Hi Wendylon and thanks for the comments, yes I will see her the day after tomorrow.
Re the perfume it was a non-romantic xmas gift in the past (about 3 years ago). TBH ...and yet another of things I want to change is that I never commented on her scent. If she wore a different perfume I probably would not have noticed! so romantic is definately a no, but I can definately see the others POV re pressure and her perception of it.
I used to buy her flowers on occasion more as a romantic gesture (not for birthday etc) just surprise her with them.
My main motivation is to make her happy and feel appreciated. Not just from S but I suppose I wanted someway of showing her that I appreciate what she does with our kids too because S cannot show it even though we are S. I still have an enormous amount of respect for W and what she does for our S. I don't think that will ever go away.
I have a DB coach session Friday before I see W so will run it by him.
I think our R is better now that W has got the space she needed through S and all the tension is vanishing. But I am getting worried that she would be happy to continue like this forever.
To me it seems like she is getting the best of both worlds. She keeps things friendly with me and a weekend baby sitter whilst being able to live a single life. What would there be to come back to:
- Financially she is better of on benefits because she does not have the debts to tie her down and a whole host of other discounts and benefits at her disposal (free gym membership, free eye tests, discounts on glasses etc etc etc)
- She has a bigger home
- She gets much more respite now I have S 3 nights a week
- she gets to keep the mobility car (brand new car every 3 yrs) for S as it is registered to the main carer.
So the usual downside of S (financially worse off etc) does not really apply to my sitch. TBH I have thought about this a lot and wonder if her decision to leave was not just about me, but that leaving me would give her freedom from everything else too.
So not only does she need to be attracted to me again, I need to compete with a lifestyle that TBH an average working person could never compete with.
Don't you just love our benefits system!
Sorry for the long post and bit of a rant!
Thanks for the support tho. I really do appreciate it all.
"It's v possible that work got the man and home got the boy! I think that happens a lot."
This only came through after I typed the last post.
I have been re-prioritising a lot in this regard. Less time at work, being home at a decent time etc. I spent the early years of my career being drilled to death on corporate behaviour. Show no weakness to the client etc etc, decision making, assetiveness, I went on all the courses my work ran and lived by those principles at work.
When I got home I just wanted to be different from all that! I got the balance of it all wrong and W probably wanted a toned down version of the above. Back to alpha male qualities again I think!
It sounds like your wife would like it if you were more assertive. Same in our sitch.
All of your analyzing has you doing the opposite of being assertive. You are so concerned about doing the right thing, or more importantly, worried about doing the wrong thing, that you appear wishy washy to W. Stop over analyzing every encounter or conversation with W. No walking around on eggshells in fear. Be yourself and do what you feel is best. You want to get her perfume? Just get it. Feel like calling her? Just do it. It’s not going to make or break your relationship either way.
You just monitor and adjust as you go.
This is what I’ve been doing. Instead of worrying/asking what she wants, I more often just tell W what I want.
Originally Posted By: rky
W would think it weird that I just phone her out of the blue about this when we don't talk except pick ups/drop offs
You’re right, calling her out of the blue about the house issue will cause her to raise her wall. She’ll see it as you hoping to get her back in the M. So wait until the next time you see her, and slip in the question when it seems natural.
Another thing you may want to consider, is start making occasional calls to her about day to day stuff, nothing big that she could see as you trying to get her back. Tell her something that’s going on in your day, ask about hers. Monitor results.
Originally Posted By: rky
I think our R is better now that W has got the space she needed through S and all the tension is vanishing. But I am getting worried that she would be happy to continue like this forever.
I sometimes feel the same way. Which is why I believe you need to start gently showing her with actions, that you want more. Especially since you know she WANTS a strong man, I think you’ll have to start (gradually) making a move towards the direction you want. Worst that will happen is she puts up a stop sign and you’re back to where you are now.
Now go get her!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"All of your analyzing has you doing the opposite of being assertive. You are so concerned about doing the right thing, or more importantly, worried about doing the wrong thing, that you appear wishy washy to W. Stop over analyzing every encounter or conversation with W. No walking around on eggshells in fear.
^^^ this is what I needed to hear. Why would W want someone like that!
"Be yourself and do what you feel is best. You want to get her perfume? Just get it. Feel like calling her? Just do it. It’s not going to make or break your relationship either way."
When she could have someone like this ^^^^
Whats the worst that could happen! she puts the phone down or throws the perfume away! in which case I learn and move on.
I'm kinda on the same path as you rky in regards to the assertiveness. Wife told me I was a boy, not a man. Said she felt like she's the one "driving the boat", and she wants someone "to show her the world".
I took an online course on improving my assertiveness skills.
But I also know for a fact that since she watched her Mom take her last breath, my W spun into a MLC which has brought up childhood issues she is now struggling to deal with. This I can't do anything about, only she can.
Even so, as I started to relax and do my own thing without worrying so much about how she would take it, I seem to be garnering more respect from her. She's still distant of course, and certainly not in love or anything close to it, but hay, it's a start.
Being more assertive allows me to feel better about myself no matter what she does. The more confident I am, the more attractive I'll be to her. If she wants to go, she can at any time, but I know that what I have to offer is worthty of her staying for another 30 years. If I didn't, why would she want me?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY I can relate to W and the childhood things. For a while before BD W had gone into a spin about her childhood. Basically how she felt her mum neglected her as a child once her father died, how things would have been different if her dad had been around, how she would have picked better boyfriends, how she never had the chance to further her education, better herself etc etc. I on the otherhand had a v stable upbringing, good education which is what we have both strived for for our kids.... well until recently when the bottom fell out of the stable!
Have you got details for the online course you took? I need to learn to drive the boat as you put it and make myself more interesting. My GAL is going ok but still slowly. I have been looking at taking up a martial arts class myself to build some confidence.
I am certain that you will have a much better M for this process. I don't think your W will go. She needs time and space and when the fog lifts she will see a new you and potential for a whole new M.
It's a 6 week course, two lessons each week. There are assignments, extra materials, and best of all an open discussion area where the entire class gets to interact. (Via posting threads and replying to them, like here)
I really enjoyed it, and felt I learned a lot. If you enroll, tell Vivian Mark sent ya, and that he's still married!
This was actually my second of three Ed2go courses I took. The first one was Interpersonal Communication, and the last was Drawing for Beginners. I highly recommend the Ed2go classes as a good way to improve yourself.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Yeah, don't take that too literally!