Is it too late? I will detail the whole story as much as I can without making this a novel. Please help me save my marriage. I think we still can do it. I think I've made some mistakes and errors out of hurt and pain and I think all I succeeded in doing was making them stronger and closer. We are separated for the longest we've been yet now and I am not sure we will reunite. Please any advice on what to do now will be great. I am not a fan of Plan B or going silent. I tried that and he took it as I let go and moved on. Even though I explained it to him. Others told him the same, that if I was not speaking to him then just move on and let me go.
We first separated in June 2011. His affair began in March 2011. This separation was due to arguing and fighting and issues we had. But we tried to reconcile a few days later. By September 2011 he left me again. Said he was miserably unhappy. We fought constantly but I still did not know he was with someone else. During the next few months he was wishy washy but never consistent. I never suspected someone else even though everyone was trying to tell me he had to be cheating on me by the way he was acting. I just did not think he was capable of that. In early Dec 2011 we began "dating" each other to see how it would go but at the end of the month I got the phone call from the other woman's husband. He had texts and pictures so there was no denying he was having an affair with this man's wife. He begged me not to leave him. He begged me to stay. He promised that he would spend the rest of this life making this up to me because it was me and always was me and always would be me. By late January he had moved back in with me.
We began marriage counseling and I thought it was going well. We were being affectionate and talking about things and I thought we were rebuilding but the day after Valentine's Day the other woman's husband called me again. He found out she had a secret phone. ANd was communicating with my husband in text and phone calls regularly (daily, several times a day). I blew up on him. I told him he had to go I would NOT put up with this. He stayed home that night (he usually went to play poker with the guys) to make things right with me and promise he wasn't doing anything wrong. Now I was looking at phone bills contstantly. I tracked his every call. I found it began earlier than I thought (perhaps they began the EA part of the affair as early as Oct 2010 according to the records) and I was always on him and bugging him about it all. He kept saying we couldn't do this all the time and me looking was only hurting me more. But I was in for more surprises. He was in such a fog and in so much denial I really think he beleived he could maintain us both.
In March her husband told me she was going into rehab and even gave me the name of the facility. I did not tell my husband I still spoke to her husband from time to time. We continued to try to work on our marriage but now in counseling he began not wanting to try and claiming he just didn't feel the need to try and didn't want to lead me on but would keep coming to counseling. In early March we were out to eat and he got a call which he walked away to take. I did not say anything to him then. When I got home I checked the bill and sure enough there was a long distance number on there that when I googled went to the facility she was staying in. I told her husband then I told mine I knew. He was angry and began pulling away more. In counseling he was saying he needed space. That I ask too many questions and want him to change his number and won't just "trust" him. OMG, trust him? He was STILL being a sneak and if I wasn't looking I wouldn't have known! By Mid March he was saying things like he can't do this to me it's not fair but he wouldn't explain further. I was always angry and always distrusting and he said he can't live that way. But remember he was still lying so why did I have reason to trust him? I knew what he meant but he refused to say it. At the end of March he told me that he owed it to himself and her to see where that relationship went. I did not fight him, I let him go. The day he moved out I called the Other Woman's husband. He confirmed that he filed for divorce while she was in rehab and that she had gotten out the day before and signed the papers. He got the house, the kids etc and she was ok with that because she needed to "find herself". He told me that she said she was moving in with my husband. My husband denied this. Said he didn't move in with her and wouldn't til he knew for sure we were done.
In May we tried again. I Plan A'd him until late June when he told me he saw her and wanted to be with her again and he was sorry. During the Plan A, we were doing good, he was telling me he was going to come home, he loved me and wanted to be with me. That he would get rid of her immediately and in a few weeks move back in. But then when he saw her he basically cut me off. In early July was our anniversary. He refused to spend time with me. But he did let himself in to my apt and leave me flowers. He was still insisting we were not over but I was so heartbroken now I cried all the time. In late July I found out he was living with her. He let himself in my apt while I was there and I asked for my keys back. I said if you're living with her you do not need keys to this apt. He handed them over but looked sad about it. We rarely contacted each other until late August when he said he was thinking about us and wanted to maybe give us a chance. But I kept being angry and telling him to just divorce me and marry her. Then we had a talk the following day where he was arrogant and a jerk. He said he wanted to see where it went with her and that was that but he wanted me to keep waiting. I said no. I said I was done, we need to file and she can have him. He moved out of her house and in with his Mom immediately and told me he left her. That he wanted to try our marriage and didn't think we were over. September he gave me a necklace with a diamond heart. October we went away for the weekend, but the weekend before I saw her and we have a mutual friend. I think I told that friend too much because it made her contact him. I once again saw by the bills that they were back on. And he began the whole fog speak of me being so patient and kind etc and that he knew one day he'd figure it out but refused to say more. He also started finding excuses not to see me. In Nov it got worse and by Dec I was again saying leave me alone and go be with her since she means so much more to you. In Nov she also told him I was calling her phone from my house phone. I wasn't. I had to prove to him that I wasn't. He knows she told this lie but then was saying to me that maybe we really are unfixable and he didn't want to marry her but he didn't want to leave her either. That he loved me still but has "feelings" for her.
In Dec I gave up on him. In January he told me he didn't love me anymore. In February I got a very nasty note "signed" by him but I suspect it was from her or her friends. A few weeks ago he said he was seriously thinking and wanted to talk. But he blew the talk off. Last night he came by to tell me he's been thinking of divorce now. That he knows he needs to let me move on and he knows if he gave us another chance he would have to get rid of her completely to focus on us 100 percent. But did say he has strong feelings for her still. That we had such problems that maybe we both should move on. He mentioned that he had looked into divorce but has not contacted a lawyer. I was trying to be encouraging but he then told me they fight constantly about me. That she is demanding he divorce me now for her.
I spoke to my MIL today. She said this OW calls him constantly and is always yelling and screaming at him. That he sometimes won't take her calls even. That she even drives by her house harrassing him at times and tried to run him over with her car. WTH? Can he seriously think this is the woman for him?
I waited for it to crash and burn on it's own but even though she's acting like a nutjob he is seriously considering divorcing me for her. What can I do at this point? He said he will be going away to think and I am going to let him.
Can this even be saved? As an outsider looking in does this just look to be over and they are now going to be happy together as soon as I am gone? I don't want a divorce. I never did. Please help me.
