Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[25yearsmlc]

I think there are situations where a marriage should be ended. I just don't believe most failed marriages are actually in those situations. I don't believe mine is. Isn't that the whole point of DB?

Though I can't speak for yours, (ultimately only you and your w can/will) I do agree that most marriages should not just end but that yes, some should. I think MWD posits two thoughts on this.

First, she outright says in Div Remedy that "Some marriages will end" no matter what the LBSer does. And that's clearly true. Sometimes a WAS really is DONE.

And the other times are when we'd probably all agree, it's over. Violence, insanity untreated, etc. No real debate here.

Our perceptions are so clouded. My W has a mother and 2 aunts who have been divorced. I have asked them, and they all say that in their situation, divorce was the best option. I don't believe that.

Well obviously they know things you/we cannot know about their m's. But it's a surprising thing they say. I read that 3/4 of divorced people, 5 years later, regret their divorce AND OR believe they could have worked things out if they'd had certain tools, tried harder, etc...

so I'm surprised they both still say their divorces were right. Maybe they just don't want to be "wrong" to have divorced...were they the ones who filed??

In each of their stories, I see self-centered people who didn't give their marriage a priority. People who were spiritually lost and had immature perceptions of what it means to be happy, or to love. These people later found happiness, not because they changed partners, but because these perceptions matured.

Just so I'm clear, you mean the aunts (or others who divorced and should not have), later are happier b/c THEY changed, not b/c they divorced? I mean, I can see that. But I can see either, and it's also very hard to prove...

There's a book I saw but didn't read. The TITLE of it hit me. The title is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". I imagine many LBSers are pretty much thinking along those lines and wondering which it is...

There is an underlying truth to these situations. Was living with you truly bad enough to justify thinking "he would die in our relationship". Did he honestly try "Everything he could". Did he really have "No other choice", but to have an affair. You no that the TRUTH is "NO". This isn't just your "View", it is reality.

My thinking is going the other way. I am beginning to see things more "Black and White".

Mature people base a marriage on unconditional love.

I don't mean to quibble with this sentiment.^^^. But I'm not sure what it means. People use it differently.

There are some around that mistreat their spouses and then claim outrage that the spouse wants out. They themselves have no intention of significantly changing or improving how they treat their spouse but they insist on staying together "no matter what" and for some of them, it's a carte blanche on mistreating their spouse. Not beating them, but neglecting and treating with contempt, etc.

I'm sincerely curious about this for reasons related to another poster. I have to ask, what is unconditional love, in the face of cruel or indifferent behavior from your spouse, over several years? Absent actual physical abuse, isn't it really a case of knowing when it really is too bad to stay?

Don't get me wrong. Clearly people divorce too easily. And I meet people getting divorced who are not on this site, and treat their divorce as if a terrible thing happened to their car...fortunately, their insurance will eventually get them suitable transportation and meanwhile...inconveniences abound...but NOT heartbreak.

I'm confused and baffled by those people. Did they not truly love each other at one point, or is this their coping mechanism OR did they stop caring and let apathy take over? When I hear "we grew apart" and there's no OP, I have to wonder...in those cases NO it's not too bad to stay.

They simply have no motivation OR mechanism for change and growth, I think.


They take the time to nurture the relationship. They are honest and dependable. They learn how to communicate and resolve problems. But, mostly, they are committed to making the marriage work and demonstrate that commitment by not giving up when things get tough. I know that in my marriage, neither my wife or I truly understood these things. Maybe it takes a failed marriage to learn these things. Maybe some people never do.

I hear what you are saying. But the irony is that 2nd marriages have less chance of success than first ones...so I'm not sure who is learning what.

But I'm glad you're trying.