Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

Hello Breakdown… I will have to check out that survey and see what it says about me. I am sure I am in some way judgmental since everyone thinks so but I guess I need to figure out what/why that is and see if I can address it. Because I honestly don’t want to be like that.

How did you decide what to work on first btw?

As far as C, we each have an IC and we have a MC so for someone that is used to keep his feelings in, this has been a lot of talking and exploring of emotions which I use to ignore before. It is hard sometimes but at least it is a place to talk out loud what I am thinking and feeling about the M and everything else (at least in my IC).

My anger issues I think were more from the younger me and saw that growing up and thought that is how a man is supposed to be but I have changed so much in recognizing it and trying not to be so angry. Especially after the kids, I am trying to not bring them in the same environment I grew up in. I have been trying to be a better person and even W would say that during MC that I am not as angry as I used to be. And no, most of my anger were not towards W but everything else. I am a down to earth kind of guy but when someone crossed me I would not let it go and that’s where the anger was towards.

The controlling I am not sure if it’s from the way I grew up. It usually happens when I feel like I am loosing W. Like I said other times I don’t act this way but when I feel she is distancing herself from me and I see the possibly of losing her I react and try to control the situation. Deep down I know I am not able to control her action and feelings and NOW I know more when I try to control the situation it makes it worse. The way I was seeing it first is if I can show her from my side of it, she would understand and would do the “right” thing. Which might be right for me but not her or anyone else. But all that does is push her away.

[Bel123]

This process [censored] so much. One minute I can be feeling great and have a great outlook of the future and a mentality of whatever happens, happens and the next I feel like crap because of W’s action or lack of action. I know it shouldn’t be this way. I should be able to control my feelings and now let her affects me but is that really possible?

In my heart I know detaching is the key and I tell myself that every day but putting that in practice is a different story.

How long has it taken for most to detach?

When you truly detach, do these mood swings go away?

[Tallula]

For me, my real detaching started when I told my H that he needed to completely have NC with OW or we needed to separate. This was my boundary. He wanted to move forward with repairing our R with no transparancy and being FB friends with OW. For me, a strong stance is the only way I can do this. It's not the case for everyone. It's been a 2 steps forward, 1 step back process.

This weekend I found out that he has renewed contact with her. The premise of our S was that he wouldn't see OP. This is really lead me to big time detachment and really pulling back. That's the hardest thing to really do. Pull back. I know I thought he would "forget" me or it would move him closer to OW. Now, I just don't care if it does. I'm doing this for me. BUT, today I'm sitting on my hands to not text him. Yea, it's not as emotionally wrentching as, say, a few weeks ago, or 3 months ago on BD. It's a process. My swings aren't as painful. You just feel it, don't act on it, and you feel better faster than the last time.

[Breakdown]

How did you decide what to work on first btw?

I knew I was insecure, and I knew this caused an awful lot of problems so it was pretty easy for me to focus on that. I'd honestly thought a lot about it over the year or two prior to BD. That said, I had no idea how this bled over into so many other "issues." It's a bit like peeling an onion....there is layer upon layer when it comes to this stuff.

A few that Mach1 asked me to think about (and they all applied):

Jealousy
Insecurities
Controlling behavior
Judgmental behavior
Superiority behavior
Criticism

So you mentioned anger and controlling...what are you doing differently here?

[Breakdown]

How long has it taken for most to detach?

When you truly detach, do these mood swings go away?

I think it totally depends on the individual. Every situation is a little different and people are unique. It's been 2 years since BD for me and I'm still not detached, but W and I still live together and sleep in the same bad, so it's difficult.

That said, it does get a little easier every day. I still feel sad sometimes, or lonely, but I don't spend a lot of time there. It comes, I acknowledge it, and I move on with my day.

Focus on you and the things you can control and hang in there.

[Bel123]

So you mentioned anger and controlling...what are you doing differently here?

For anger, I have realized I am not gaining anything by being angry and that when I am angry, it puts me in a mind frame of being unhappy. And since this ordeal has started, I have noticed that I have become an unhappy person and I know even I wouldn’t want to be around myself. I have been trying to work out more, read and practice anger management techniques, breathing exercise, try not to speak when angry since it usually ends up being something I later regret.

For the controlling issue, I am still trying to figure it out. Like I said, I know W’s action is not something I can control and I have to let the chips fall where they may. I have minimized of asking her where about (unless with S). I am trying to figure out why I am this way and not sure the root cause of it.

I am sure I have the below issues as well

Jealousy
Insecurities
Controlling behavior
Judgmental behavior
Superiority behavior
Criticism

I also think even though these issues are expressed at people/W, I think it is due to lack of self-esteem/ self worth. I need to love myself more and know deep down inside I am a good person. I have keep telling that to myself and start really believing it. Its try what they say of how can you love somebody if you don’t love yourself

[Bel123]

That said, it does get a little easier every day. I still feel sad sometimes, or lonely, but I don't spend a lot of time there. It comes, I acknowledge it, and I move on with my day.
Focus on you and the things you can control and hang in there.

You my friend are a rock. I don't know if I have it in me for 2 more years of this "cold war" as MC called it. Especially, when OM is in the picture. Sometimes I don't know even if she comes back if I would want her back since there have been so much damage inflicted in both of us. But that’s another bridge to cross if we ever get there so for now I have to acknowledge sadness, loneliness and do something about it and not dwell like you said.

Thanks for the engorgement and taking the time to write Breakdown!

[Bel123]

Tallula- You are right, I don’t know how someone would want to repair the R but still want to contact OP. That puts the LBS who most likely have trust issues in a loop. I do believe both people have to really want it and I hope in time if I get to that point, I am able to have my boundaries set and able to enforce them like you. I guess no guarantees even if the WAS wants to repair the M or R, both will be in the same page with a real common goal. That is one of the toughest thing for me to accept and deal with is the uncertainty of all this.

[AnotherStander]

I know it shouldn’t be this way. I should be able to control my feelings and now let her affects me but is that really possible?

It is absolutely possible.

In my heart I know detaching is the key and I tell myself that every day but putting that in practice is a different story.

How long has it taken for most to detach?

Like Breakdown said it's different for each person, but for me detachment started at separation but I think the real detachment (in which W's comments and actions no longer affected me and I felt independent and in control of my own destiny again) was about 2 months after S.

When you truly detach, do these mood swings go away?

I can't speak for everyone, but for me, definitely. My W isn't a crazy MLCer or anything, if she were then I'm sure I'd get more caught up in the roller coaster. But as it is she's a pretty "low energy" WAW and her attitude and actions no longer affect me at all. I'm actually a lot happier now than I was in the last several years of my marriage. I'm not saying I don't want to reconcile, but I am saying that my current and future contentment with my life does not hinge on reconciliation.

[Bel123]

I can't speak for everyone, but for me, definitely. My W isn't a crazy MLCer or anything, if she were then I'm sure I'd get more caught up in the roller coaster. But as it is she's a pretty "low energy" WAW and her attitude and actions no longer affect me at all. I'm actually a lot happier now than I was in the last several years of my marriage. I'm not saying I don't want to reconcile, but I am saying that my current and future contentment with my life does not hinge on reconciliation.

Thanks for the reply AnotherStander.

If we ever get to the point of someone you love's action (good or bad) doesn't affect you, then what is the point? Not trying to sounds like an A$$ but I am new and trying to figure some of it out. If I love someone and they do something bad to me/towards me then naturally it will affect me in a negative way. But how is it possible to get to the point of not letting W affect me. If I get to that point, wouldn't it be I am out of love and don't care enough?