Lost her love or MLC?

[Alias71]

Aarrghhh. Wife went out with the dog for a walk with a couple of neighbours. That was 4 hours ago. Still no sign of her. (Should've guessed something was up. She left far too happy and gave me a kiss.)

I feel so pathetic. I feel as if I should call or text her. The thing is is that she ALWAYS goes out on a Tuesday evening. In other words she'll be out in 4 hours until ??

I'm so poor at holding my temper but I suppose I'll have to. It's always about being calm. I really have to find a way to be like this! (I have to think of the children too. I have to sacrifice myself for them, at least for now, the poor things)

Just venting.

[Alias71]

So, she goes out at 11am. Gets back 5 hours later. Ignores myself and the children in the sitting room and goes straight to the kitchen to have food.
10 minutes later I go to the kitchen and she's fast asleep (due to alcohol) whilst still wearing her coat and shoes.

3 hours later she wakes up and within 30 minutes she's showered, dressed up and ready to go down the pub which she does. (She didn't acknowledge the kids at all. Only interested in what is written on her facebook account)

It just makes me feel so impotent. I just feel so used. Just the thought of dealing with this for a minimum of 2 years makes me cringe but if I don't look out for the children who does?

[Verum]

Alias, it is tough, if this is MLC then it is a long process from what I have learned.

I suggest a strategy for the immediate is to do 180's, give your wife space, don't ask her where she is going, etc. Get yourself on your feet as best you can. Then in a month or two, you might be in a better position to think through your situation and decide what you want to do. So in the immediate, give her space, maybe you can settle into cordial living arrangements that will give you breathing room.

This is what I did, and we went from constant bikering over small stuff to a mostly cordial if still unsatisfactory living arrangement.

[Alias71]

Thanks SA for your comments.

Some days I think that I can cope with anything and other days, like today, I feel as if I'm going to fall apart with grief. (Although, realistically, I know that neither are true) I suppose it's an advance on the coping an hour at a time from 6 months ago.

I just wish I could be consistently strong. I just find it so hard not to comment on things.

BD? Does that mean that you are divorced? If so it must be incredibly difficult for you.

[AnotherStander]

Alias, Sailing is right, you've got to detach from the roller coaster ride. Check out Sandi's DB tips thread at the top of the forum and live those tips!! Here are a few that I think apply to your sitch:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

[Alias71]

Wife received a call at 9.30pm as she slept. I could hear the other guys voice. (She received calls at about the same time on the same day the last 2 weeks so I guess it's when they're meeting)

She spoke to him for about half an hour but, surprisingly, she didn't go out unlike the last 2 times (Maybe she was phased by my being up. The other 2 occasions I was in bed.)

Anyhow I didn't react at all. I didn't confront her or anything. I just said goodnight and kissed her when she went to bed.

I feel proud of my actions (I'm quite the volatile type) and have to snigger a little at her pathetic goings on.

It's a minor victory (of sorts). I'm starting to formulate plans to move forward.

Another thing is my relationship with my children is going from strength to strength. They, on the other hand, hardly listen to my wife which I find both sad (because she is their mother and a fine mother she was too until recently) and justifiable (because she really doesn't have much interest in them at present).

Feeling incredibly positive at the moment. I just hope that it can continue (though I know that there will be blips I just hope that they aren't as long and deep as before).

Thanks to everyone for their support not only to me but to others too. This community is inspiring.

[Alias71]

This is such a struggle at times.

Wife has asked if she can out bowling with her friends later. She wasn't really asking for an answer and I didn't give her any. (I haven't a clue how to respond to it.)

For the first time in months and months the wife didn't go out at all over the weekend which I guess is a good sign (although she may have done on the Friday as I wrote in my last reply)

She also played with our son today and is doing some gardening. Perhaps a sign that she is coming back slowly? Perhaps. Probably not though.

Being upbeat is a lot easier than I expected but I do worry that she and I have virtually zero conversation and that with my distancing myself from her will lead to even less chat.

At the same time my attitude towards her for the last few days has made me happier (with the rest of my life) so I suppose I have to take consolation and remember that this is my me (and my children) and not, directly, for the wife.

