Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[adinva]

Ok, let's roleplay. What do you think I would ask and what would be the useful point of it?

QuestionA: Hey H, I noticed a $250 charge at ___ Couples Boutique when I was going through the credit card statements. That's not mine, was it yours?
Answer1: Yes.
Answer2: Yes, so?
Answer3: No, OMG someone stole our identity and went one time to a sex shop!!!! I will take care of that right now. Can't believe I didn't see it on the statement before. [kidding. not a likely answer.]
Answer4: Oh, yeah, I'm feeling very frustrated with our long separation and just needed some self-entertainment, but I consider that private so it's really not information I was going to share with you. [I'm really stretching for an alternate answer. I couldn't imagine him saying this.]
Answer5: Yes. It was for my new girlfriend. We are separated after all, and it's none of your business.
POINT: I have no idea. I get no peace of mind from answers 1 or 2. I don't really want to know answer 5. I'm not sure I want to know answer 4. and 3 was a joke.

QuestionB: Hey H, I was hurt to see that you spent $250 at ___ Couples Boutique when I was going through the credit card statements. Would you mind telling me why you spent family money at this place?
Answer1: I set our financial separation date as 9/2012 and the agreement specified how much money we move around to make it equitable, so what I spend my money on now is not family money and not your business.
Answer2: No, I don't have to tell you anything about that.
Answer3: It's my money, and that's none of your business.
POINT: Again, not sure what I'm expecting to gain from this. Let him know I feel hurt (um, so what?), let him know I'm examining his purchase (so he stops showing me the card statements? I think he's closing that card anyway, once our recurring charges have all been moved to my own card), let him know I'm judging how he spends his money (family money?). Trying to make him feel bad? Trying to make him feel bad will make him feel LESS bad, and more justified.

QuestionC: Hey H, what was that $250 charge at ___ Couples Boutique? Are you seeing someone?
Answer1: Yes. And that's none of your business.
Answer2: Yes, I'm in love and having the best sex of my life, but don't worry I don't plan to get married again so I'm not going to push you on getting a divorce or anything.
Answer3: No. [most likely answer] "well was that your charge?" Yes. "well what was it for" Stuff I was buying. "what stuff?" I don't need to tell you anything about that. [usually I don't press him with follow up questions but he usually can shut down a conversation with one word answers and grunts. When pushed to the wall he will tell me I'm on a need to know basis.]
POINT: would it be to confirm or deny that he's seeing someone? I don't see that as relevant in my sitch. my sitch is longstanding and little movement due to many factors - I think he's depressed, I think he's taken all of his emotion out of the marriage and placed it elsewhere for YEARS, I think he's having a MLC, and if he's in a relationship with someone that's just another cube on the iceberg. If he's not seeing someone and the charge was nothing meaningful and he was buying $250 worth of his favorite porno magazines does that make me feel better about my sitch? no....

Reasons not to ask about it:
1. It is a small point of information in a huge database of things wrong with my marriage. Dealing with this one point does less good than harm. I should forget about it.
2. It looks as if I am snooping and I am not. I'll admit when I scoured those bills to find my work charges that I need to pay him back for, my eye was attracted to charges in Hawaii, LA, etc, places he stopped en route to working overseas so quite explainable and worth only a split second of attention. I tried not to be looking for "evidence" but there was an element of that that was hard to suppress.
3. It will cause him to be defensive, to have an unpleasant interaction with me, to feel like he needs to justify, and to reinforce to me that I should have no hope or expectations with him. It's been a while since he needed to remind me of that.

What good would it do to ask?
1. If the charge was completely innocuous, mere self-entertainment (which I still begrudge since I just paid that much out of my limited funds for S15's new cleats and dress clothes, and that much again for S15's summer lax league, and that much again for S15's pay-to-play school athletic fee and birthday dinner) - oops that was a long parenthetical - will I feel peace of mind that we're both just two hurting people trying to comfort ourselves through a difficult time? Um, I MIGHT. But I can feel that peace of mind without asking him about that credit card charge too.
2. If asking about the charge reveals that he has moved on and has a girlfriend perhaps this gives me the reality check needed to detach and move on myself. POSSIBLE but not likely. I view a new girlfriend as like I said, a cube on the iceberg. I'm still here DBing and plan to do that, to be a woman only a fool would leave, to keep the road home paved and smooth. On the day my divorce papers come finalized, I will turn the page and move along, if I feel like it then. If I'm beginning to connect with H by then I'll be open to continuing to DB, but that's IF.
3. To "express" my hurt and disapproval. Well, I'm all about respecting my feelings and giving voice to them, and dealing with them out in the open, but with moderation and awareness of what reaction they may provoke. I've given my H enough of my hurt and disapproval I think. I told him two times that I thought divorce was wrong and what he was doing was wrong. I told him one time how very much hurt and anger I felt at the way he let me know he was done only AFTER he was no longer willing to work with me on the marriage. I don't need to keep coming back to that, and that's not going to help me any to keep smacking him with it.

So, what am I missing? Still see any point in not letting this issue drop?