Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[25yearsmlc]

Rock, maybe those people were self centered and immature, and didn't know yet what they knew later. But the thing is, you can't wish them more mature or less self centered. Fact is that when they were in the marriage that failed, they probably weren't capable of saving it. That's sad. I don't think most failed marriages are people willfully choosing that option over other options that they can see.

Or, at least in the case of my husband, I don't think it's that he has low morals or a looser hold on the commitment of marriage, or is too lazy to work on the marriage. I don't think he's choosing an easy route.

FWIW, your h does not sound happy. He sounds miserable.


I think he really believes love can just go away, and attraction can just be forever gone, even if he didn't believe that before he believes it now because he feels it and is living it. I think if this was an easy out for him he wouldn't have spent the last two years hiding in bed all day long. I have total faith and can clearly see how we could get back to each other...but he does not and cannot. That's sad.

Yes it is.


I've really lost my outrage. I don't know anymore what I thought I knew. I really am still mad at him and at the way he handled this, but it's about as useless as being mad at him for being a quadriplegic. Something in him broke and neither of us can fix it. Blaming him and judging him really doesn't do me any good, make me feel any better, or bring us any closer, doesn't help my kids, doesn't garner me any helpful support, it's just pointless.


Pointless...and harmful. To you, to your sons, and maybe even to him. You're onto something.

I'm not perfect, and I still do blame and judge, but I got knocked off my pedestal here a long time ago and it doesn't make me feel good to think less of him.

Well said.

In case I wasn't clear in summarizing the TOME I wrote you, let me sum it up.

RE the pot.

Your son cannot smoke now & in the near future, b/c

1) IF he gets caught, it will affect HIS IMMEDIATE future in a big fat way

2) YOU could suffer consequences as well, legally & financially. Losing him to a boarding school (or your h), will also hurt your s12 and would be VERY UNFUN for s15.

3) Lacrosse...College...all gone, for that?

4) the very real dangers of being with under the influenced drivers. Aside from his own life, how would he feel being part of an accident that killed another person? How does one cope with that on their shoulders?

5) Besides, pot will still be around in a few years. He can party later on his own terms.

But taking him to a substance abuse clinic, unless he's high every day, seems like you might be getting him to a point where he thinks you're "going reefer madness" on him. You risk losing credibility and right now you two seem to have a good enough r that he'd feel remorse for harming you. Is that true?

6) the LYING to you, is totally unacceptable. For me, that hurts the most & that'd be where the most significant consequences would come. If the lie also relates to pot, so he's also breaking a promise, that's a double whammy.

When your h goes off on his rants, the thing that bothers me the most is how much lying HE does. Still...and yet gets this zero tolerance badge on his chest that HE sees as some testament to his honor...but it's the opposite. I think your son sees thru him. And it hurts.

You wrote:

"I want to talk to S15 and try to figure out how I can connect with him in a way that's meaningful to get him to choose for himself things that are not illegal, dangerous, and liable to close doors in his life. H says the ONLY way to do this is to come down hard with the voice of authority and demand respect, nothing but total respect, in keeping the house neat and all other ways. And if that doesn't work, boarding school."

What you say, makes total sense to me. What HE says, does not. I see his role in your son's need to escape. But I guess if your h is, just NOT self aware, he can't see this. Has your h ever gotten something positive out of counselling?

Wish I had more helpful things for you...

Hang in there Ad...this too, shall pass.