Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[adinva]

Oh Valeska (hi!) I was trying to think of what on earth people would be telling me to ask him for. I wasn't planning on asking him. People were telling me I was going to obsess and that I wasn't detached enough, and that my imagination was going wild. So for mental exercise I tried to verbalize some reasons I could think of why they'd be telling me I should ask him about the charge.

I don't think I should. I was wondering why they did. Those were all the reasons I could think of, and they weren't compelling to me.

I'm going to give it as much importance as if he bought $250 worth of chewing gum and the only store open happened to be the ___ Couples Boutique. And forget about it and keep on doing what I'm doing.

Which isn't much when it comes down to my marriage. I'm trying to coparent with him, I'm trying to appear confident and attractive around him with some mixed results because I'm also dealing with some very heavy stuff, and as far as acting like I'll be fine without him that is not an act at all. I actually am fine right now and will continue to be fine.

AnotherStander, I don't see how you can suggest that someone who is in the process but not completed with a legal divorce is clinging to something that no longer exists. Why such a rush to move on that you'd be willing to move on before it's even legally over? I guess to me the piece of paper is important in addition to the emotional and spiritual marriage; it's a contract I agreed to and it's not over. And if we all stopped trying as soon as our spouse severed the emotional and spiritual bonds...well there would be no divorcebusting. We'd all already be done.

I still have as much if not more worth salvaging with my H right now than with hypothetical future guys. What a wonderful example it would be for our kids if we were able to learn to resolve conflict together, learn to reignite our relationship, and mature into a better marriage than before. Even if, as 25 is finding out, they're not ecstatic that we saved our marriage, it is an incredible lesson in working through life's challenges.

It is time consuming to get a divorce. First of all my state requires a one year waiting period when there are kids involved. Presumably that's because it's bad to make a rush decision to break up a kid's family. If we pay lip service to that by moving on during that period that's a missed opportunity to take some time and think and work on things.

Now we need to get an agreement together that tells how we'll divide up the property, the money, and the kids, and who will pay what to whom going forward. We don't have that finished so we run into my issue that my H is somehow spending family money on sex toys, and my concerns over who should be paying for summer camp and team fees. We have a lot to think about and negotiate. That I'm not seeking a new relationship does not mean I'm clinging to the old one, I'm just not out of the old one yet.

And finally, we need to file, go to court, and undo our marriage contract, at which point we're both legally single people and our property and money is clearly set apart. I'm planning on inviting H to start this process as soon as our separation agreement is done, and if he doesn't feel motivated to do it in a month or so I'll file myself. He has told me before he has no interest or timeframe or hurry to be divorced, that part he said didn't matter to him, he really was mostly interested in the financial separation. I don't understand that, but there's a lot I don't understand about things he says and does.

Once the divorce is done I will continue the life I've already been living, which is full and fulfilling, but I'll also be open to activities that might lead to a new relationship.

The fact that I'm doing things in this order, IMO, in no way suggests that I'm clinging to something that no longer exists. In fact I don't think I'm clinging to anything at all. I'm living through a long and painful process which might or might go any number of different ways, none of which we can predict.

For me, the marriage I am in actually DOES exist while the paper is in effect. It's in deep trouble and hasn't shown any signs yet of turning around, but don't start throwing dirt on it yet. It's not the marriage I used to have, which is dead, and it's not the marriage I want, which is hypothetical, but it legally exists until I'm released from my contract. And until then, well, I'm working on it in the only way that might be effective, by working on myself.