I'm kinda on the same path as you rky in regards to the assertiveness. Wife told me I was a boy, not a man. Said she felt like she's the one "driving the boat", and she wants someone "to show her the world".
I took an online course on improving my assertiveness skills.
But I also know for a fact that since she watched her Mom take her last breath, my W spun into a MLC which has brought up childhood issues she is now struggling to deal with. This I can't do anything about, only she can.
Even so, as I started to relax and do my own thing without worrying so much about how she would take it, I seem to be garnering more respect from her. She's still distant of course, and certainly not in love or anything close to it, but hay, it's a start.
Being more assertive allows me to feel better about myself no matter what she does. The more confident I am, the more attractive I'll be to her. If she wants to go, she can at any time, but I know that what I have to offer is worthty of her staying for another 30 years. If I didn't, why would she want me?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Yeah, don't take that too literally! 