Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[adinva]

Thanks Acc, you know me, why say a line when I can write a book?

Not enough time went by for all that you think I went through though. I was going through the statements on my computer, saw it, posted it here within seconds, waited for the replies I knew would encourage and help me to put it in perspective and let it go, and here we are. So I was really interested in figuring out why anyone thought it would be a good idea to ask H about it.

The main difference between us is that your w is still in the marriage and my h is not. So suspicions and misinterpretations and extended angst are really not appropriate to my sitch. The umbrella under which all the details fall is Fact #1: He does not want to be with me. If he claimed to, and appeared to be still in the marriage, and I found something like that it would have to be cleared up and discussed.

I think you give me too much credit for being a chess player. In my relationships I might have felt a little bit of hurt before smothering it in rationalizations, whats-the-points, and I'm-happy-anyways. My needs and feelings always came dead last if anywhere on the scale at all. So identifying a feeling, giving it words and measuring it, and figuring out the best way to deal with it, is a very important new skill I'm trying to exercise here. I know you guys don't want me to feel any pain at all and to skip right past it, but actually that's not good for me to do.

With my SIL, I felt pain and disappointment, prepared to write her off as I would have done, re-evaluated, realized I could be active instead of passive, took action and was pleased with the result on several levels. The primary pleasure I get from it is the realization that I'm not a bit player in my relationships, I can decide to make something of them. Everything is not just done TO me.

With my H's naughty charge, I felt pain and anger, considered the extent and scope of it, and the relative merits of doing anything about it, and opted to forget about it. But skipping to forget about it is what I used to do. This is better, for me.

VAL: I want to teach it because I believe it. I don't act as if anymore. But I do want a loving relationship with a real person who I can share my life with, so when the divorce is final I'll pick up my cards and move on. Each person has to decide what's right and what they believe given their own unique sitch.

My beliefs have changed since this started, and probably will continue to evolve. There's a lot less black and white than I used to think.