It's good to be here

[Mileus]

I hope you all don't mind my daily posting, but if I don't write it down, it grows in my head. Silence is a terrible thing when you're feeling alone. To those of you who read the forums, even if you aren't comfortable yet telling us your story, find someone to tell. That has helped me most of all. (Not that I'm an expert after such a short time, but I think I'm right.)

And now, a quote from Pooh. “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

I've decided to have a good day today. Yes, I miss my ex, but for 14 years (almost) I had the life I always wanted, a job I love, a home, 3 beautiful children, and a wife I love more than my heart could hold. Some people never get that. I won't let a few poor decisions ruin the last 14 years of happiness.

After Monday's disaster with the paperwork, I haven't spoken to her. I've been dying to come up with some reason "for the kids", but that was crap. I just wanted to hear her or see a text. So, I didn't. I went for several walks, talked to my kids, and played a computer game. I even managed to focus on grading papers for a bit.

I slept all the way through the night last night, no trouble falling asleep either. That was the first time since she left. I still woke up before my alarm, but by only a few minutes and I've always done that.

Today, I will remain incognito. I will enjoy my students and after work, I will be going out with some other teachers for awhile. I finally passed the 30 pounds lost mark and I can't wait to see what I look like in another couple of months. I will help my son with his homework and enjoy the company of my kids. Today, I am celebrating the little changes in my life that are making me a better person.

To my ex, who will never see this, I miss you. The house is different with you gone. It's too soon to say if it's worse, it's just different, more quiet. But each day, I feel a little bit better and a little more hope. I worry for you, everything I've read about affair relationships says that this will end within a year. I don't know who I'll be in a year, I'm in the process of finding myself again. That guy I was when we met was awesome. I hope you find yourself as well. I hope you find happiness. I even think I mean that this time. I hope you decide to come back before I get to a point in my life where I would have to say no. Luckily, you still have some time. I will always be a shoulder for you to cry on and someone you can turn to. I hope to be more someday, but I can't make any guarantees. Watching what you've done to the kids, it's clear the woman I fell in love with is on vacation. I hope she finds her way back.

To those of you who keep reading my long rambling posts, thank you for listening.