Thanks

[PatientMan]

I assume you're talking about her conversations with OM? Are the two of you still living together?

Separated for 11 months. But after the 2nd BD last May I explicitly stated that it wasn't "okay" to be pursuing another man while she is M to me. That isn't fair or right or moral to any of the parties involved.

Of course, this entire time she has not made any promises as to her behavior or actions - intentionally, I think - for a couple of potential reasons:

1) She hasn't really "known" what she is going to do.
2) Not telling me what behavior I can count on from her alleviates her responsibility to her behavior which always creates the fallback rebuttal of "I never said I would or wouldn't."

This HAS created a "cake-eating" environment for her as she figures things out. She seems to bounce around from one extreme to another (based on her actions) depending on the day, which also seems like typical WAW behavior, so I understand the angle of NOT bringing this up, just acting "as if", and continuing to be someone only a fool would leave.

Just because I "understand" that, though, doesn't mean it's the best response, which is what I am struggling with. Also, not having any sort of "I will do this and not do that until this" type of statements by her...nothing that she can be held accountable for, has increased the stress and anxiety for me throughout the process...something I realize makes things more difficult, but have been willing to go through for her and us and the family.

More of a struggle is how to handle OM. Me contacting him or his W would, of course, stir the pot and potentially push W & OM closer together. BUT, I DO NOT know what their relationship status is. Bringing this up COULD undo the work I've done to be a man only a fool would leave and that I'm moving on regardless. It could also thwart reconciliation attempts between OM and his W, one of my only assets in OM avoiding my W. BUT, I don't know their situation either.

There are several potential scenarios that currently could be in play here:

1) My W and OM could be planning for their escape routes together.
2) W and/or OM may have told the other that things are over.

Among the events I can't reconcile are the communication between the two and comments from my wife to me, the latter of which I am inclined to believe, perhaps foolishly.

Situations and reasons aside, I need to do what is "right" and let the chips fall where they may. I just don't know which action, or lack of action, by me is the most right or the least wrong.

If you decide to confront her it's important to do it in a calm, loving fashion. You don't want to rant, rave and pitch a fit as that will just make you look jealous and angry (and it'll make it easy for her to decide to leave). But if you can calmly sit down with her and firmly tell her that she has a decision to make, then it will have more impact on her.

Yes, of course. This has been a main focus of mine since reading DR and finding this forum. I do not respond emotionally to her...she does not affect my emotional state. She's in the castle and I'm at a picnic...

Just understand, if you give her an ultimatum (IE, ditch OM or leave the house) then make sure you're willing to live with her leaving because she very well might choose that.

It wouldn't be necessarily be an ultimatum from me from a M perspective as that is already headed down the D path now that she is paying lawyers and we're filling out paperwork. It's more of a "I'm disappointed in finding this out and I feel betrayed all over again. As difficult as this is, I decided I DO want to be friends with you, but friends don't sneak around and deceive like this. When you want to be friends and respect each other in a mutually proper way, let me know."

Maybe that IS an ultimatum, but if I were to say something along the lines of the above, then I would definitely follow through with it. There's always the point that drawing a line in the sand and saying, essentially, "this was too much" actually shows me sticking up for myself and demands respect, which could be healthy for any potential R in the longer term.

Or it could push her farther away...but maybe just in the short term .

It's entirely possible W and I have operating under different assumption sets regarding the boundaries of our current R, but sneaking around is a clear indicator that someone feels what they are doing is wrong.