Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[adinva]

Yeah T, it makes sense that you'd need to call your H out on the fact that he is seeing OW when he specifically said that was not part of what he'd be using the separation for. If he's going to try to be sneaky and cover stuff up then your separation isn't accomplishing what either of you thought it would, and being upfront is better IMO.

My H and I have no such agreement, he was conclusive that we were done and has never given me any indication at all that there was any hope of reconciling, and we have been progressing very slowly but with no signs of wavering, toward divorce. So what he's up to in the meantime is really not meaningful even if it hurts to think about.

Hey AnotherStander I picked on what you said about marriage even though I found it quite valuable and worth discussing and very good feedback. I'm going to pick on something else you said:

The LBS cannot control the estranged WAS, they have ZERO control or influence over them. The LBS can set boundaries, but can't enforce them, because they have no M to enforce them through.

That's not what boundaries are, not what their for, and it doesn't take a marriage or even any commitment or interest on the other person's part, to have a boundary.

As the LBS I can say I don't think we should see other people while we're separated. If my spouse disagrees, we don't have an agreement, he just knows my opinion. If I say, I don't want you to see other people while we're separated and if you do, I will stop interacting with you except about the kids. That's a boundary, and the enforcement is what I WILL DO to protect myself if my boundary is breached. A marriage is not for enforcing boundaries IMO. Just because we were married didn't stop my H from getting emotionally attached outside the marriage, and when he did that I had every right and a responsibility to set a boundary that if I felt hurt and disconnected because of certain behaviors I would do something - go to counseling myself, consider separating, whatever. I did not set or even know I could set a boundary like that or enforce it, and our marriage disintegrated. Even in a healthy marriage, people need to have boundaries and enforce them all by themselves. A marriage is not a boundary enforcer.