I still haven't received DB (I think that I'll have to give it up as lost and buy another copy) but I did get a hypnosis CD for confidence. I must admit that I wasn't expecting too much from it but I do feel better about myself, on the whole, so maybe that has had some part in it too. Anyway I'll persevere with it and hope that it continues to make a difference. It only needs 30 or so minutes a day of peace and quiet though that can be hard to find sometimes with the kids around (especially as they're off on holiday.)

I was thinking about the success stories and the ones that have failed and wonder if there aren't so many success stories simply because this is a "sad" site. In other words when people get back to together with their partners then they may wish never to see the site again (let alone write in it) because it brings back too many painful memories and they wan't to leave them in the past. Just an idea and not a very original one either, I guess.

I'm scared of my marriage failing but I do have to remind myself that if I met my wife for the first today would I be interested in her? Probably not. I, along with most other people, am still hoping that at some point in the future my old wife will come back (or at least somebody closely resembling her) but, at the same time, recognizing the distinct possibility that this may never happen.

That's enough venting. Time to get back to trying to learn my wife's bloody first language!!!

[Alias71]

So, the wife has gone out "bowling". Thankfully the football was on so I was able to concentrate on that.

She left, looking wonderful, thanked me for looking after the children and kissed me. I told her in the cheeriest voice that I could muster for her to have a good time and then she rushed out.

She almost ran out of here and was looking left and right down the hill (I shouldn't have looked but we all have moments of weakness, don't we??!) as if she was meeting someone.

Aargghhhh. I have felt so much stronger in recent days but my heart is hurting and my head is a little tangled (and I'm a little tearful).

I think that she is actually bowling (and was probably searching for her mate who goes by the name of "vodka" which says a lot about him, I think.) but if she is out all night I'll try to sleep and when I encounter her in the morning I will say very little and nothing negative. It's all very alien to me but what comes naturally has done nothing in a positive sense in the last 6 months.

I have to learn to be a better person (better control of my temper would be a excellent start) and if that helps my marriage then great.

And, to add insult to injury, whilst I was away watching my wife's desperate left and right looks my team conceded a goal to level the match! Bummmer!! :-)

It's weird being in moderation. You write what you do and it doesn't appear instantly. It's almost like writing a diary and then BAM 2 days later it appears and it's slightly disconcerting (especially when you have a memory as bad as mine!)

Onwards and upwards. I had it far too easy for the first 18/19 years of my time with my wife. I suppose this is to test me and remind myself that I shouldn't rest on my laurels. (I just wish it didn't hurt so bloody much!! LOL)

[Alias71]

So my wife got back at 10 which allayed my fears.

My wife was unusually sweet to me for a very, short while which I am happy about, suspicious of and, in the end, I shrugged it off as a one off.

She talked about going to a cottage together (along with a group of her friends, of course) and having her Mum stay with the children. The thought of it doesn't really appeal (I prefer to be in small groups and, of course, we have the language barrier) but does anyone think I should accept as a sign that I'm trying to change. (I am worried that the guy she appears to be having an EA with will also come). I'm suspicious, however, as I have been down this road before (She said about going out together and then changed her mind at the last minute) although I am hoping that she has already seen a difference in me (is it possible so soon? I've only been doing a 180 for a few days.)

Physically I'm not feeling good (I've had a heavy cold for 2 weeks. Ridiculous!) but mentally I feel stronger than I have for such a long time.

Still waiting for DB to arrive. I'll have to get in touch with the firm again.

[Alias71]

I assume that I'm not the only one who feels fine and fully in control one minute and the next desperate and out of control?

Trying to hold it together. The thought of going back to England appeals today (although I wouldn't act on it yet) whilst yesterday it was the last thing on my mind.

I did something stupid and it's backfired massively. I snooped. Not much. Just to see what she was looking at on the internet but it jolted me. Lesson learnt. Whatever the temptation don't snoop. If you don't see anything then you don't feel better but if you do then you just feel a lot, lot worse.

Right, a few breathing exercises are needed to get my calmness back!!