Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[adinva]

Rock, maybe those people were self centered and immature, and didn't know yet what they knew later. But the thing is, you can't wish them more mature or less self centered. Fact is that when they were in the marriage that failed, they probably weren't capable of saving it. That's sad. I don't think most failed marriages are people willfully choosing that option over other options that they can see.

Or, at least in the case of my husband, I don't think it's that he has low morals or a looser hold on the commitment of marriage, or is too lazy to work on the marriage. I don't think he's choosing an easy route. I think he really believes love can just go away, and attraction can just be forever gone, even if he didn't believe that before he believes it now because he feels it and is living it. I think if this was an easy out for him he wouldn't have spent the last two years hiding in bed all day long. I have total faith and can clearly see how we could get back to each other...but he does not and cannot. That's sad.

I've really lost my outrage. I don't know anymore what I thought I knew. I really am still mad at him and at the way he handled this, but it's about as useless as being mad at him for being a quadriplegic. Something in him broke and neither of us can fix it. Blaming him and judging him really doesn't do me any good, make me feel any better, or bring us any closer, doesn't help my kids, doesn't garner me any helpful support, it's just pointless.

I'm not perfect, and I still do blame and judge, but I got knocked off my pedestal here a long time ago and it doesn't make me feel good to think less of him.