Last resort time

[too trusting]

hi MJ, let's put together a few things you have written on this thread...

my wife has been having a PA for a year and a half now... I know now that I can't let her live a double life anymore though.

you are not "letting" her do anything. she is doing it all by herself. you need to realize that you cannot control her or change her behavior, you can only control and change your own behavior.

She's told me about the affair and said it was none of my concern and if it wasn't this guy it would be another because she can't see herself with me anymore.

what things was she dissatisfied with in your marriage? are there things that you can change ABOUT YOURSELF to make her feel that you are a better choice, and she would not have to search for an OM to provide them? (especially when she points out that it is not this specific OM, but if it were not this one it would be another one.)

in my heart reconcilliation is what I want more than anything... we finally had a talk last night. She was upset about everything

what things was she upset about? maybe there is a clue there about what 180s you can do to show that you are the better choice.

Basically she said she doesn't know what she's doing anymore, and if she could afford it she'd move out... I told her that I was no longer interested in living with a woman who would not behave like a married woman. If she wasn't interested in doing so then I wanted her out.

so how is it going to help you reconcile if you throw her out of her home? (and it *is* her home as well as yours.) she has already said that she wishes she could leave but can't afford it. therefore, how will it convince her to reconcile if you throw her out? it could very likely have the opposite effect, i.e. to convince her that she will never want to reconcile with someone who threw her out of the only home she has. while I agree that she should not be having an affair, your behavior sounds terribly vengeful to me.

I was very calm, and she then went through every emotional reaction you could think of

sure you can be calm, you are not being thrown out of your home. I realize her behavior is deplorable, but why does she feel that she "can't see herself with [you] anymore" and "if it wasn't this guy it would be another"?

ending in, "fine I won't see OM anymore and we can live together in misery forever."

is that the type of "reconciliation" you want? what can you change ABOUT YOURSELF to make YOU the better choice, so that reconciliation won't be "misery" but "happily ever after"?

I'm just tired of being the plan B, safety net, etc. Not trying to be mean I'm just stating I'm not up for ths anymore.

ok, but that doesn't mean you need to throw her out, especially when she has nowhere else to go. there are lots of other things you can do, including 180s, GAL ("get a life"), etc. the specific things that YOU need to change (about yourself), depend on what she was dissatisfied with before.

also, have you read "Divorce Remedy"? even if you have, read it again, take notes, and see what you need to do.