the present, and welcome him into your kid's lives. He is there. Resenting it, resisting it, trying to push against it will hurt your children. The best thing for them is that they have a healthy, loving R him as one of the significant adults in their lives. You can't deliver such an R. But, you can avoid creating conditions that make such an R less likely. For instance, you can accept reality, welcome him as a person who WILL be in your kid's lives. Doing otherwise puts YOU right in the middle of their R with him. That is a very toxic place for them to be.
As for the difficulty, of course it is hard. I never suggested that you befriend him. Personally, I think the "one big happy family" model is not a good way to go. Civility and dumping the resentment you have with respect to his R with your kids suffices.
The two most important people in your XM were you and XW. The best way to let go of the resentment is to focus on yourself and how your patterns of behavior contributed to the problems in the M. XW committed a far greater betrayal than her H. If you can let go of your resentment of her and be civil to her for your own sake and your kids, then it is a much smaller challenge to do the same with respect to XW's H. Unless, of course, you project your own anger towards W onto him.
If you seek to move forward, examine yourself. Quit worrying about other people. There is nothing to work through with XW or her H. The old relationships that were relevant are over.
