Running on Fumes

[Portia]

Thank you everyone, Snodderly, Sam, 25, Frozen and MizJ, for your thoughts and prayers and for checking in on me.

My parent passed away peacefully early last week. My heart is broken in an entirely different way although I know how lucky I was to have enjoyed our time together.

Most of the last two weeks have been filled with family and friends.

All experiences change us and this one has been no different.

LATER ON, when the dust settles, you can bet you'll see some things more clearly...and that clarity will help you assess better.

I agree. I am not sure I have reached clarity yet, but life seems very different now that I have lost my loved one. I really cannot explain the change. It is more of a realization that for the last eight months, I have supported everyone from xSO to other family members without truly feeling like any support was returned. Like a pillar supporting a house. But when I look closely, that piller is showing a strain and cracks.

The saying goes that if you do not take care of yourself, no one else will. That may be true, but at the same time, I think that is rather sad.

As much as I talk about & believe in forgiveness being our way out of hell, there are some actions/omissions that are, in the end, not forgivable.

Oh It's not that we hold onto the pain of their abandonment or ugly remarks...no it's not that. It's that we no longer see them in the same way or with the same value, and at some level, we know we never will.

25, this was elegantly written and something I have felt but have not been able to express so well.

The day my parent passed, I called xSO with the news. We did not talk for long but I recall telling him that I was very disappointed that he did not contact me the week before to check on me or ask how things were going. He apologized and excused his actions that he was preoccupied with his own mother's troubles.

I probably should not have said that but I was not in DBing mode.

In any event, he did call and text quite frequently through the past week. Out of guilt? He admitted that he felt terrible for not supporting me. Because he still cares? He said he loves me. I do not know but I can guess. For the most part the conversations were about him, not able me.

Snodderly and 25, you both called him self-absorbed and selfish. I try to keep my "facts" as neutral as I can when I journal so that I do not infuse my hopes or judgments into anything. But I have to agree with you. At this point in time, he is and I thank you both for reminding me of the "facts" which too often in my mind get confused with the Once Upon a Time.

Last night, we spoke on the phone. He called me as he has been all week. I have not been very good at DBing and have fallen a bit into "lecture mode". This will stop. A few things were significant to me: he started to call me by my nickname and then changed in mid-stream. Kinda minor but so noticeable. I also asked if he wanted to see me while I was in town as he mentioned that we should before. I would be there on my birthday. He asked if he could get back to me as he needed to check his work schedule.

Zero expectations, detachment...all in my control...did not matter. That hurt. And to me, showed me very clearly that he simply does not care for me anymore. I know there have been a thousand signs but I am just beginning to see them. I do not even trust that he is ever telling me the truth - about anything.

He said he would get back to me. I was thinking of cancelling on him first. My meeting him would involve effort and extra expense and I do not think it is worth it. If I thought that this one visit would change anything, I might go if he said he was available, but it will not, I don't think. I would appreciate someone else's take on this plan. We have not seen each other since the end of November. Should I cancel?

And something strange. He spoke about his IC sessions and that he was going to stop them. His main concern was how to handle one of his family members. He stated that he was not as troubled as some other people and why did he need more sessions? I kept my mouth shut but what I could have said!

Right now, I am not ready to move on. But I will be moving forward. Maybe that door stays open a slight crack and maybe I will see the return of the man that was. There are many things to deal with, including my grief and work that needs to be done.