Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[adinva]

Rock, it's a little easier to stand for your marriage when you thought it was pretty good and got left.

I was as shocked as you when my H dropped the bomb. He was the most loyal friend I ever saw, the most dedicated son, I thought family was #1 to him. He had a strict code of honor. He prided himself on being a good guy. He was a practical guy, never flighty, supremely confident, strong, straight and true.

I think he thinks he did everything he could. From my view I don't know what he really tried. I saw that he tried to stuff his feelings, never said a word until it burst out as snark and nitpicking, just stopped talking at all, and started staying in bed all the time. He even went to counseling, claiming it wouldn't work - surprise it didn't work. I believe that my H believes he had NO OTHER CHOICE because he was so desperately unhappy. As demonized as he made me, I'm sure that the girl from band nights was a refreshing change, someone who understood him like I didn't, appreciated him like I wouldn't, who dressed up to go out and made herself look pretty for him while I was home stressed out with babies. I'm sure anyone who appreciated the things he could do, was a breath of fresh air to him. I think he thought he would die in our relationship and he had to get out to survive. Or something that extreme. Because if you asked him before, he would have told you his views about marriage were that it's forever, you work at it, it's not all supposed to be rosy and rainbows, the people who don't make it work were just unrealistic and not committed enough. You would not recognize that guy now.

Someone close to me left her family thinking she might harm them if she stayed, or herself, she was so unhappy. My college roommate left a "perfectly good husband" because she felt being with him was the cause of her severe depression and she couldn't see a way she could stay with him and survive. A friend who married young left her H in the first year because she felt she'd made a terrible mistake; she remarried later and had kids and is much happier. People's convictions have a way of changing when they feel like they're actually going to die. Nothing is as black and white to me as I used to think.