Finding self, There was a time when I felt exactly the way you did. So much anger and resentment....
... but it WILL pass. When? It's different for everyone.
But know that actions and steps YOU take will help it pass more quickly.
Here are a couple of things I did when I found myself with those very emotions.
1. I worked out. For me - I took up running. Running released my emotions. There are alot of street here in LA that are stained with my tears.
2. I kept busy. I got out of the house, hung out with friends, worked extra.. I kept my heart/head busy
3. Combated negative thoughts with positive ones. Every night I wrote a gratitude list. Every negative thought about x, I then produced 5 positives one. Yes - it sukked.. at first.. but eventually you stop faking it and it makes truth.
And absolutely dye your hair, buy new clothes, cross things off your bucket list. Of course... stay financially responsible... but NOW is the time to take EXQUISITE care of YOU!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Yeah it is new...if I had never found this site I would just be kissing my M good bye by now...
Thanks for the support...oh yeah no way talking about R right now...patience is the key...by meanwhile it kills you too...just trying to remember who my H is to reassure myself at times of doubt.
Finding self, There was a time when I felt exactly the way you did. So much anger and resentment....
... but it WILL pass. When? It's different for everyone.
But know that actions and steps YOU take will help it pass more quickly.
Here are a couple of things I did when I found myself with those very emotions.
1. I worked out. For me - I took up running. Running released my emotions. There are alot of street here in LA that are stained with my tears.
2. I kept busy. I got out of the house, hung out with friends, worked extra.. I kept my heart/head busy
3. Combated negative thoughts with positive ones. Every night I wrote a gratitude list. Every negative thought about x, I then produced 5 positives one. Yes - it sukked.. at first.. but eventually you stop faking it and it makes truth.
And absolutely dye your hair, buy new clothes, cross things off your bucket list. Of course... stay financially responsible... but NOW is the time to take EXQUISITE care of YOU!
Thanks so much for the post...good to know what I am going through is similar to others...not many around me that have been where I am right now...
I am exercising, had been doing that previously so I know the rewards to that...
I am also try to play outings, this weekend wedding dress shopping and overnight, Mon S to storytime at Library, Wed Zumba and Yoga, Thursday outing w/friend and kids then weight watchers...should be a busy week!!
The only hard thing is it is H who is the worker so I feel guilty at times to spend the money on myself...but was thinking he is using a credit card for himself right now...not our account, am thinking he is doing this so I don't see charges too...so should I use one for the things I want to do and then take that as 'my' debt if we D?
Got some advice on birthdays for WAS too but was still interested in what people do...was thinking card from S and perhaps tickets to the circus in another month for S and H?
Too much? I think I need to acknowledge it no one else in his family does...I was thinking no cake etc, just a card and the tickets for H and S to have an outing.
Something homemade by S. Circus tickets to me sound presumptuous and a little controlling, and at a year and a half not necessarily what your S would most want to do. You take him to the circus if you think he'll like it, don't send your H to do it with tickets you gave him. Just my two cents.
I did lots of Best Dad Hands Down t-shirts with painted on kids' handprints over the years. At 17 months those hands are so tiny and cute! Or fingerpaint a page of handprints and frame it like a poster. I used to squirt a bunch of primary colors on one dish so the handprints would be all multicolored and it actually made nice frameable art. Or go to a pottery place if you have them and do thumb prints all over a dish or pencil holder to make it polka dotted with S's print. Or a cute photo of S framed, or better yet if you have one of just S and dad. But I like the handprints better because they are as close as you get to the gift really being FROM S.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yeah I have been second guessing the tickets too...pushy...had decided a card was too hard to find and was thinking about doing some finger painting too...
All you ideas are great...the tee shirt idea is good too...
H came by last night for visit...he was late and called at the time he was to be to the house to say he was running late...I kept my cool on the phone and when he picked up S.
On the car ride back to the house I realized instead of being angry I was sad instead that he could not be able to be to the house when he said he was. Also realized I wished instead of saying nothing to him I had told him "you must have had a busy day at work because I know you were trying to be here on time and must have been stressful for you. Don't know if this is the right way to say it or not...but I did not say it anyway...live and learn.
Did make myself scarce when he was at the house, then came down at 8:30 when he said he was to leave. Ended up discussing his very stressful job (like we use to) he talked to 1/2 hour while I listened trying to be supportive and understanding but not trying to solve his problems for him.
I told him he could spend the night at the house on Friday, but decision was up to him, tried not to push, he just needs to be to the house early Saturday and was planning to visit on Friday if he could.
If the timing is right and conversation is right I will tell him I am available if he would like to discuss work from time to time. I know he needs someone to talk about these things to.
