Well we have to become friends again before WAS can start seeing a chance to reconcile with us, right? so I think you are going in the right direction. When I look back your earlier posts your wife was so much more resentful towards you. I think all those little things are improvements
Random question: I'm sorry if I'm mixed up with somebody else but your W bought a house on her own to move into you said? Who was in charge of finances before separation?
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
Hi slu and thanks for the support. Re the comment on friends I agree, but when do you get labelled in the friends pack....the people you never think about dating?
Also W rents a house on benefits and has not bought one hence I thought her comment around house prices a little strange. I did the finance about 2 yrs prior to S, prior to that W did them for most of our M.
You could ask her why she brought up house prices.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks adinva, common sense! I still find myself analysing conversations instead of just asking! trouble is I have a tendancy to over think/analyse (not just with W but generally)which isnt a good trait. Instead of just doing something I will talk myself out of it and even though she has not said it, it drove W mad over the years.
Onto mothers day this Sunday. I got a card, her favourite perfume, chocolates and a potted plant for W from both Sons. Eldest S is living away and I made sure he sent a card but we agreed I would get presents as he could not deliver them and won't be home until easter. Youngest S does not know what mothers day is but at least I will have him so W will get a rest.
I wanted to check on here as it is more than I would usually spend for mothers day on W. But I figure this has been extremely tough for her too with moving house etc. It is also a 180 for me in that I never appreciated her as a good mum enough.
It would make me uncomfortable. I would nix perfume and hang on to it for another occasion. Perfume is really personal, to me at least. And if my H liked my perfume from before, I would feel pressure, honestly.
I have bought H two gifts and he has said he is uncomfortable with them. But in my case I mentioned that I knew he was totally supporting us financially and had very little money to buy these two things. Not necessities, but things that could be used for sure. However, he did mention casually a sweater and that his birthday was coming up lol!!
I still find myself analysing conversations instead of just asking! trouble is I have a tendancy to over think/analyse (not just with W but generally)which isnt a good trait.
It almost sounds like you're not in charge of what you analyze and what you do. How do you find yourself doing something?
You don't think it's a good trait, so catch yourself doing it and stop and take action instead. Report back here when you notice yourself doing that even in a minor way, and that will reinforce your ability to overcome and change your "tendency." You probably have a tendency to not brush your teeth in the morning, until you make yourself get up and do it so your mouth doesn't feel yucky. Similarly, you can get up and stop overanalyzing so you respect yourself more.
What I tried and found successful was to imagine myself an anthropoligist when I was trying to use a skill that was not in my comfort zone. I would go on a mission with a plan to say something and then take WHATEVER came out of that as pure information, to learn from, to see how it went, to see if it was as painful and awful as I thought it would be, to see if I got some benefit out of it that overrode the discomfort. It really worked for me.
What if you did this? Before thinking a second more about what she might have meant, pick up the phone and leave a message. "Hey W, I've been trying to figure out what you meant when you brought up house prices on your street. I was curious, why did you bring it up?" wait for the answer.... and then respond: "Oh, OK! That's interesting. I'm glad to know what you were thinking about. Gotta go, bus is here!" Get your info and run.
See what she meant. Now I'm curious too.
Oh, the perfume is risky unless it's still her favorite and was her favorite in no connection at all to being with you. Would you still give it to her (from S) if it was for her to wear out on a date to be attractive to someone else? If it would be that impersonal of a gift in your sitch, then go ahead with it.
My H only ever bought me one kind of perfume. When I suggested I might like perfume instead of socks for Christmas, he bought me another bottle of it (so I have two now). If 10 years from now we're apart and he buys me a gift from my S and it's that perfume, honestly I will give it away to a girlfriend. If right now he gave me some perfume of ANY kind I will think he's trying to come back home.
Why are you spending more money than usual on Mother's Day? That mere fact calls your motivation into question. Do the right thing and provide the means for your sons to express their gratitude and affection for their mom. Don't showboat because it's not going to work in your favor right now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
the editor in me has to tell you I know how to spell anthropologist I was just typing fast.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The perfume was the fact that I was always terrible at buying gifts and I am trying to make it a 180. Not much thought ever went into presents and it got to the stage I used to ask W for a list! It is still her favourite. She does not associate it specifically with me as I only ever bought it her once!
Also, youngest S with special needs cannot choose anything himself so I always went with the safe option of flowers on mothers day. I wanted to do something a bit different to show that some thought had actually gone into what I bought. Yes she will know it will be from me regardless of what I buy....but that also goes for her birthday and xmas where I buy from S and she sent me nice texts thanking me for the gifts on these occasions....even though she knows I bought them.
Yes my motivation was skewed so thanks for chipping in. The perfume takes it over what I would normally spend so withholding it would make it more aligned to what she is used to.
Re R moving on nicely we are still not in the space where we talk except pick ups and drop offs with occasional texts. Even though pick ups and drops offs are getting much longer. But she has stopped with the small things for me (offers of food etc) and withdrawn the hugs.
"It almost sounds like you're not in charge of what you analyze and what you do. How do you find yourself doing something?"
I think generally I am still looking for signs from W of anything. Whilst I know we are supposed to monitor results I move from monitoring facts to mindreading/analysing conversations without often realising I am doing it until I post it on here.
Your advice is very helpful in all this.
"What if you did this? Before thinking a second more about what she might have meant, pick up the phone and leave a message. "Hey W, I've been trying to figure out what you meant when you brought up house prices on your street. I was curious, why did you bring it up?" wait for the answer.... and then respond: "Oh, OK! That's interesting. I'm glad to know what you were thinking about. Gotta go, bus is here!" Get your info and run."
I read this paragraph, thought yes, but then instead of not thinking for another second and just doing, before I pick the phone up think of the reasons why I should not do it. e.g. W would think it weird that I just phone her out of the blue about this when we don't talk except pick ups/drop offs (yesterday being the exception). It is completely the opposite to how I am at work! which is what W did comment on once..that she wishes the work me (the assertive one that just does) can't come home!
just another thought on this. In a very early post W commented to a mutual friend she wants a strong man not a boy. Sandi2 commented to see if I could find out what she meant by this. Given the mutual friend betrayed a trust in telling me I have never been able to ask W outright.
I have come up with a number of possible reasons but could it be that work gets the strong man and W got the boy at home?
Are you seeing her the day after tomorrow anyway? If so, I think this question can wait. I think Advinva script is great though. You could use it the next time you want clarification ab something.
It sounds as if perfume may be a relatively safe present in your sitch but I would be amazed if my H gave me perfume. Even though we're together, it would still seem like a romantic present. What was the context when you gave it to her before?
It does sound as if your R is evolving into something better. Keep doing what you're doing.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
