Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[25yearsmlc]

Adinva,

WRT to the sex shopping, OUCH!!! I feel for you. Doesn't completely matter that you thought the marriage was probably over, you were still in it, fighting for it. He's not. And That hurts.

I think ONE piece of it makes me believe you have a bit of leverage, though I hate putting it that way. My point is, your h is rigid in his belief systems and his "zero tolerance" to many things HE did not partake of. But he's also a hypocrite b/c you are still legally married and if I recall correctly, he never told you he was going to date b/c he does not feel married. Or did I mis read that?

I think kids pick up on our hypocrisies, btw. Makes them have less respect for us or our beliefs and I have to wonder about your s15 and his views of his dad...just Food for thought...

Thanks Acc, you know me, why say a line when I can write a book?

Not enough time went by for all that you think I went through though. I was going through the statements on my computer, saw it, posted it here within seconds, waited for the replies I knew would encourage and help me to put it in perspective and let it go, and here we are. So I was really interested in figuring out why anyone thought it would be a good idea to ask H about it.

Only as it relates to the hypocrisy...and your son. And maybe if your h cares at all about how they view HIM, he might see that this isn't the behavior of a man who is a good upright guy. He spent more on some OW than he did on his 2 sons. NOT COOL, NOT MORAL...so much for his zero tolerance. Guess that increases for HIS behaviors...hence the charge of hypocrisy.

The main difference between us is that your w is still in the marriage and my h is not. So suspicions and misinterpretations and extended angst are really not appropriate to my sitch. The umbrella under which all the details fall is Fact #1: He does not want to be with me. If he claimed to, and appeared to be still in the marriage, and I found something like that it would have to be cleared up and discussed.

I think you give me too much credit for being a chess player. In my relationships I might have felt a little bit of hurt before smothering it in rationalizations, whats-the-points, and I'm-happy-anyways.

My needs and feelings always came dead last if anywhere on the scale at all.

two thoughts/emotions leap to my mind when I read this^^....first, I'm so sad. Second, I'm so hopeful for your future. Interesting contrasting emotions.


So identifying a feeling, giving it words and measuring it, and figuring out the best way to deal with it, is a very important new skill I'm trying to exercise here. I know you guys don't want me to feel any pain at all and to skip right past it, but actually that's not good for me to do.


Check out my thread later...about "Carol" a woman who has taught me a lot about life and pain. You're right. You cannot skip past the pain. You have to get through it, and process it. Just don't wallow and I don't see you doing that.

With my SIL, I felt pain and disappointment, prepared to write her off as I would have done, re-evaluated, realized I could be active instead of passive, took action and was pleased with the result on several levels. The primary pleasure I get from it is the realization that I'm not a bit player in my relationships, I can decide to make something of them. Everything is not just done TO me.

the deeper and more meaningful your connections with others, the better and richer your life will be. You're on the right road.

With my H's naughty charge, I felt pain and anger, considered the extent and scope of it, and the relative merits of doing anything about it, and opted to forget about it. But skipping to forget about it is what I used to do. This is better, for me.

VAL: I want to teach it because I believe it. I don't act as if anymore. But I do want a loving relationship with a real person who I can share my life with, so when the divorce is final I'll pick up my cards and move on. Each person has to decide what's right and what they believe given their own unique sitch.

I can't wait for that to happen!!

My beliefs have changed since this started, and probably will continue to evolve. There's a lot less black and white than I used to think.

Boy is this^^ wisdom!! Yes, life's not nearly as black and white as I once thought/hoped it was.

I was wrong to be so rigig. I'm HAPPIER with a little gray. It complicates things at first, but it gives me some room for flexibililty and growth.

Re your son's pot use. My views would be controversial to some here. I have a legal opinion, a mother's view, a former partier's attitude, and a wife in a marriage in which my h does not totally share my views.

However, neither h nor I believe the act of smoking pot is wrong, except that it is illegal. Like going thru a red light at 2 am when no one is there...no cars, plenty of visibility...and you go through it. You can still get a ticket....it's still illegal. But is it "immoral"?

As a lawyer, I think the drug laws are mostly insane. I've seen young people who share a joint and are charged with "distribution" so you need to tell your son that.

OTOH, I see people doing an essential amoral act (ie smoking the leaf of a plant) that are called criminals and housed with burglars and rapists and killers...the Drug War is an abysmal failure and it does harm.

As for pot use "causing" heroin use, I reject that. To quote the late William F Buckley, (the conservative intellectual who was the editor of the National Review & OPPOSED the laws against marijuana use),

"saying that smoking pot causes heroin use b/c most heroin addicts smoked pot before, is like saying that masturbation causes rape, b/c most rapists have masturbated."

Sorry for the graphic quote but I think he makes a good point.

Yes I smoked pot in high school. My father was a raging alcoholic in a high government job. He was one person in the day but another person at night.
(My father died from liver cancer, related to alcohol abuse).