He has a very stressful job, he drove over two state yesterday, and worked until he needed to see S then drove and hour to meet me than after visit needed to drive another hour back to site to work at 10pm till the job was done, it all needed to be done for a 9am meeting today. This is just one of the ten things he does like this.
I have realized that he is an extremly stressed man with a high demand job...he had my stress on him, home stress, money stress, family stress and work stress all the time!
If we are to get to a point of R he/we need to reevaluate if his job is deal for him and the family, I was thinking might have to look at relocation for his job, him maybe changing jobs and us selling our house and renting for a while to take some of the home stresses away from our lives to concentrate on our marriage.
I still have a lot of hope for our marriage and am willing and have changed a lot of my ways so far...
Just waiting for him to want to work on it and until job stress if less I know he can't handel it...having to wait for him to be ready is hard...but know I need to be friends with him and make his life the least stressful at home as I can so he can look at it again as his "home"!!
Alot of ^^^^^ is pursuit. At this stage, it doesn't matter what your true intentions are, they will be perceived as pressure.
You wrote that you feel like you expressed resentment around being a "single" parent due to H working to much... so keeping your mouth shut and keeping your cool was the right call.
You won't be able to talk your way out of this or talking your way into proving that you are going to change. Just change. Let your actions speak for you....
... and give it time.
Listen and Validating to his work stress is a good step. Validate that he is making an effort to see Son.. but in a very subtle way.
So what does that look like for you?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I have realized that he is an extremly stressed man with a high demand job...he had my stress on him, home stress, money stress, family stress and work stress all the time!
You didn't mention he must have stressed out from having another child. Do you think that was another biggest reason? Was it more you who wanted to have a second child or did he want it too? I say this because I know our R started going downhill when we discovered my infertility issue last year. I rushed like I couldn't have rushed more after surgery and to him it must have looked like I just wanted to have a baby and didn't care about him and his happiness AT ALL.
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
Val...thanks for the post good things to think of...I did not speak with him about his work...
I was gone from early Sat to 4ish on Sunday...I did tell him that I needed to speak with him about Easter to which he did not know when it was and had not thought about it. I started the conversation and then he redirected it to wanting to take s who will be 19 months old and has had one night away from me, to bring him across the US to Montana for his grandfather's 90th. It sent chills down my spine and I told him that, I took a break then came back to discuss. I told him I had thought about it and that he might ask but had not come up with an answer yet.
H did validate how I was feeling adding in that I might be scared if something happened...to which I can not even think about that. He did think about driving to which it would take two-three days at least to do. It is not realistic...S has never been on a plane and we have never flown with kids. There was no discussion of me going too, which would have been what would have happened before.
I told him I wanted more information on his plan so I can better make a decision on the topic. I want them to go but will kill me a lot. I told H that I felt that I did not have an option, if I say no, it is lack of trust and H will frown on it but saying yes does not guarentee anything either.
I also told H that when he was ready and able I would like to talk some to him (I know this is pushing). He responded well and said that it was only fair to do so, that he was able to speak about a lot of things and I have not been able to. He apologized and said that our talk on the phone a couple of weeks ago (his idea) had gone well.
I told him I had something else I wanted for him to think about before the discussion, told him no matter what I wanted to put the house on the market this spring/summer. I love my house, but it is a house and if we D I can't afford it and if we stay M it is an added stress to fixing our marriage at this time. He said he agreed and had been thinking of it too.
We spoke for three hours last night, it went very well he thanked and appreciated things that I was saying. But it is still too early. HE was at least looking me in the eyes and straight in the eyes when he left, this is a change from his not doing so at the beginning of the night and past.
I don't know if I should have done this or not, but seemed to help, in that he said if I was still in denial on topics and issues he would have really already walked away.
He is also talking about moving to another state three hours away, this is where we lived before, no family there, only work, I agreeded I liked it there but missed my family. Told him if we continued with a D I would stay around my family because I would need them as support.
HE did admit he did not sleep in our bed to which I asked why and he told me it was just too hard for him with tears in eyes.
I am a nervous shaking wreck now...could not sleep, and am not feeling well. Funny that you think you would feel better after such a heartfelt talk....now I feel like I put my heart out there and no one is taking it yet...
STILLLOOKING...
I do think the stress of having another child was the straw that broke the camel's back...I had been speaking about the topic for a long time, but he never told me his thought until they exploded on me, he told me in Dec he did not think he wanted another child with me...I had no clue and did not really listen at the time, thought I could just change things and his mind and we would be all better...not knowing there were so many other issues weighing into his decision.
I just can't believe how much I love and miss him...any advice would be appreciated.
We are suppose to talk more this weekend or Mon. need to pull it together before then.
He did thank me for not calling the night he had s on his own and said me not doing so went a long way. I did tell him when he was in Montana I would call a lot to which he laughed and said that would be different.
