Stuck

[punkin]

I haven't posted in a very long time, although I've checked in to see what was up from time to time.

I made the move from MLC because I didn't feel it was the right forum for me any longer. I'm divorced now, and his MLC is no longer my problem. Right?

I'm divorced. That MY problem.

I'm employed. Fairly secure financially. Have loving friends and family. Don't really mind being alone, as I have been for long periods all through my former marriage. (Army wife)I just feel at loose ends. For one thing, I still think of my X as my H. Any stray thought or attraction to another man is instantly buzzed by my fidelity nerve. Even though that last thing I owe the SOB is fidelity. It's been 3 years now since the bomb dropped, and I think I should be further along emotionally than I am now. Yes, I tell myself that there is no emotional calender with a red ring around the day it's all better. But three years? Really? I'm wondering if I don't need kick started. No. I don't date. I do not feel the slightest compulsion to do so. But I miss something. I just can't seem to describe it. Even when I try to talk to God about it, I can't seem to put it into words. Any thoughts out there?

[Golfgirl1]

I think you missed what you had. But, that's just it..."had." People come in our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime and the gifts your ex gave you will be with you for the rest of your life. But, now it's time to start living your life...for YOU.

What about some life coaching or guidance? I've taken lots of seminars and classes that have helped me get moving on to my new life. You're about a year behind me in terms of time frame of events. I think you're doing just fine emotionally. There is no time frame as each of us moves through the stages of grief and different speeds. Be gentle and kind with yourself. You've suffered extensive trauma and at our age, with all the hormonal stuff also going on, it could be a mix of things.

I would also suggest getting bloodwork done for your levels of Seratonin, etc. (kml might be better help here). The shock of the bomb sent me into perimenopause and I needed a bunch of herbs and supplements to climb out of that pit. They will also check/ask about your libido.

Hang in there, every day is another victory!

[punkin]

Thanks GG. Actually, I'm taking better care of myself physically than I ever did before. Just had the full monty at the Doc's office in January. Everything checked out great. Off AD. Only taking Thyroid and multi-vitamins. To the outside, people think I've really got it going on. Inside, I'm a mush mellon.

And yes, I miss what I 'thought' I had. Time and distance has made me face many facts about my former marriage. I guess you could say the Purpose is missing out of my life.

As for my libido. It's in retirement. I have no desire to know the intimate details of any other persons bathroom habits.

Thanks again for posting. I'd forgotten how cathartic it could be just writing it all out and reading a response of someone whose there with me.

[Iwondertooo]

Hello there. You were married for a long time and you may still be slightly depressed or even more than that. Are you getting enough exercise, sunshine, sleep, and good nutrition? Try to get outside in the sun.

I was married for about the same time as you and just devasted by being left for a much younger woman. I was not even close to being better at the three year mark. By then I was on antidepressants so I could just stop crying every day and that was after getting better on my own with the help of a clinical therapist!

Being at loose ends makes sense when you are in a fallow period. Making a new life is really hard. Maybe try to make one plan for the future a week. Somewhere to go out of the house besides work. I struggle with this as well and find a gym is good.

One other thing, I thought I should be ready to meet someone new after three + years but was not, easy pickings for someone who could take advantage of me. Get strong and healthy. Wonder

[kml]

1) check out the stop the thyroid madness website - your thyroid replacement may not be working as well as you think

2) consider bioidentical hormone replacement - may help a lot with that lack of motivation, as well as with libido

3) Find a new challenge to tackle (I learned to play the drums - now 4 years later, I play drums in one band, vibraphone and percussion in another). Focusing on a new challenge can keep you from ruminating on the past.

4) Forgive your ex - AND YOURSELF. I find the people here who struggle the most with moving forward, are the ones who feel worst about their role in the demise of the marriage. Forgive yourself and move forward.

5) Consider yoga or antidepressants or some other treatment for PTSD

6) Consider whether issues from your family of origin (abandonment issues perhaps?) are keeping you stuck.

7) Fake it 'til you make it. Get out there even if you don't feel like it.

[punkin]

Depressed? No, not really. Even my doctor agreed it was time to come off the Prozac. I have honestly been sleeping like a log, something I was unable to for the last 5 years or so of my marriage. Exercise? Yep. I attend a Yoga class and also walk my dog regularly. I meet with friends and go out to eat. Take shopping trips, etc. It's like, I'm physically doing great, but my mind is still tripping, although I don't feel depressed.

I've thought part of my problem is just getting over the might have been's. All the plans for our retirement and Life-After-Army. Suddenly, just as he is about to retire, the rug is pulled out. I certainly don't hate my X, but I do resent his apparent ease at just going on with his life as if nothing happened. And I know, that's APPARENT. The divorce cost him a great deal in terms of family.

Anyway, thanks Wonder for your input. It's much appreciated.

[kml]

8) Make a list of one hundred things you'd like to do. 100 because I want you to list any crazy improbable thing that comes to your mind, no matter how far fetched. It'll be hard to think of 100, so you'll have to come up with some crazy stuff.

I did this once, many many years ago, as part of an exercise in a book I was reading. This was before my marriage was ever in trouble. A few months ago, I stumbled across the list I made. Right there in the middle of the list, it said "Play in a band"! Honestly, I don't EVER remember having that thought before 4 years ago - but apparently I did! And it came true!

[punkin]

Does this mean there's still hope for me and Johnny Depp?

Sounds like a plan KML. Finding 100 things would be a struggle for me. I'd love to travel all over the world, as long as I could beam back home at night to sleep in my own bed. Somthing to think about though, all the things I've blown off as crazy thoughts, to put them down on a wish list. Think I'll give it a try.

[BeingMe]

Making a list is a good idea. I think I'll do it too.

[gunny]

Hello Punkin,
I am right there along with you, only been about 6 months post d for me, but the thoughts of all the plans we had made for after retirement does bother. Still on good terms with my ex, divorce was done without lawyers or courts, that certainly helped. Feel free to corespond, hope you enjoy the day,
Gunny