Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[keep_going]

Ad, I so relate with so many of your feelings right now.

My husband said yet again, just a week ago: "We are not married. Our marriage ended when I left. I broke up with you. You are delusional if you think we are still married. It's just a piece of paper." He was done the moment he walked out the door and in his mind, we were over. (The ironic part is that the very next day he sent me our tax return docs and asked me to "please sign on the line that says 'spouse" - lol...)

So no, it's not dead and we have to deal with some very practical aspects of it everyday.

Like most who come to this site, to me it's not just a piece of paper, even after over 2 years of separation and even when my H has never shown any signs of doubt or wavering. Yes, it's not the marriage we had and it's not what I want either, but I reserve the right to not give up on it until we finalize the D and even then, I might not give up on the R either.

Ad, like you, I want to teach my children that marriage is not just a R that you can just end when you feel like giving up or "breaking up" like my H said. I want them to understand how it's different from just having a boyfriend or girlfriend... You respect the vows you made. It was a sacred promise based on our religion and our value system and that has to be important if I am raising my kids with those values as well. To me, you finish what you started and then you move on. I want my children to know that if they are not willing or don't believe in keeping their promises and their word in a M, then it's better to remain single and date all your life.

From a very practical POV, it's also a legal contract we signed and that we need to honor if we want to be people of their word, people who are honorable and well - if we want to act according to the law. Otherwise, why make promises or commitments of any kind, with anyone? Why sign any document or contract?

I understand now that my H doesn't see M the same way I do, but exactly how AS broke it down. I always thought we saw M the same way, but realize now that we never really talked about it. It was just an assumption from my end and clearly a wrong one. I learned the hard way when my H started dating just 4 weeks after he walked out of our then 18-year relationship. Yes, that hurts.

Re. asking about the sex-shop charge... I did that. Doesn't do any good. Like you, we still don't have a finished financial agreement, so personal vs. family monies are still not clearly defined. Yes, I am upset that he spends what I view as our kids' money on OW - it really, really hurts, (specially when he has been unemployed for 6 months and we are currently operating with only a 3-month cash reserve), but his response is that it's none of my business, that I have no right to ask or snoop and that he can spend his money however he wants. I suspect your H might respond similarly, like you listed in your scenarios above.

It's out of my control and the only thing I can do, is accelerate finalizing the separation of assets and money so he doesn't spend what would be for our kids on OW.

Ad, you are so right - this all hurts, we are human and we need to learn to deal with those hurts in a healthy way and not act out on them or stuff them in like we used to do. I don't need to tell you any of that - you get all that. As always, you are doing an amazing job of digging deep and being honest about your intentions and feelings and acting according to what you see as right.

I just want to send you a big hug because I know this all hurts - deeply.
Yes, this is hard...
(((((Ad))))))