Not confused anymore...just anxious and emotional

[BRNR]

Starting a new thread...here is the link to the last one...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2324008&page=8

So today, having a little of a rough day.

H has been sick since Monday, and I would love to be there with him to take care of him and make him grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. Nothing major, just flu/cold, but it has a hold on him bad. Most of the daily contact we have had, I have initiated mostly just text just to see if he was feeling better and that is it.

I really miss H today, really feeling like I want to work on us getting back together, but know that NOW is definitely not the time to focus on that.

I am on the East Coast and we are going through a storm they are calling the "East Beast"...and it looks just like I feel...miserable, dark, gloomy and dreadful.

[BRNR]

Seems like it is going to be another one of those days...

Missing H terribly, I just want to tell him that and that I love him so badly...

Going to try and keep busy today to take my mind off of him.

Everyone have a good day.

[BRNR]

Oh, forgot to mention awkward moment last night...

S9 was hugging H goodby and pulled me in for a group hug...I think he was trying to get H and I close...we did oblige, but very limited, like friends. Kid keeps breaking my heart.

[AJM]

Yes, BRNR, you do miss him. I'm glad you post here vs. saying something to him. And yes, your son is trying to pull you together. It's what he wants.

I wonder - are you the type to "fix" things where it concerns your H?

AJ

[Mtnman]

I completely understand your feelings BRNR. My W wasn't feeling well a week or so ago (not sure if she was honest) and it broke my heart not to be able to comfort her.

[BRNR]

Not sure that I was a fixer 100% of the time...maybe only when I was asked?

But yes, at this point, it is safe to say that I don't/didn't push too hard on the sitch of helping him while he was sick. But I will say he sent many text saying thank you for checking in on him and bringing him food the one night when I did, so I am going to take it at face value that my efforts were appreciated and not a deterent....

[BRNR]

Hah AJ-Put some more thought into your question.

I think I was a fixer, but I think so was he. I guess we can't have two Captians in a relationship now can we. I guess there is a learning lesson.

BUT, I dont think(?) I have tried to do that since he left.

So much positivity in my sitch, but I still feel low. I know...patience.

I wrote a letter via email to him, that I didn't send to H. I wish I could, but know better.

I have learned that this sitch has taught me how much I do love him, just wish it would teach him the same about me.

I told a freind that we have spent some alone time together and it was all good, but no OR talk or anything romantic. He seems to think that these "reaches" mean something and that if he didn't love me, he wouldn't ask or try to spend time with just me.

Part of me would like to believe this, but parts of me are scared there are other reasons, although I don't know what the reasons are. Anyone want to give there opinion, thoughts or advice on the matter?

[AJM]

Patience is a virtue?
His thoughts and feelings are valid, even if they are not what you want them to be.

You'll have to wait and see, BRNR. But if it helps, one thing that won't happen is that you'll allow the status quo for the rest of your life. There is a limit to how long that will go on, even if you haven't thought about it. But the limit is further than you'd like to have thought it was, as well.

In other words, don't worry about tomorrow. Let tomorrow worry about itself.

I wasn't asking because of two captains. I was asking if he viewed you, or you viewed you as the "fixer" in the relationship. Or the mother/father in the relationship. Just a curiosity question on my part.

Enjoy the good times, BRNR. Sounds like a lot of good things have been coming your way, and I'd hate to think you're too wrapped up in other things to celebrate.

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

AJ Good Morning! I am feeling up today. I am focused on what I want and was feeling down because it is not happening as fast as I like, but it is moving in that direction...So I will focus on the positive baby steps that have been occurring and let them keep me up along with keeping to my 180's which I am feeling really positive and happy about.

I finally finished DR book, and can clearly see things much better. And I know that I did wrong things during the marriage, and during BD, and had I handled things differently, my sitch may have been better than what it has become. But, I can't change the past, so moving forward.

On a positive note, (recognize the small things right), my H started resuming the "normal" text messages he would send now that he is feeling better. Also, yesterday, I had sent him two, one at lunch to see how his day was and then a follow up just asking if he was okay 3 hours later because I didn't hear from him.

After not getting a response, I just let it go...figured things changed in our sitch, but was determined not to let it bother me...but then a good thing happened...he called me and said he was in a meeting and that he saw my messages, but couldn't respond. He then told me about his day in depth, told me to be careful on the roads because of the weather, and said he would see "me" later. I really listened to his work sitch, and when he came to pick up our boys he talked some more about it. Again, I really listened. So, the take away...he actually called me (wasn't sure my phone worked when he called...LOL!...haven't received a phone call from him in forever), he talked, I listened, and it felt natural.

I have decided to follow his lead, and I think today I will call him and see how his day has been.

As far as the "fixer", no, I don't think he viewed me as this. On multiple occasions when things were bad, he told me that he felt neglected and not a priority in our marriage. The other thing that I believe was a "turn off" for him was that I frequently cut him off when he was talking (irregardless what he was talking about) and didn't allow him to express himself. I wasn't always like that, but somehow, I did become this person pre-BD. This is my major 180 that I have done, not only with him, but with every one. I feel good about it as it was very dis-respectful and I can see how someone would be hurt by it.

I also feel from my perspective that our marriage got to this point because we did not spend quality time with each other. It was always about other things, kids, work, house, etc...I think I want to attempt to ask him to go to lunch on Monday since I have a half day. He has asked me to the few lunches we have gone to in the past, so I think it is my turn. Again, no expectations. I know if he says no, that I will be fine either way.

[BRNR]

I decided against asking him to lunch....NO pressure. Figured if we are to continue, it should be what he wants...so I will await until he ask me.

What I did do though was send him an email just updating him on my health issues and dates of my follow up visits, since he was considerate enough to say he would help me through everything if needed. I haven't heard anything in response, but it was an email that was tailored not to solicit a response just very factual. First email I have sent him in regards to what is going on with me...hope it is received well.