Last night I was putting the boys to bed and they were asking me if I was going to get remarried. I told them I am married now. They persisted, saying that "Mom likes OM..." I think that it went really well. I didn't flee from the subject, and I didn't narc on their mom. I really want them to know that adultery is not acceptable and not healthy or loving or good. But I just was quietly resolute, not distant but not combative. I got them to bed and that was that. I pray for someone in their lives who will boldly and gently tell them that what their mother is doing is not right. But it is better for them, I am re-convinced, if that is not me. I hate this. I don't see any hope in my marriage. So why don't I just concede and file for a divorce? Because I committed to this marriage. What does that mean right now? I don't know. Am I just waiting for things to be on my terms? I hope not. Am I just willfully denying reality? Today I am married. I want to consider myself a married person and I want to treat my wife as my wife. I can't help but consider her to have a mental disease right now. But if she were diagnosed by a licensed professional, would that be different? I don't have much respect for such established authorities. Sometimes I wish I did. That would relieve me of the burden of judgement right now, since I'm pretty sure no 'professional' would agree that she is wacko. So then I would just go with how things are done nowadays and fill out the paperwork. But I don't choose to do that. Or I choose not to do that. Or something.
