I too put him on a pedestal and blamed myself for everything!! After BD
We were just talking about this in a thread in Newcomers, but yes, the WAS rewrites history such that they remember nothing but bad things about the LBS while at the same time the LBS rewrites history so that they remember nothing but the good about the WAS. Then when things get to piecing the LBS has to deal with the "real" spouse rather than the perfect spouse they've been "remembering".
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But I sometimes feel like a lot of the burden is on me. Maybe those are expectations I put on myself?! It's hard for me to explain but I feel like my actions are well thought out. Not perfect but with knowing the consequences of not being the best me or wife. He doesn't seem to have that.
This sounds like a communication issue to me. You need to communicate your feelings to him and he needs to listen to you and validate. It sounds to me like you are afraid to express your feelings to him though. Is this because you think you won't like his reaction? Are you concerned he will get angry, or maybe dismiss your feelings as unimportant or meaningless? I apologize because I haven't read your entire sitch, but have the two of you attended RetroV? I think it is exactly what the two of you need to learn how to truly communicate your feelings and emotions to each other.
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He is working hard at the marriage. He is transparent and loving, honest and remorseful. But, more often than not I am surprised at the way he will act or talk to me.
Us guys simply do not know how to properly communicate with women. We were never given the tools. So we do what we -think- is right, and it never is. When you tell us how you feel, we -think- we're supposed to fix you. So we respond by saying things like "well you need to do X, Y and Z and the problem will go away." And then we expect you to do that, and tell us how great we are for fixing your problems for you. Of course it's absolutely the wrong response, because instead of validating a woman's feelings we send the message that we don't care, that it's insignificant and easily fixed, that she needs to quit whining. I'm 51 and RetroV was a serious eye-opener for me, it really drove home just how poor a communicator I was with women my whole life when I actually thought I was a GREAT communicator!!
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But honestly and I know I will get flamed but I feel he should be working on this.
Why would you get flamed? You are absolutely right, you BOTH need to work on this!! It is critical to the future of your M!
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Not wanting to stir up problems. He will apologize. But it's a trigger for me and it takes all I have to walk away as to not start argument.
It's "more of the same" behavior. It's falling back into the old patterns that caused marital problems to begin with. It needs to change.
