I'm a little confused after phone coaching session

[25yearsmlc]

I think I've had some missteps this week. I was obsessed with relieving my guilt and sending H an email accepting my blame in the failure of my relationship. It was cathartic and cleansing and understanding and geared towards healing. I felt really good about it at the time - a lot of soul baring. I started out writing for him, but it ended up something I needed to do for me, acknowledging my anger in our relationship and how I understand that contributed to pushing him away. I asked him if he would consider going to see counselor with me again to try to work on our communication and resolve some wounds so our family could move forward in whatever form. Totally no pressure.


It WAS and IS pressure. Even if unintended. I'd urge you Not to repeat this.
You said what you wanted & needed to say.

He heard you. He replied.

NOTHING MORE IS NEEDED NOW. IF, IF HE brings up your letter you say "I just wanted to get it off my chest. Hope you don't mind." And leave it at that. IF he presses onward, spend your time LISTENING and gathering more information. Validate and then listen some more. IF he asks you for any type of decision, say you need time to process it.

Nothing wears on a relationship like constantly taking its' temperature. Not having discussed the R since October was probably great.

Please do NOT tell him or ask him IF he noticed your changes, b.c it undermines those very changes. Please do NOT point them out or highlight them.

If your letter was as out of character and different for YOU, then trust that he knows it. If he doesn't see it that way, nothing you SAY will convince him of it.

A lot of praise for his dedication to (providing for) our family. Before last year, he truly was a wonderful dad. I tried to just remember the old qualities and praised those.

Good. That's ^^ "applauding loudly for the 1% of positives" he does and I hope you can do that for his present day positives.

Then I pushed send. And I instantly regretted it! Felt like I was really pushing him for a decision, felt like I was going to push him to file for D. Total terror and panic attacks. WHY do I do this to myself?? I truly had a breakthrough in my soul and do not regret my words at all. But I am so worried it was the wrong strategic move to take.

He did reply with a text message within an hour of sending the email. H said "read your email. thanks. still processing it." I replied "thank you". Then he sent me a joke text, which he hasn't done for ages and ages. I answered & that was it.

So worry worry worry...


how is that^^^ going for you? Does it enhance your life or your behavior? My guess is, NO.

I used to worry about things out of my control or that could only happen in the future, about an hour over each day. That adds up to YEARS of useless negativity.

It lessens our everyday joy, it lessens our capacity for loving others, and it makes us miserable and changes NOTHING in the future or that we have no control over...gee, wonder if I'll ever get breast cancer??

Stop that thought pattern. Life is too short. Plus, it's a lousy thing to put out into the universe. ALSO it makes you want control...esp over things you do NOT have control over anyhow...and that leads to other behaviors and outcomes you do NOT want...

then daughter had a concert tonight and I had sent an invite on Monday night as my coach said to do - short notice invites. I'm not really sure why short notice, to see if they'll go out of their way? Well, he said he was going.

OR to lower your expectations and show that you must not have high outlandish expectations since it's last minute. If you gave him a MONTH's notice, he pretty much has to go - or feel like a loser. Just mho.

Then the concert was in a different school than I thought, so I sent another text and he replies that he's late. On his way but about an hr away. The concert started in 20 min so I replied it's okay, I know he's working hard, it's a small concert & don't worry about it. He replied that he 'doesn't want to let D15 down. I'm really torn up about our relationship'. (FIRST HINT IN FOREVER that he has any emotions in there at all)

really?

What about October's comment to you when you gave him the "roadmap"? I'm not trying to hit you with 2 x 4's but you have been sort of blind to a lot of his efforts b/c they were not wrapped the way you wanted them or b/c he left.



Then I was very surprised when he calls me right after sending that text. I told him (per DB coach, be understanding & supportive) that it's okay, D15 would understand. I ask if he's okay. And he starts crying on the phone! Says he wants to be a better dad, wants to be there for dds. Me, being supportive - girls know you love them, they love you, a lot of healing needs to take place but it can happen.

that^^ is a request for HIM to work on things. You already did that in the letter. He did NOT answer that part but now you've repeated it.

Just reassure him of their love, to keep the road home, paved and smooth. Stop reminding him of the "healing" that needs to happen when he knows it, it's obvious. He is in pain, as is she.


He's really sad and says he's been working so much, 'someone needs to work & provide for girls to have every opportunity'. I said I understand, but his working so much hasn't really brought his or us happiness...


any chance you can get a job to ease his stress? When he says "someone has to", does he mean, evidently just HIM, b/c you won't?

What about you offering to at least get a part time job to help out? OR if you are working already, can you maybe ask for a raise or look for better pay? At least show him you are on his side and on the same team. Telling him you "understand BUT" it has not brought happiness means you do NOT agree with him so he's "wrong". Where is the teamwork in that ??


I hinted at my offer to see counselor together again to try to heal our family, he was noncommital. I offered for him to call if he ever wants to talk about things.

Please...no more of this^^. You said your words in the letter, you said them again (twice in the talk?) and you KNOW He heard them.

No need to keep instructing him or reminding him of the WORK HE must do, etc. NO need to pretend no pressure is on him.

Also, if it's you he wants to talk to about problems, he'll call you. No need to offer to listen.

So he was "noncommital" about counselling. So drop it. Do not bring it up again.

LIGHTEN UP now. Be fun and relaxed and EASY TO BE AROUND which was what was working.

No more pressure and trust me, R talk = pressure.


H said he made plans to see D17 on Friday and that he'd see me then. I replied that I have plans, may not see him. Which is actually true because I'm GALing & meeting a girlfriend for happy hour!

GOOD! Be sure to be gone then.

So at this point, he's showing emotion which is WAY out of his comfort zone. I almost didn't know how to respond, I have so little practice with his emotions! With our co-dependency history, it's really confusing to figure out where I'm taking charge of his relationship with his daughters again.

I think you're starting to take charge again. JMHO. Back off for real now. OR it's just more of the same.

But after all this time, it's pretty obvious he doesn't know which way to turn in healing with dds. And if we can be better communicators and heal some of our issues, it can only help daughters.

look at the rationalizations you are using here^^^....NO, it can't "only help your d's".....

NOT if it's you taking charge again. LET HIM LEAD HIMSELF TO THE WATER.

I don't know where this can take us but 2 significant things happened - I showed a very atypical amount of humility in my email (I have a very hard time admitting failure) and it was good for ME! I really felt like I've grown through admitting my faults. He responded to my emotional admissions by being emotional himself - and that's also atypical. He was crying and sad about R with dds, but maybe there was more there too. Maybe he is finally realizing things aren't so dandy and healing has happen.

OR
maybe he just feels sorry for himself b/c he works so hard "someone has to" and yet his r's with his d's stink and so, he is a victim & it's so unfair to HIM.

If I were you I would not want to be in the target zone of who to blame if that is how he's feeling. You seriously need to back off.

IF progress has been made then let it sink in. Don't un-do it.

make sense?