I am not making any excuses for your h, but I know enough damaged people (like am I some sort of magnet?) to know that facing their issues and doing something about it doesn't happen because their life is no longer on track.
Their identity and mental stability is a fragile construct, and they fear the destruction of themselves in every way. Like everyone says, they have to hit bottom before they do anything, and some/many never get to that point. In fact I would go so far as to say that any MLCer who doesn't hit bottom and deal with their stuff has probably not resolved what is going on, and even if they stay in the marriage, nothing is truly resolved. I think when things have got to the stage of you and your h there probably has to be a divorce and total loss
I agree about being 'friendly' when we have adult children, for their sakes, if nothing else.
Funnily enough my xh has been saying for the last couple of years that he always wanted to be in touch.
Total rewrite of history and also even currently untrue. After our meeting I sent a friendly email a week later as a follow up, and have heard nothing back in nearly a month . . . . so much for the staying in touch myth!!
