It's good to be here

[Mileus]

Thank you. I keep finding my self esteem falling and I have to remind myself that while there were problems in my relationship, I didn't deserve this and I am worthy of being loved. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm walking for an hour or two each day, usually 2-3 short walks, and I find that really clears my head.

Yesterday, she came down to see the kids. I was working on having my "good" day and was finally having a good time at school again. (The students are perceptive and I've had many ask over the last few weeks if I was OK. I lie and say that everything is fine, but I haven't been in as good a mood and they've noticed. Also, I took a few days off to be with the kids when she first left and I've had to miss for lawyers appointments. Still, it's good to know they care. 25 teenagers in a room can get crazy, so it's nice to know I've connected.) Anyway, I was nervous about her coming. I'm trying to LRT and I keep seeing her every two days. It's usually only for a few minutes, but it makes it hard to detach.

Luckily she wasn't home yet when I got off work, so I went out to meet some friends and let her visit the kids on her own. She texted while she was there because one son was asleep, my daughter was at the doctor, and my autistic son was having a grumpy day and just wanted to be alone (not because of her, he just has those sometime). I would have told her all that before she came if she'd given more than an hours notice. She asked if I could come home to go over the papers, so I did. Then after a few minutes, she didn't want to go over them anymore. I was quite perturbed that I drove home for that, but I said I understood and we could finish another time.

I tried to help her move a few things to her car, but she said she didn't feel good and wanted to leave. She said she wanted to still be friends, I said she could call anytime. She won't, he checks her phone. But, I'm trying to leave the road home paved. Anyway, I'm trying not to worry about things I can't control, though I really wish she'd sign the paperwork. It's something we should have done years ago, just in case. I would probably be able to get custody if anything did happen to her, but why take a chance. The visit wasn't so bad and I find I'm not apprehensive about her coming Friday, we'll see how I feel tomorrow. It's hard to be pleasant and friendly when I just want to put my arms around her and whisper, "Come home."

Today's Plan: Reread parts of DB book. Reread Sandi2's List. Walk a lot. Watch Psych from last night. Hang out with kids.

Have a great day everyone. And as always, thank you to everyone for your support.