Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

Things have changed a lot in the last week and I'm kind of having a hard time with it. I wasn't expecting to be dealing with H opening up at this point. I have just been going on with life and feeling completely out of his. I'm keeping tabs on things for various reasons, but feeling for the most part disconnected from it, more analytical than anything. Emotionally I'm just not there. My feelings have been so closed and locked towards him, it's hard to keep it all separated. The thought of being anything more than a friend to him at this point is so gone, and even being a friend is hard because I'm so hurt by him. He is reaching out to me so much more, as well as old friends, and yet I know he is still connected to his harem. So I'm being his friend, being happy, being awesome and encouraging, and knowing at the same time he is likely going to go off and suck some skank's face. That's difficult to pull off. I don't know how I'm doing it. The thing that I feel is helping me do this is my prayers to be able to see H the way God does, to love him and have compassion towards him, even when he hurts me or may not deserve it.

So here's the run down of multiple phone calls from the last week.

Last week I felt the need to reach out to him and warn him about someone, which turned into the big talk as I novelized in a previous post. Then a few days ago, close friend of ours mentioned to former friend that we were S. Former friend is going through D and completely messed up, blowing money, womanizing, alcohol. This FF calls up H, bashing his own STBX and wanting H to join in. Wants H to be his wing man to go out partying. H calls me to tell me all about it. Telling me how he told FF that I am amazing. That this has nothing to do with me. That H is a horrible person. That he is not drinking or talking to anyone and he'll go have lunch with him, but not interested in what FF was outlining. H told me he has his demons, but alcohol is not it. I told H he doesn't need it. He is the life of the party without it. I also told H he is not a horrible person, and that I am not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes and have a lot of regrets and I want to be forgiven for those things, and how could I expect that forgiveness if I wasn't willing to forgive others? Talked about FF being in a bad place of depression and self loathing.

Another call: H calls to tell me how SIL had contacted him about a situation with friend of hers, and how H had told her sometimes you need to just cut your losses and that friend wasn't worth it, that she put too much time into the relationship and not getting a return. That he has gone through this too many times. I told H that SIL talked to me about the same thing, but the advice I gave her was to talk to face to face, that her friend could be going through a hard time, to be understanding, compassionate and forgiving, that typically people are not vindictive and malicious on purpose and there may be an underlying cause.

Then get a call from close GF of mine who is D. H was dropping off S and started talking to her, a lot. She said stuff to him I never would or could, but all from a loving/caring place. H said to her that I was amazing. I have changed so much and become even better than before. That he notices how happy I am. That I'm so strong and put together. That I look so good. That he did resent me for not noticing his depression, but then said he realized he was wrong to blame me for that and doesn't anymore: "How could she know, with work, the kids, and everything else, and me keeping it hidden." He blames himself for everything. He said that he can tell how I've been working on me and that he has to. My friend said to him, "Have you really?" She asked him about if he had gone to counseling and he said no, just the MC before. She told him if he found a good C, how helpful it was for her. (I don't think he is ready for that, but interesting she brought it up.) She told him how hard D is and dating and everything else. H told her he would be there for me and the baby and whatever I needed, but that it was just too hard for him emotionally to talk about. He told her that he knows I would forgive him for anything. (I have mixed feelings about this one, as does that mean he takes it as I am going to forgive him/love him no matter what, so he can continue to go down this path for awhile, take on more and more women, knowing I'll forgive him and thus take him back no matter what?)

H calls last night and wants to take the boys. I say okay and go out with another friend. Word has started spreading through neighborhood about S and I'm annoyed, because it's not caring/compassion, it's gossip. As I'm leaving to go out, I text a reply to someone that I don't need help with the baby, that H is there for me 100%. I tell this to H, leaving out the baby part, just that I don't need help and that H is there for me. I think he looks a little shocked, but nods and gives me a hug.

This morning on the way to work I was thinking about D, timelines, that I just don't know if I have those romantic feelings anymore. I care about him, but I feel so removed from the marriage. And two mins later as I am thinking this, H calls me to tell me a different friend who doesn't know about sitch (but likely does at this point) that he had a dream about him that he ran into him, and H was his happy, go-lucky self (this is something people have always said about H. He is always happy. He is always the life of the party) but then he turned around and followed him into a room, and H broke down crying. Friend wanted to call to make sure he was okay. H said he told him he is doing better now than he was last fall, it's all self inflected, and he doesn't' want to talk about it, but would like to go to lunch and it meant a lot to him that he would call. I think it says a lot that the first thing H does after this call is call me to tell me about it. I told him that was really great his friend did that.

H still talks to others about being depressed, but that his new outlets and hobbies are helping. I told him if he needs to come to the house to watch tv to decompress he could, but he told me that he is okay to be there when he's there for the boys, but otherwise he feels like an intruder and uncomfortable. I told him I was sorry he felt that way.