I remembered a couple of things I meant to post and forgot about. One is just something I might not normally mention, but it reminded me so much of the "castle" analogy that I thought I would talk about it a bit. For those not familiar with the castle analogy, here is Tumbling's version of it:
Quote:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. The drawbridge is up and there's a moat all the way around the exterior. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat. You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
So it's a small thing, but I had the kids (plus D18 was visiting from college) and it was a Saturday and W came by to drop something off but she brought her work laptop with her. To my surprise she just sat down in the front room next to S9 and started working while he was watching TV. I was in the living room with D18 and we were cracking up laughing and talking and just having a lot of fun together. W stayed for hours, so long that I eventually asked her if she wanted to go eat with us which she did. It wasn't until a couple of days later that it struck me how much like the castle analogy it was, she seemingly came out of the castle for a while to see what was going on at the picnic.
Another thing I wanted to mention- I was driving with S9 on a Monday after we had swapped kids (we do that on Sundays) and he was telling me about the things he had forgotten at W's house. About an hour before that D16 had also rattled off a list of things she had forgotten over there. After listening to S9 I mumbled to myself "sure would be easier if we lived under one roof" and S9 said "don't say that dad, I don't like to think about how mommy doesn't love you anymore." Ouch. I've got to remind myself that A) I really need to watch what I say even if I think it's to myself and B) the sitch is still affecting the kids emotionally.
Tallula- I really thought my IC was nuts when she started talking about "new normal", but it became my mantra after a few months. It went from a scary thing to being something that gave me hope for a new stability in life.
Hadrianus- thank you, I will keep that in mind! It's now been 6 days without A/D's and I've had no emotional problems at all, and in fact I feel fantastic! So I'm hopeful that my gradual tapering over many months did the trick
