A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[keep_going]

I am so overwhelmed by all the support from everyone. I cannot thank enough all the help I have received – without these boards and the friends I have made here, I don’t think I would have been where I am and learned as much as I have done. Accuray, BMom, 25, NG, Bug, L’infidele, Busting, 2Chiquitos – You guys are amazing. I have come back and re-read your posts all this past week to keep a PMA and it has helped me tremendously. THANK YOU, GUYS.

Journaling…

I have kept myself really busy lately (on purpose) and it has helped me regain my focus and get back to a place of more calm and acceptance. Just this past week I took the kids to a really cool museum exhibit on free museum day, our weekly frozen yogurt date, an afternoon at the park and spent another afternoon at the pool as a result of an unusual heat wave.

The days the kids were with H, I cleaned the house and then went out for dinner with a friend, spent Saturday with my BFF running errands, working out and cooking while we enjoyed some nice wine. On Sunday, I went on a great hike with some fantastic friends and felt truly re-invigorated and motivated to get back on track.

This is how I typically have been GALing the last few months, by focusing on the kids, my friends and family and keeping myself busy.

I have also been dealing with my kids’ issues, specially with D4. As I suspected, it looks like she is clinically depressed – all the signs are there and two professionals seem to agree. I have been reading to understand and find out how I can help her. I am also looking at getting her some counseling through our insurance since we are literally out of cash. (Thanks NG for all the really helpful advice – I feel less overwhelmed already.)

Part of the challenge with all of this is my H’s denial of the issues she is facing. According to him, she is not struggling any more than other kids her age and she behaves really well with him. She doesn’t act out as much with him, she is not rejecting him, like she sometimes does with me and she is not verbalizing with him certain things. For the first time this last week she twice told me that she wants daddy and mommy to be together. As much as it breaks my heart, I realize it is better that she can finally verbalize it clearly, rather than act out and regress to behaviors of a defiant 2-year old, like she has been doing lately.

I do hope that my new approach will make things better soon. It’s very hard to have to do this alone and not have a partner to share my worries with, to brainstorm ideas with and to compare notes with. After all, I am new to all of this. Yet I can’t dwell on it and I just need to make sure to do my very best to help my struggling child overcome her issues with the help I can get from counselors, books and family.

My D5 is seemingly doing better, yet I wonder if it’s just a façade; if she has just adopted the role of the good daughter who doesn’t cause any trouble to stay out of the spotlight. I am observing and hoping things are good, but I also realize both she and S1 are getting less of my time and attention lately because of D4’s struggles.

One of our big losses as a family when H left was the ability for me to spend quality time with each of the girls individually. So I am now using all the available free baby-sitting help I have access to, to make one-on-one time with each of them (I do get plenty of individual time with S1 while the girls are in preschool). They each need to feel extra special and unique and be re-assured that none of this is their fault.

Financially, things are still very hard and completely up in the air. H is still unemployed. He found a 6-week consulting gig that will bring in some cash, yet not enough to help cover everything. We are literally down to a three-month cash reserve for just the basic expenses, so I am not spending any money outside of essential living expenses. I get creative when it comes to activities with the kids, I don’t go out anymore and have put a moratorium on clothing, dentists and entertainment expenses. H and I have now had to put the school tuition on our credit card until end of this school year and might need to add other expenses to it very soon, if H doesn’t find a permanent gig soon. I try not to think about this too much because if I do, I get completely overwhelmed about it. H is also very stressed out about it, but doesn’t really share any of his worries with me.

I have also been busy the last few months applying for schools for D5 for next year. Our kids’ education has been something of great importance to both H and I, as well as both our families. Our first choice was always this one very prestigious (and expensive) private school. We had worked hard to save for it, but now all the money is gone. I still applied to it and have also applied for financial aid and have researched other resources for scholarships / grants or other school loans elsewhere. It’s a long shot since she is just starting elementary school, but I lose nothing by trying.

I also applied to our local Catholic School as a second choice and have spent a lot of time volunteering there this past year to make “brownie points” and make D5’s application more appealing. As a fallback (and most likely option) I have also enrolled her in the local public school, which is one of the best in the city we live.

As for the D process, H is still pushing for it, despite our lack of money. He is finally working on his financial disclosure docs, but I have not even looked at the forms. Not because I want to stall the process, but because I have not had time for it and my original retainer with my L is almost all gone as well. I had asked H to please put the D on hold until he finds a job, but he said no, so I will need to borrow money from someone in order to continue with it. I am not going to worry about that right now, though. I will focus on my disclosures when he is done with his, which could take a couple of days or a long time based on his past behavior.

As far as my family and their support, things have looked up lately. My dad has been reacting well to the chemo for his prostate cancer and he has only a few more months of treatment left. My sister, who lives in Europe, decided to come and spend some time here to both help my parents and me. She is amazing and has been an incredible help and addition to my kids’ life. I am truly grateful to have them close by.

So I will continue operating day by day, focusing on one thing at a time based on what is most important today – me and my kids. As far as my R with H, we seem to have moved past last week’s huge fight and are back to civil-mode for the time being and that is all I can handle right now.

Thanks again to everyone. Coming here and sharing always helps me find my focus and feel supported and cared for. I just realize I need to do it more often.