I smoked then to escape a chaotic home life, and it helped. I played varsity sports (no drug tests back then. It probably would have affected my choices about pot but I can't say for sure).

I was president of my class too. So, not exactly a "stoner".

My s26 and I spoke of pot last night and man did I get an earful.
I mentioned some of your sitch to him. The first thing he said was "adults and DARE, LIED to us about pot, among other things they lied about."

(That made me think of your son learning of your h's new friend...)

S26 said that your son, b/c of your h, "just can't smoke pot in that house...period." S said [b]he'd worry that your h might try to force your son away OR try to get custody and if it were him, though he'd "hate that dad", he'd stop smoking if it meant no problems for his mom and custody...but not b/c he thinks it's wrong. And not permanently"

S26 did smoke in high school but then,(not in our house) and they also did not drug test. So no penalty would occur about sports. At the time I told him "you know I smoked in high school/college. But today, I have a law license and your dad has a medical license and we cannot have it in our home...not b/c it's morally wrong but b/c it's not legal and the laws are harsh on this. Right or wrong, that's how it is." S26 said then and now that he understood this and that it was a "necessary rule" and that he lived by it. I believe him.

Son won the state wrestling championship, twice. Also won "best actor" award in the school district. Also got perfect SATs. So although he smoked in high school, he still excelled. Got into a great university and graduated with honors.

So my question is how is YOUR son doing in school? Is pot affecting him? IF so, how? Like you, I worry about losing ambition but cannot say it has come to be an issue in our family.

And can you see why your son might want to escape any part of his life?

My d23 also smoked some in high school, but more so in college. She too graduated with honors from a good college. She never did harder drugs and btw, neither did I.)

I'm one of 9 kids. 8 of us tried pot, or smoked it somewhat often to very often. (Only one of us smoke it as an adult, but it's a rarity and no, it's not me).

We each put ourselves through college w/o help from my father. 4 of us are lawyers, 3 are nurses, 1 is a teacher and the other is a diplomat. Smoking pot did not ruin our lives.

I think your h's "zero tolerance" policy, along with his adulterous behavior MIGHT be something your son suspects. I know at that age, my dad's hypocrisy drove me nuts. It infuriated me.

But as I said to my kids when they were in high school, "you can't get caught w/it b/c you'll get arrested and that will limit your options, at least in the short run. You can't drive with it or be in the car with others who are high or drunk, b/c it's not safe OR morally okay OR legal...and you can't do it in our home." To my knowledge, they followed those rules.

You cannot control what your son does outside the home. But I think losing his Lacrosse playing time is something that might affect him.

Please do NOT increase the risk to yourself by calling the other parents about your home being the place for using drugs. If you don't want them over again, tell your son that.

Is your son a ringleader or the dealer?

If not, why would you invite that legal vulnerability onto you now? And it does risk your custody arrangements.

If you feel the need, then share your concerns with the parents you can reach. (You'll be sorely disappointed in the "quality" of some of those parents. THEY may be smoking too...or doing crack.

They may simply not care what their kids are doing. I keep learning that about parents...so many of our children's friends have NO father in their lives. Many kids are depressed and many marriages are falling apart.)

I don't want to turn this into a polemic about the virtues or sins of marijuana. You're in a very tough spot and your h's position is NOT helping you. Sure, he can look like the nutty one, but then he has leverage....

I think your point about how your s12 thought patterns are as they are, and how your older son has a CHOICE, was wise. My mom has dementia and I have asked my kids if they want to sound like her, at their young age.

They said "NO!" But if I push that argument too far, they tune it out b/c it smacks of "reefer madness arguments" and when s26 says that "adults lied about pot" he has a point.

WE did not lie about it. But we let others lie about it. I recall a DARE counselor going to our then 7 y/o daughters Easter Egg hunt...ponder that!!...

and he asked the kids if their "parents smoked cigarettes or drank beer or wine BECAUSE THOSE ARE DRUGS TOO."

I couldn't believe it. THANKS for lumping my glass of wine with LSD and meth...how's a 7 y/o supposed to distinguish between those?

So our kids feel we have little credibility when we talk like that. And I don't want to lose that credibility b/c I think it increases their desire to discover for themselves...

if nothing else, be honest with him about all the dimensions of his choices now. The sports, the social issues, the 'stoner loss of ambition you rightly fear, (My high school boyfriend smoked pot every day...failed out of college. I met h and dropped the stoner. LATER the stoner turned his life around and joined the Air Force but if we'd kept dating maybe he would keep on smoking)

ButI DO think your h could use it against him/you,

and that's when his spending on OW might come up as an irrelevant BUT useful retort. "How dare YOU!" seems appropriate...

Good luck.






For ME, it got me through a hard teenage time when my father was both hypocritical and violent.







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