Treading water

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for checking in labug and PON.

I appreciate your straight forward responses. I have backed off of the pursuit compared to several months ago but I do need to continue to back off more. This is hard. Nobody said it would be easy. The weekends seem to be when I backslide some. Probably because I am around her more. Maybe I need to start getting out of the house even more on the weekends.

For my self growth: reading (I have never been a reader except for the sports page), trying to change my passive aggressive tendencies and spending more time with "just the guys". I have always been very involved with my kids and I will continue to be. Except now there are 3 of us instead of 4 that do things together.


Good to hear that you are reading more. A whole world out there to put in our heads, instead of mind reading...and it's a 180 too!

I think I am the next great fortune teller. I may even head to Vegas to cash in on this. Actually, I try to read her mind all of the time and it is awful. I have to stop doing this before I go totally insane.

Good observation. REMEMBER IT and change that behavior. It's NOT helping.



I love your statement about " start doing things and don't worry about W reaction."
I definitely think about her reaction prior to doing just about anything. I know, over analyzing.

This^^ is no way to live and it's not attractive. Even if you guessed correctly 100% of the time, it would not be appealing b/c she'd know you were not being authentic.

If you examine your heart thoroughly and KNOW that your pending action is authentic, not manipulative, not trying to control outcome, then do it & be at peace. Hold your head high and be alright.


Both of you eluded to, do what is right and don't worry about what she thinks. That is a very good point.

Yes they alluded to that, but my guess is that you don't always know what's right. There's a fine, shifting line between setting a healthy boundary for our own protection AND letting a wounded ego speak for us.

So, all you can do is look in your heart and see if the comment or act is coming from a place of love and llight...or a desire to "show her a consequence" or "teach her a lesson" b/c those are the excuses we use to tell ourselves that a puntive act that comes from anger, is justified. You sound as if you are increasingly self aware.

At some point you'll have to trust yourself...

Thanks again for all of your insight and support.

One more question. I know I need to stop pursuing. But if I initiate ML, she usually will. I think that this helps keep some sort of connection which is a good thing but it is definitely pursuing. Any thoughts?

Just repeating some of what MY DB coach said to me when I asked this question....

1) it's an intensely personal and private marital issue. Do not let anyone, including me, tell you what to do on this...

2) How do you feel about ML and or yourself, afterwards? If you feel more connected or closer in any way, even if only temporary, that has value. If you feel used or degraded in anyway, that's a whole other type of experience. And it might not be healthy for you.

3) IN a marriage, which you are still, sex cannot be a weapon. You can't withhold it or deny it or do a passive aggressive thing with it as if it's not an essential dimension to the marriage.

My question is why would you NOT want to ML? B/C it's pursuit?

How has she said "no thanks" in the past, and how did you respond then?

B/C if your typical response was furious silence or it lead to a fight, then she may feel compelled to say yes to avoid conflict.

But if you typically handled a "no thanks" in a calmer more mature way, then why not let her decide? Why do you assume that she will say yes when she means "no"?

SIDENOTE=sex is the ONE thing we can only do with our spouses, (and keep our vows.) When one partner denies it to the other, over time, it divides the couple.

Personally, I'm always amazed by the SSMs who have denying spouse who is "shocked" by a WAS who wants out of the marriage OR who has an affair.

They'll mention in passing that they "had not had sex for a year" and you ask them what they thought was going to happen if no sex ever occurred...and their answer is usually "NOT an affair!"

In my opinion and it's only that and I do NOT know your family --but in general, I don't think any man or woman ever goes home to the great sex they never had.

Good luck Grrr....seriously. Keep at this.

So you know, In 2006 I gave our m a "10% chance of success" but here I am...still here. Last weekend H and I went hiking with some DBers...all women and my h. He had a good time and so did they.

It made me happy. I'd NEVER have predicted the activity last weekend, those 6 years ago.