I think I've had some missteps this week. I was obsessed with relieving my guilt and sending H an email accepting my blame in the failure of my relationship. It was cathartic and cleansing and understanding and geared towards healing. I felt really good about it at the time - a lot of soul baring. I started out writing for him, but it ended up something I needed to do for me, acknowledging my anger in our relationship and how I understand that contributed to pushing him away. I asked him if he would consider going to see counselor with me again to try to work on our communication and resolve some wounds so our family could move forward in whatever form. Totally no pressure. A lot of praise for his dedication to (providing for) our family. Before last year, he truly was a wonderful dad. I tried to just remember the old qualities and praised those.
Then I pushed send. And I instantly regretted it! Felt like I was really pushing him for a decision, felt like I was going to push him to file for D. Total terror and panic attacks. WHY do I do this to myself?? I truly had a breakthrough in my soul and do not regret my words at all. But I am so worried it was the wrong strategic move to take.
He did reply with a text message within an hour of sending the email. H said "read your email. thanks. still processing it." I replied "thank you". Then he sent me a joke text, which he hasn't done for ages and ages. I answered & that was it.
So worry worry worry... then daughter had a concert tonight and I had sent an invite on Monday night as my coach said to do - short notice invites. I'm not really sure why short notice, to see if they'll go out of their way? Well, he said he was going.
Then the concert was in a different school than I thought, so I sent another text and he replies that he's late. On his way but about an hr away. The concert started in 20 min so I replied it's okay, I know he's working hard, it's a small concert & don't worry about it. He replied that he 'doesn't want to let D15 down. I'm really torn up about our relationship'. (FIRST HINT IN FOREVER that he has any emotions in there at all)
Then I was very surprised when he calls me right after sending that text. I told him (per DB coach, be understanding & supportive) that it's okay, D15 would understand. I ask if he's okay. And he starts crying on the phone! Says he wants to be a better dad, wants to be there for dds. Me, being supportive - girls know you love them, they love you, a lot of healing needs to take place but it can happen. He's really sad and says he's been working so much, 'someone needs to work & provide for girls to have every opportunity'. I said I understand, but his working so much hasn't really brought his or us happiness... I hinted at my offer to see counselor together again to try to heal our family, he was noncommital. I offered for him to call if he ever wants to talk about things. H said he made plans to see D17 on Friday and that he'd see me then. I replied that I have plans, may not see him. Which is actually true because I'm GALing & meeting a girlfriend for happy hour!
So at this point, he's showing emotion which is WAY out of his comfort zone. I almost didn't know how to respond, I have so little practice with his emotions! With our co-dependency history, it's really confusing to figure out where I'm taking charge of his relationship with his daughters again. But after all this time, it's pretty obvious he doesn't know which way to turn in healing with dds. And if we can be better communicators and heal some of our issues, it can only help daughters.
I don't know where this can take us but 2 significant things happened - I showed a very atypical amount of humility in my email (I have a very hard time admitting failure) and it was good for ME! I really felt like I've grown through admitting my faults. He responded to my emotional admissions by being emotional himself - and that's also atypical. He was crying and sad about R with dds, but maybe there was more there too. Maybe he is finally realizing things aren't so dandy and healing has happen.
