The Ultimate Getting Back Together Thread

[Pmac21]

Ok, I'm a new member & I scoured the forum looking for stories of folks who found DB'ing after the D was final, like me, but are still working on resurrecting the marriage.

Think of this as "putting the genie back in the bottle" or "putting Humpty Dumpty back together again". Hopefully it won't be like trying to breathe life back into a dead corpse!

My WAW & I were married for 13 mostly blissful years. She stayed at home & raised our two girls (now 8 & 12), I worked my butt off to provide an incredible life (7,000 sqft. house on acreage, trips around the globe, etc.). We were church going, our kids were straight A students. Two weeks after I accepted a voluntary 12 month severance package at work following a merger, I found out about her affair. She was 39 & was having a classic MLC, got caught, and wanted out of the marriage. She got an awesome lawyer, I got an idiot. She got over 70% of my $1.1MM and I still haven't found work over a year later.

So, despite what my family, friends, & pastors recommend, I still want to get back with my ex. She has bounced from man to man, enjoying her wealth & freedom. Her current BF has been with her about 7+ months and it looks very serious. Hard to call it a rebound exactly but she took NO time to sort through the past 13 years or get her head straight.

As for me, I am still struggling. I have always been a pillar of strength but the shock of her infidelity and the resulting aftermath has really crushed me.

I have made attempts at limited contact but haven't made it 7 weeks without breaking down & texting/ talking to her (we text now every couple of days). She absolutely wants me around as a friend (ppl tell me she NEEDS this because of her guilt) but no flirting, etc. She puts up a wall/ front to hide her emotions around me. She refuses to acknowledge her role in the break-up and doesn't dwell on the past or future as she prefers to live in the present only. She showed signs of narcissism throughout the marriage and afterwards. She is a former TV actress who is beautiful and I always put her on a pedestal.

The advice I have received has been fairly consistent: Get my career back, GAL, STOP all form of unneeded contact, and truly let her go. Even though she is likely to stay with Mr. Wonderful anyway, that is the only way to have even the slightest chance of her wondering what I'm up to and possibly pursuing me someday. And if I happened to get a little lucky and they break up or get married, then divorced (he's been married 3 times before and he has 3 children of his own), then possibly she could come back around. Sounds a little pathetic if I do say so myself.

The heart wants what the heart wants, right?

So, I'm hoping I can hear from ppl who are trying against the odds to get back with their exes and for advice from those who would guide us.

[Cadet]

Welcome to DB

The advice that you are getting is good.
Why do you continue to not follow it?

Do you know how long an MLC lasts?

What you want to do can happen, but it will not be on your time table.
If you want here back you must let her go.
Everything about MLC is counterintuitve.

There is lots of great information here on DB.

Find one of my welcome posts on the MLC forum and read it.

Knowledge is POWER.

[MrBond]

How do you know it's an MLC?

[Pmac21]

Hi Cadet! It's great to be off moderation. Great question. I have indeed recd great advice but, like you said, didn't fully take it. Although I might have severely hurt my chances of ever getting another shot by not fully implementing it yet, I am doing it now.

No more texting except for required stuff about our girls. I always figured she enjoyed my keeping in touch with her but recently she sent me a text after a disagreement where she replied, "now don't go getting weird by stopping communication with me again". Wow, I guess NC/LC really does have an affect.

Mr. Bond, My ex absolutely had/ is having a MLC. She was a bored stay-at-home housewife who was 39, almost 40 & wanted the excitement of sneaking around and feeling admired. She was a former actress who loved to be the center of attention & she is most definitely a narcissist. She went from guy to guy after the D and even had liposuction & hair removal (very unlike her). She is out of work but still spends money like crazy (I'm talking $5K/ mo).

[Pmac21]

Cadet, Oh, no I do not know how long MLC lasts. How long does it last?

[Pmac21]

Looks like I'm still in moderation. I read through many of the threads on the MLC boards like you suggested. I do feel that my ex is going thru a MLC. She may have been going through one for about a year before her affair. I had no idea they could last so long. Currently she is still displaying some of the same behaviors even though we have been divorced 11 months.

After reading through so many posts, I have realized that the only thing I can do now is let her go completely and move on. She definitely knows I still love her and I have to get better for my sake and for my girls. I have so many questions to ask but it's hard to be on moderation. Hopefully this will end soon.

[MrBond]

My ex absolutely had/ is having a MLC."

You don't know that for sure.

"She was a bored stay-at-home housewife who was 39, almost 40 & wanted the excitement of sneaking around and feeling admired. She was a former actress who loved to be the center of attention & she is most definitely a narcissist."

All of this is mindreading on your part. That's all YOUR opinion of her which isn't going to do any good in fixing the situation. All of it is purely judgemental on your part. You have to start seeing things from your W's point of view.

"She went from guy to guy after the D"

She is an adult and is free to do whatever she wants after the D.

"and even had liposuction & hair removal (very unlike her)."

Have you ever thought that alot of it is based on a woman's sense of self-worth? A woman's appearance is very much tied to how their self-esteem is. If she wasn't happy with how she looked, she has a right to change it. She might have even said something to you before but you blew it off.

"She is out of work but still spends money like crazy (I'm talking $5K/ mo)."

Again, her choice. You're D'd. She is an adult. Start understanding her POV and you'll understand how to get her back.

"Cadet, Oh, no I do not know how long MLC lasts. How long does it last?"

MLC isn't a "disease". It's a life change. We all go through it. We all go through midlife "transitions" where we adapt and change building on what happened in our lives before. It becomes a "crisis" when you scrap everything and start from scratch. They say that an MLC takes anywhere from a few months to 5+ years. HOWEVER, because it is a LIFE change, what the person in crisis does during that period is going to dictate how life turns out. It's not something that people necessarily "snap" out of.

There are basically 5 triggers that can set off an MLC. Age, death of a close person, change in job, empty nest, new child - basically whenever there is a life change.

[Cadet]

Mr Bond gave you the triggers.

Jim Conway writes about the four pillars of an MLC.
Body, Spouse, Job and God.

Mostly they will all be attacked during an MLC.

I like to advise the time as 2-7 years on average.

It could be shorter or longer.

You can not speed it up but you can slow it down.

Best advice is to get on with your life and if she comes back that is a bonus.

[Pmac21]

Thanks guys. It's all guesswork I suppose. She's never been officially diagnosed by anyone. The advice that I am getting pretty consistently is to focus on getting my life back on track, and allowing her to carry on as-is (I don't have any control over that anyway).

[Pmac21]

I'm realizing that it may take awhile in this forum for ppl to add their reconciliation after divorce stories due to the relatively light traffic here. I did several searches and found a small number of similar threads and I will be trying to add the links here.

MrBond, I wish I could understand my exes POV! I think I know her fairly well but why she decided to cheat instead of formally airing her issues About our R or seeking MC is beyond me.

My current sitch requires me to work on me & let her current relationship run its natural course. Hopefully I can enjoy the benefits of 180 & LC and with any luck, she may take a second look as her MLC goes through it's stages.